INT. THE OFFICE-DWIGHT'S DESK
Jim and Pam come in holding hands and go to their respective seats. They are both smiling broadly. An annoyed Dwight watches them.
DWIGHT
Well, well.... look what two traitorous swine
just came skipping in.
JIM
Michael and Ryan are here already?
PAM
(laughing)
We're sorry, Dwight..
DWIGHT
Save your sorrys. Thanks to you we lost
to corporate. That's like losing to the Death
Star.
JIM
We're really sorry. The doctor wouldn't...
clear Pam to play.
DWIGHT
Sure, sure. For all we know you two could've
been having sex in the back seat of your car
and laughing at us.
JIM
That's about.... half right.
DWIGHT
(turning to Phyllis, Stanley and Andy)
Hear that, everyone? They were laughing
at us.
PAM
Dwight. I really wanted to play. But the
doctor said I might injure...
(beat, looks at Jim)
...stuff.
DWIGHT
The doctor said you might injure... stuff.
Interesting. And what else did Doogie
Howser have to say?
JIM
Um... well..
(looks at Pam)
He just said stay off of it.
PAM
(smiling, under her breath)
That's what she said.
JIM
(trying not to laugh)
You know... You just need to stop...
DWIGHT
It's just this kind of cavalier attitude that
makes us the patsy of corporate. We could've
risen up... cast off our chains.. and killed our
oppressors but NO...
(shakes head)
You have ankles like a GIRL, Pam.
JIM
(to Pam)
He got you.
PAM
Boxed me in with facts.
DWIGHT
Alright. Let's have it.
PAM
Have what?
DWIGHT
The doctors note.
(beckons with hand)
C'mon, cmon.
JIM
We don't need a doctors note. We weren't
at work and we didn't miss work.
DWIGHT
You were at a work function, which is an
extension of work. You were injured at
said function and went to the hospital.
Therefore you are required to bring in a
doctors note explaining your condition and
the steps taken to rectify it.
JIM
Uh...
PAM
Um....
JIM
We didn't... get a doctors note.
DWIGHT
Well, I suggest you do. Michael needs one
and surely David Wallace will need one.
JIM
(nervously)
Don't call him... um... Surely... David Wallace.
Jim and Pam both laugh nervously.
DWIGHT
(suspicious)
That little Jim barb was slow to develop and
poorly delievered.
(squints at them)
What are you two hiding?
Jim and Pam look at each other, wide-eyed.
PAM
We're not... hiding...
JIM
Why would you say... we're hiding...?
DWIGHT
Fact: You went to the hospital with a
seemingly minor injury and did not return.
Fact: Your story of the visit is extremely vague.
Fact: You are both obviously nervous about
producing a doctor's note. Ergo, you are hiding
something.
Dwight suddenly sits back with a look of realization on his face.
DWIGHT
And I know what it is.
JIM
UHHH...
PAM
Um.. let's talk in the breakroom, Dwight.
DWIGHT
(loudly)
What's the matter, Pam? Afraid the whole
office will find out?
PAM
Dwight!
DWIGHT
(leaning forward, speaking low)
Listen you two. Bilking our Health Care providor
is a serious crime. I don't know how much of a kick-
back you're getting from Doogie Howser but it's
not woth 10 to 15 in a federal pen. I'm letting you two
off with a warning... only because I suspect this is a
first time offense and you two are too stupid to have
done this before.
PAM
Um... thanks, Dwight.
JIM
We were lured by the easy money. Doogie
said we would be rich.
DWIGHT
Doogie is an idiot. I'll personally see to it that
his house of cards comes crashing down. And
if you two do this again, I won't be able to protect
you. It will be off to prison.
(sighs)
Though I find the science fiction-like idea of you two
somehow reproducing...
(shakes head violently and squeezes eyes shut hard)
...repulsive... GAH.
Jim and Pam look at each other with small smiles.
DWIGHT
... you should be allowed to marry and eventually
start a family in the outside world.
JIM
Can't have a slammer kid.
PAM
No. We must protect the baby.
(pats tummy)
Thanks Unca Dwight.
DWIGHT
(waving Pam off)
Just... just stop. You're making me sick.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Yeah, you know what this concerns. Initially I had no idea what to do with the big news in Cold Opening form. But it came to me. This takes place the next work day after the finale. Hope you like!
