INT. THE OFFICE-MICHAEL'S OFFICE
Michael is being wheeled through the door in an office chair by Dwight. He is half dressed and is apparently in a great deal of pain. Behind Michael and Dwight are Erin, Jim and Pam, who all crowd into the room. Dwight pushes Michael to his own chair behind his desk and Michael painfully switches.
MICHAEL
Oh God! I can't believe how much this hurts!
DWIGHT
All right... describe your symptoms, Michael.
MICHAEL
My back... incredible pain. Soon as I woke up.
DWIIGHT
Hm. Could be a ruptured disk. Could be a spinal
injury. Were you struck by a car or fell out of
a tree last night?
MICHAEL
Not in my bedroom, no.
DWIGHT
(pointing)
Erin! Go to Walgreens. Get some heat packs... and
some ice. Can't be too sure of a treatment. Get some
rubbing alcohol. Some towels. Ten Ace bandages. And
Ring Dings. Michael likes Ring Dings.
MICHAEL
Two packs.
ERIN
They... come two to a pack. So... two packs...
or one two... pack?
DWIGHT
No time for that! Don't stand there! Go!
Erin runs from the room. Dwight looks out the door with both hands on his hips. Jim and Pam watch amusedly.
DWIGHT
I'll look for a suitable triage area.
Dwight dashes from the room.
PAM
So you just... woke up like this?
MICHAEL
Yeah.
(grimaces)
Oh, the pain. This is... Jim, you couldn't
handle this pain. Your heart would stop.
JIM
Ok.
MICHAEL
(gingerly touching his back)
It goes away but then comes back twice
as bad. It's worse then childbirth. Pam, it's
like... if you had your baby through your back
it would hurt like this.
PAM
Wow. Good thing I'm doing it the regular way.
MICHAEL
Ohhh... it's like... God shrunk himself and went into
my back and is hitting my spine with lightning bolts.
And hail.
JIM
Actually... it sounds like back spasms. Had 'em
before.
MICHAEL
Back what?
JIM
Spasms.
MICHAEL
What the hell are back spasms?
MICHAEL TALKING HEAD
MICHAEL
(reading from his monitor)
Back spasms are a spontaneous, abnormal contraction
of the back muscles in response to a stress on the spine,
usually near the spinal cord or the nerve roots.
(looks at camera nodding slowly)
That tells me nothing.
INT. THE OFFICE - MICHAEL'S OFFICE
Jim and Pam are like before but Michael is sitting with his hands over his face.
MICHAEL
Oh man... chop my back off, I don't want it anymore....
JIM
Not… clear on why you came in.
MICHAEL
(painfully)
Jim… I’m the leader here. I'm the... the... captain
of this ship. Like on Star Trek. Now, does
Captain Kirk kill a Klingon or... or... bang
some hot green chick and then call up Doctor
Spock and say “Listen, Spock... I’m staying
home today cause I nailed this smokin’ alien
babe and I threw my back out.”? No. No, he beams
up to work and he gets on the phone and he
sells paper to inspire his crew. (beat)
And dictates the Captains Log. That’s what she said.
(laughs to camera, then grimaces)
JIM
(after a pause)
Still not clear.
PAM
I... think I can guess. It is, after all, Free
Pretzel Day, right Michael?
Michael looks at the two and then the camera guiltily.
JIM
You're kidding me.
MICHAEL
(pouting)
I mean... I've been waiting all year for this.
JIM
Wow.
PAM
Michael... we could've brought one to you.
MICHAEL
Not the same. The waiting in line, the
anticipation. I love that feeling. And Erin
will too when she's on line for me.
PAM
(sighing)
Well... let me call her. Tell her to get
some Doans or something.
Pam leaves.
MICHAEL
(groaning)
Ow, ow, ow! You had this, Jim? And it didn't
kill you?
JIM
Apparently not.
Just then Dwight comes running back into the office. He sweeps everything on Michael's desk onto the floor except for his monitor, which he pushes to the far end of the desk.
MICHAEL
DWIGHT! What the HELL...?
(grimaces)
DWIGHT
Sorry. Didn't want to move you to the
conference room. And I couldn't find a
spinal board to strap you to. This building's
emergency readiness sucks. Now, take off your
clothes and I'll help you onto the desk. You
need to be examined.
MIChAEL
(alarmed)
Uh... Jim...
JIM
(moving towards door)
Well... I'll leave you to it.
Enjoy that pretzel, Michael.
MICHAEL
Hold on...
Jim walks out and closes the door. Dwight digs through a first aid kit and pulls out something.
DWIGHT
I could only find an anal thermometer.
Is that ok?
Michael looks at the camera, even more alarmed.
Author's Chapter Notes:
No idea where this came from. And the title, besides being a phrase, is also a very good Steely Dan album. Initially, I was gonna call it "Twisted", which works too, but I decided to go with this. Hope you like!
Chapter End Notes:
I kinda bumped up the date for Free Pretzel Day (the episode it was mentioned in, "The Initiation" was the 5th of the 3rd season and aired on October 19th, 2006) so I hope you won't mind me taking a little liberty with that.
