INT. THE OFFICE-KITCHEN
Jim is getting coffee while Pam quietly leans against the counter holding her mug in both hands. Outside the kitchen door we see Michael look in and see Pam. His eyes widen and he turns away. Pam sees this and groans.
PAM
I should've just stayed home today.
JIM
You know, this COULD be worse. Your father
could be dating Angela.
PAM
(eyes wide)
SHUT. UP.
(laughs in spite of herself)
I think that actually would be worse.
JIM
Yeah, see?
PAM
(shaking head)
No, I don't think so.
JIM
Yeah, probably not.
Just then Michael tentatively enters the kitchen. He gives them both a huge forced smile. Pam turns her back to him.
MICHAEL
Morning, Jimbo.
JIM
Hey... Michael.
MICHAEL
Morning... Pam.
There is a long pause.
PAM
(quietly)
Michael.
MICHAEL
Wow... chilly today.
JIM
Yeah.
MICHAEL
UH... I mean.. outside.
JIM
Um... yeah.
MICHAEL
(laughing, trying to break ice)
You know, it's so funny when it starts getting
cold out and your mother calls and...
(catches himself and looks at Pam)
Um... I mean...in general. Not your...
(shakes head)
You know, they wanna make sure you're all...
bundled up... UM.. not together, of course...
I mean, that's... not wrong... just...
(stares in panic at the camera)
JIM
Michael.. can I have a word in your office, please?
MICHAEL
Yes, thank you.
Jim and Michael leave. Pam, with her back still to them, looks at the camera in a combination of anger and sadness.
JIM AND PAM TALKING HEAD
PAM
It’s… difficult. There’s no doubt
about that. But… I was talking to Jim
late last night…
(Jim looks at her a little puzzled)
…and we both agreed that it would be
best for all concerned… if we just kill
Michael.
JIM
UM…
(laughs)
…don’t recall this conversation.
PAM
We talked about it last night. Well… I talked
and you… slept.
JIM
Ah.
PAM
BUT… your snores indicated your approval.
JIM
(sighing)
Pam…
PAM
Wait. Hear me out. This is my plan.
We invite Michael over for dinner. Just
Michael, not my mother.
JIM
What, you don’t wanna kill your mother too?
PAM
No! I mean…. sometimes… but not now.
Jim shakes his head to the camera.
PAM(cont’d)
Ok, so we invite Michael to dinner. We drug
his food. Then, when he passes out we drag
him downstairs and put him in the old bathtub
we replaced.
JIM
(shaking head)
Not… liking this “we” stuff.
PAM
Question. Can you buy
Hydrochloric acid in bulk?
JIM
Wow.
PAM
I mean… at what point does it become suspicious?
JIM
Alright. I have two problems with this plan.
PAM
Great. I KNEW you could find a way to kill
Michael more efficiently.
JIM
Uh… number one. I now know about the plan.
So, regardless of whether I help you or not, that
would make me an accessory… or… an accomplice.
Or both. Fuzzy on that. But, either way, prison.
PAM
Not sure of your point.
JIM
(nodding)
OK. Well, number two. You just told the film
crew about the plan to murder your boss.
(Pam looks in shock at the camera)
So, what… you’re gonna kill them too?
Pam is still looking at the camera with the shocked expression but it changes slowly to a look of grim determination.
PAM
If it comes to that.
JIM
Alrighty.
(to camera)
Well, to answer your question, no, Pam has not
fully… acclimated herself to this situation yet.
PAM
(shaking head)
Kinda slow going.
(beat)
And I’m sorry, I wouldn’t kill you guys.
(beat)
I don’t think.
Author's Chapter Notes:
I was really looking forward to last night's episode so I wrote the Talking Head portion of it a few days ago, hoping that I could still use it when the smoke cleared. Luckily, I could. So, I added the beginning and there you have it. Hope you like!
