THE OFFICE-INT. CONFERENCE ROOM
We see Jo Bennett seated at the conference table with her dogs behind her, looking bored. (the dogs, that is. And maybe Jo, a bit) Angela is standing on the other side of the desk looking, as usual, aggitated.
ANGELA
So, that's what I would like to do. Jo, it's really
important to me!
JO
Ok, well, I guess you can use the breakroom
very early or very late. I can't be interuptin'
work hours for this. God helps those who
helps themselves, right sweetheart? So, go
on and set it up...
ANGELA
I've tried that already. I was hoping you could
make it mandatory.
JO
(laughing)
I can't make people pray at work, dear. It ain't legal.
ANGELA
Which is an outrage!
JO
Besides, prayer don't solve everything. Like
my daddy used to say, "Prayer's all right in
a prayer meeting but it don't mean a damn
in a bear meeting."
ANGELA
(confused)
What.. does that even mean? Bears don't
believe in God?
JO
No... that's not...
ANGELA
And why are bears meeting anyway? What
could bears possibly meet about?
JO
No... it's not another bear meeting a bear,
It's you meeting a bear.
ANGELA
Why would I meet a bear? I don't even like
DOGS.
Angela realizes, looks at the dogs and then back to Jo.
ANGELA
(phony)
Except... these dogs. They are so adorable!
Jo looks at the camera as one of the dogs yawns.
JO TALKING HEAD
Jo is still seated at the conference table, the dogs still behind her.
JO
These people up here are good folks.
(beat) For the most part. Couple of
knuckleheads in the bunch but that's
to be expected. But damned if I can
talk to them sometimes. Like I should
have a South-to-North translator with
me.
(shakes head and looks down, then looks up thoughtfully)
They don't have those, do they?
INT. THE OFFICE-OTHER CONFERENCE ROOM
We see everyone seated in their customary spots with Michael and Jo at the head of the room. Dwight is addressing Jo.
DWIGHT
So, IF there are no more problems with the printers besides the fire issue and IF customer confidence continues to rise as it has been and IF the economy continues it's slow pitiful crawl back to life, I think we can expect a small bump in sales this fall. If everything falls into place.
JO
If, if, if, Dwight. Like my daddy used to say "If a buzzard
had a piano in his ass there'd be music in the air." Y'know?
DWIGHT
Uh... no.
CREED
Piano-Ass Buzzards. Seen those in Thailand.
MICHAEL
No, I get it!
(laughs)
Whoa, that's brilliant! Where do you get these little gems
from?
(laughs)
Buzzard.
JO
So, you know what I mean, Michael?
MICHAEL
Yeah! Of course! Um... like.... you're saying that...
(beat) The buzzard has, y'know. The piano in his..
all shoved up in there and... um... uh... basically we're
being too.... anal about...
(squints)
...music?
JO
(sighing)
No...
PAM
Wait. I think I understand. You're saying.... we're putting
too much stock into the word "if". Like...anything can
happen with "if". It's a flimsy word. Like a buzzard with
a piano in his..
(embarrassed)
um... you know.
JO
(pointing at Pam)
Yes! Yes, exactly!
Everyone claps as an excited Pam bounces in her seat and Jim throws his arm around her happily.
JO
Good job, Pam!
MICHAEL
Yes, Pam, good job... um.. clarifying what I meant.
Cause that's what I meant.
JO
(laughing)
Oh, Michael... like my daddy also used to say.
"You talk like a man with a paper ass."
(laughs and looks at Pam)
Right, Pam? Know what I mean?
PAM
Uh...yes!
(laughs)
Yeah, I, I.... um....
(beat then sadly shakes head)
..no, I don't.. get it.
Jo slumps and looks at the camera.
JO TALKING HEAD
We see Jo back in the conference room typing on a laptop.
JO
.. with a paper ass. Meaning a man with no weight behind
what he says.
(stops typing, looks up at the camera)
South to North translator.
(shakes her head, looks back at laptop and starts typing again)
Poor daddy must be spinnin' in his grave...
Author's Chapter Notes:
Been a LONG time. This has been a very uncreative summer for me. So, I may be a bit rusty (or a lot). Hope you guys like!
Chapter End Notes:
Actually, all the quotes that Jo attributes to her dad are actually things my dad used to say. He had these wacky sayings that my grandfather used to tell him as a boy growing up in North Carolina. You know, William Shatner has that new show "S$*! My Dad Used to Say" coming out, which is based on a book. For years my wife said that I should do a book like that. I wish I had.
So Dad, this is me trying to get some of your good sayings out there. Last May my father would've been 88 years old. God bless him.
So Dad, this is me trying to get some of your good sayings out there. Last May my father would've been 88 years old. God bless him.
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