INT. BREAKROOM
Jim, Pam, Kelly and Toby are at the assorted tables drinking coffee or snacking.
KELLY
OOOH, scuba diving! I've always wanted to do that!
TOBY
Well, it was fun but I had a kinda scary thing happen
when I went out.
Just then Dwight enters and heads over to the vending machine.
PAM
Not sure why, but scuba diving in Costa Rica sounds
scary by itself.
TOBY
Yeah. Well, the water was kinda choppy and I got a bit
sick on the boat heading to the spot. Just queasy and a
really upset stomach. And I thought it would go away
after I was underwater but it didn't. It got worse for
some reason.
JIM
Yikes.
TOBY
Yeah. I feel like I'm gonna lose it. And I'm 50 feet
down and you can't rise too fast or you'll get the bends.
So I am panicking, trying to remember what to do if this
happens...
DWIGHT
You vomit through your regulator and then slowly rise to
the surface.
KELLY
Ewww.. GROSS, Dwight!
PAM
Ugh.
JIM
Somehow, I doubt that throwing up through your
regulator is the suggested method, Dwight.
(laughs)
TOBY
Um... actually... he's right.
JIM
Cause that would just be...
(beat, then confused to Toby)
Uh... say what, now?
A smirking, cocky Dwight looks at the camera.
DWIGHT TALKING HEAD
DWIGHT
Unlike Jim, I've prepared myself for every possible contingency. I've trained myself to survive all
manner of predicaments. For instance, say a car
is speeding towards you. You don’t get hit like
Meredith. Meredith is an idiot. No, you quickly
identify the speed and trajectory of the approaching
vehicle and then leap over the car, allowing it to
pass beneath you. If it’s a convertible or the sun
roof is open time your leap so that you land in the
vehicle. Then take control of the car and safely
stop it. And pummel the driver. (beat) Knife attack?
As the blade approaches you, suddenly slap your hands together,
(slaps hands in front of him, like a single clap)
binding the knife between your palms. Then quickly
snap your wrists, and break the blade. And pummel
your attacker. However, if you have only one hand
free or had it chopped off earlier in the fight,
swing around and let the blade enter the fleshiest
part of the buttocks. Then quickly spin, tearing
the knife from your attackers hand. And pummel your
attacker. Be warned, you must be very careful with
this maneuver. Knives and anuses do not mix.
Armed Robbery? Throw a steel rod like this...
(pulls a small steel rod out for the camera)
into the gun barrel, clogging it. The gun will
discharge and blow up your assailant's hand.
Batman is particularly good at this. Just name it.
Falling elevator? Got it. Berserker bull? Got it.
Plane in a death spiral? (beat) Um… Actually...
I'm still working on… what to do in that instance.
INT. BREAKROOM
Dwight is holding court as Toby, Kelly, Jim and Pam stare at him.
DWIGHT
...and a lunge punch or a hard back fist to a sharks
nose area will temporarily paralyze him and allow you to flee. If hard enough, it will kill. Hiii-yah!
Dwight snaps off a punch in front of him and keeps his fighting pose, bouncing slightly on his toes. Jim, Pam and Kelly all look at Toby.
TOBY
Um... that... is not true at all.
Dwight looks shocked as Jim lets out a sigh of relief.
JIM
Oh, thank God. I thought the world had gone crazy.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Once again, I am inspired by another Life In The Office Forum conversation. The lovely and talented Donna, one of the crack administrators (why doesn't that sound right?) recently went to Sandals, Jamaica (yes she did! She really did! And she had a great time. But no racy pics, alas...) and she wrote about what Toby discusses in this C/O. And Donna wrote "I was thinking.. what would Dwight do?" And we just said "Wow, that's gotta get into a Cold Opening somehow". And here it is. Once again, LITO is to blame! Hope you guys like!
