INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE
We watch from behind Michael's desk as Dwight hangs up his phone and excitedly runs into Michael's office.
DWIGHT
Got another one, Michael!
MICHAEL
Great! That's two so far!
DWIGHT
He didn't want to supply his own costume.
But I told him we're already paying fifty
bucks. Button your lip and take the gig. This
is no free lunch. (beat) Even though there's
free lunch.
MICHAEL
Well, I figure two more and that should
cover it. Don't want to be... short.
Michael looks at the camera and laughs. Dwight laughs too, a bit too hard.
MICHAEL
Ok.. wasn't that funny.
Dwight stops.
MICHAEL
It WAS funny, though.
Dwight laughs again as Michael shakes his head at the camera. Just then Toby tentatively walks up to Michael's door and stands in the frame. He is holding a sheet of paper. Michael sees him and deflates.
TOBY
Michael, can I have a word with you?
MICHAEL
You just did. You had, like, 10 words. Now
go away.
TOBY
(sighs, then raises paper to Michael)
Michael... we... we can't advertise for midgets
on street poles.
MICHAEL
Well, how else am I supposed to do it?
Run an ad in Midgetweek Magazine?
Michael laughs to the camera and then Dwight who looks surprised.
DWIGHT
Midgets have their own magazine?
Michael shakes his head to the camera.
TOBY
(moving to the front of Michael's desk)
Besides, we don't have it in the budget to pay for
Christmas elves at the party. And I don't think we
should be mentioning elf tossing either. The
liability...
Michael grabs the flyer from Toby and scans it. He glares at Dwight.
MICHAEL
I told you not to put that in.
DWIGHT
(caught)
oh.. this is the older... version. I
must've...
MICHAEL
Fsssshhhh... shut it. God, Dwight...
TOBY
Michael. We can't do this.
MICHAEL
Alright, no elf tossing. I mean, how far
can you toss a midget?
DWIGHT
Well.. that's kind of the whole point...
MICHAEL
(shaking head)
Stop... talking...
TOBY
Um... I mean hiring midgets as elves... we
can't...
(shakes head)
it's just gonna get us in trouble... somehow. You
see?
Michael gives a hard look to Toby who shifts nervously. Michael, looks down at his desk and then back to Toby.
MICHAEL
You... are the worst human being that ever lived.
You are... worse than... Hitler. And... Stalin. And...
Polio. And AIDS. And you hate midgets.
TOBY
Michael...
MICHAEL
Fine. No midgets. But when those people
(points towards his door)
ask about the happy, shiny Christmas elves
they were expecting YOU tell them what
happened. You tell them that you killed them.
Because that's what you did... in a sense.
TOBY
I'm sorry... but...
MICHAEL
(dismissively)
Go back to your cave, midget killer.
Toby sighs and heads through the door. Dwight follows him to it, disgusted.
MICHAEL
I hate that guy. I hate him so much that I
can't move. Dwight. Slam my door for me.
Dwight slams the door and Michael puts his head down on the desk. Dwight looks at him sadly and shakes his head to the camera, obviously upset.
DWIGHT TALKING HEAD
DWIGHT
Why does Michael hate Toby? Why does the sun rise?
Why are there so many pretty boy vampire movies? Who
knows? Does it really matter? When a man despises
another man why does there have to be a reason? Why
isn't hate just enough? (beat) Alright, fine. You want
reasons, here they are. Years ago Toby's father and
Michael's mother were on a plane that crashed in the
Andes. Michael's mother was severely injured and Toby's
father, along with some other survivors, ate Michael's
mother. She screamed the entire time. Michael never
forgot that. (beat) Oh, that wasn't enough? You want
another reason? Ok, how about this. Michael and Toby
went to high school together. At the senior prom, Toby
arranged for a bucket full of pig blood fall on Michael.
Michael was humiliated. Using the power of his mind,
he got revenge by burning the entire school down,
killing hundreds.(beat) Except for Toby, who escaped.
(beat) and Phyllis,who had left early to go to McDonalds.
But MIchael never, ever forgot that. And he still has that
tuxedo. (beat) Not enough still? How much more do you
need? MICHAEL HATES TOBY, alright? Why? Maybe
because Toby is a wet blanket on the campfire of Michael's
creativity. Toby is ... rigid, didactic, humorless, negative,
uncompromising, too bound by rules and regulations
AND a company whore.
(long beat, then shakes his head)
How can anybody stand to be that way?
Author's Chapter Notes:
Over on the Life in the Office forum site i got into a discussion with Bob (from Scranton!) about Michael and Toby. Bob wanted to see why Michael hated Toby so much. He wanted to have it explained in some way, like an explanation of some past incident. And my position was... why? It's not important. We don't need any particular incident to understand it. Michael just hates Toby. Toby kills Michael's dopey ideas. So we went back and forth about it and Bob suggested I write a C/O about it. Wow. Looking back at the back and forth posts we had, I realize now that I completely misunderstood something Bob wrote. And I can't re-write this now. Oh, man. I can't explain yet. lol.. I will write it below. BOY, am I stupid... lol...
Chapter End Notes:
Ok. I can't believe I did this. This is what Bob (from Scranton!) wrote in the LITO post:
I guess we disagree on this matter, not that it matters. But I'd like to think that at some point, the source of Michael Scott's unhinged hatred for Toby is revealed. Maybe something along the lines of young Toby's father disastrously dating young Michael's mother... or whatever, I just think it would be cool if the writers have been dropping "hints" and "clues" all through the episodes, and once we know what really happened, it will be fun to re-watch the shows to pick up on the new information.
Now THIS would be fun... a Dwight "talking head," speculating on why Michael hates Toby. I'm sure it would be a similar tale to his "perfect crime" scenario. 
lol... Now, I read this one morning and I obviously sped through it. I thought Bob wrote that Toby's dad ATE Michaels mother. LOL... and I wrote the whole thing kinda based on that. WOW. And I just now realized I screwed that up...lol... what an idiot I am. Sorry, Bob....
