INT. MICHAEL’S OFFICE
Pam and Michael sit on either side of his desk. It is obviously Christmastime. Michael’s office is decorated with lights and garland and a small Christmas tree on the cabinet behind him.
MICHAEL
(confused)
What? How would I have a new car
in my desk drawer?
Pam shrugs.
MICHAEL(continued)
Wow, Pam, you suck at guessing.
(laughs to camera)
Pam glances at the camera with a small smile.
PAM
Told you I didn’t want to.
MICHAEL
(reaching into drawer)
Well, no more guessing. Ready?
PAM
Um… ok.
Michael does a drum roll sound effect, pulls out a DVD and proudly holds it up for Pam and the camera.
MICHAEL
BAM!
Pam leans in to look at it but pulls her head back, repulsed. The cover shows a young, extremely busty woman, semi-dressed in business clothes. She is holding a keyboard between her legs as she sits on a desk, leaning against a monitor.
PAM
“Orifice Space”? You got Jan PORN
for Christmas?
Michael pulls the DVD back and looks at the cover.
MICHAEL
Oh! Sorry! No… that’s… that’s for Packer.
(looks at camera)
Really.
Michael drops the DVD back in the drawer and rummages around some more.
MICHAEL
THIS is what I got for Jan.
He pulls out and proudly displays a Sex and the City DVD.
MICHAEL(continued)
Final season. Jan doesn’t have this.
It’s actually on two sets.
PAM
That’s nice.
MICHAEL
Yeah… She loves the show. It probably reminds
her of her life back in New York.
(frowns)
Um… I hope not.
There is a pause as Michael stares at the DVD. Pam glances at the camera uncomfortably.
MICHAEL
Ah… ok. Your turn.
PAM
My turn what?
MICHAEL
To tell me what you got for Jim.
PAM
Uh… no. Not doing that.
MICHAEL
Hey, that’s not fair. I told you what
I got Jan!
PAM
I didn’t ask you what you got her.
You told me that all on your own.
MICHAEL
Wow, Pam, that is…
(shakes head)
Fine. Forget it, then.
PAM
(rising)
Ok.
MICHAEL
Aw, come on! Why won’t you tell me?
PAM
Michael. If I tell you, how long will
it be before you let it slip to Jim?
(beat) You’re not… um… really good with
secrets.
MICHAEL
(hurt)
THAT… is not true. I’m… great at secrets.
PAM
Jim having a crush on me?
MICHAEL
Different… situation. Had to get that ball
rolling. See how well that turned out?
(looks at camera)
Part of the master plan.
PAM
Uh huh. Still not telling you.
MICHAEL
Come on! I promise I won’t tell him!
Please?
Michael looks pleadingly at Pam. She looks at the camera and then her watch.
PAM
Ok. (beat)DON’T make me regret this…
MICHAEL
(excitedly)
I won’t, I won’t! Tell me!
Pam sits back down and leans towards Michael.
PAM
(quietly)
Alright. Now… it’s a LITTLE unusual…
PAM TALKING HEAD
PAM
Ok. Now… it was 9:17 when I told
Michael. I bet myself a mixed berry
yogurt that he’ll cave in and tell
Jim before lunch. (beat) I… actually
already have a mixed berry yogurt in
the fridge. (beat) I’m… not really
a high stakes person.
(laughs)
INT. THE OFFICE-RECEPTION AREA
Jim leans on the reception counter, chatting to Pam. Michael walks out of his office and wanders over.
MICHAEL
Hey, hey, there he is! The talented
Mr. Halpert!
Jim peeks at the camera and turns to face Michael.
JIM
Hey.
MICHAEL
Yeah, I never knew! Skills that pay…
(beat) some bills, I guess.
(laughs to camera)
My new name for you is Polka Face!
(laughs)
JIM
(confused)
Did you just say… “POLKA Face”?
Michael looks at Pam who is regarding Michael with almost no expression. Michael becomes uncomfortable.
MICHAEL
Ah… no. I said, um… like… pssshhhhh…
Michael looks back and forth at Jim and Pam, blinking. Then
he shakes his head and walks back towards his office. A
royally confused Jim looks at Pam who shrugs. Jim turns back to watch Michael go as Pam covers up a laugh for the camera.
INT. THE OFFICE-JIM'S DESK
Jim is busy typing something on the computer as Michael comes out of his office and watches.
MICHAEL
Whatcha… doin'?
JIM
Uh… finishing up this report… gotta e-mail it off
before lunch.
MICHAEL
Oh… wow… hitting those… keys. So many… uh, keys
and buttons. What… are they all for?
JIM
(stopping and looking at Michael)
What?
MICHAEL
There's… so many of them. Do you hit them and play
at the same time?
JIM
(really confused)
On the keyboard?
MICHAEL
No, no. Not that, the…
Michael looks over at Pam who is giving Michael an even look. He become nervous.
MICHAEL
I don't… listen, if… if you don't know how to use a keyboard by now then… then I can't help you, Jim!
Michael strides into his office and closes the door. Jim, with mouth open stares at the camera and then Pam. Again, Pam shrugs. Jim shakes his head and tries to get back to work. Pam silently snaps her finger and gives the camera an "Almost had him!" look.
INT. THE OFFICE-RECEPTION AREA
Pam is alone at her desk looking into the camera.
PAM
You know… I've never been to Yellowstone Park… but this is what it must be like when you're waiting for Old Faithful to blow. I mean, it's only a matter of…
Pam stops and looks towards the kitchen. The camera swings around and we see Michael coming out looking very guilty.
He walks towards Pam, shaking his head. Then he stops, looks terrified, scurries into his office and closes the door. Jim comes out of the kitchen and comes over to Pam, looking very confused.
JIM
Hey, uh… can I ask you something?
PAM
Sure.
JIM
Well… it's two things actually. Um…
First… why…
(shakes head)
why does Michael think I'm
getting an accordion for Christmas?
Pam begins to laugh and puts her head down on the desk.
JIM
And second… if he's RIGHT… why AM I getting an
accordion for Christmas?
Jim starts to laugh and looks over the counter at Pam, who is laughing even harder now.
JIM
(laughing still)
No… seriously.
PAM TALKING HEAD
We see Pam happily eating her Mixed Berry Yogurt.
PAM
11:21 a.m… So I win! To the victor goes the
spoils. Or in this case, the curdled.
(takes a spoonful)
And NO, Jim is not getting an accordion for
Christmas. You didn't REALLY think I told
Michael what Jim's gift was, did you?
(shakes head)
HOW long have you guys been here?
Author's Chapter Notes:
Still pissed that we got jerked out of a Christmas episode this year. Damn... So I thought I'd try a little Christmas-related opening this time....
Chapter End Notes:
I really, really wanted to call this chapter "Accordion To Jim" (I LOVE good/bad puns)but that would've given the gift away so.. Oh well...
