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• To what faults do you feel most indulgent?

Indulgence is a sin. Next.

• Who are your favorite heroines in real life?

I suppose I mildly respect Ann Coulter. She seems to have a strong sense of values and faith.

• The quality you most admire in a man?

I’ve always admired men who take charge and stand up for what they believe in. Men who have a strong moral base and believe in hard work, duty, and discipline. I do not admire weak men. I admire loyalty, but to a point. When loyalty is misplaced, especially when it’s given blindly to a mentally inferior, annoying Neanderthal, then I do not respect it. At all.

• The quality you most admire in a woman?

I dislike the majority of women. Loose morals and an improper sense of propriety seem to be all the rage these days. Apparently, keeping one’s legs closed is out of style. I especially hate women who talk too much, wear trampy clothing, and parade their sexual deviances in front of the world like some perverted badge of honor. And are named Kelly Kapoor.

• Your favorite occupation?

I enjoy my job as a senior accountant. I, however, do not enjoy having to sit across from an ignorant, gluttonous monster that devours a two pound bag of M&M’s per week.

• Who would you have liked to be?

Envy is a sin. Next.

• What do you most value in your friends?

I have very few friends. It’s rare to find people that have a similar set of beliefs and values as I do. Even in my women’s group at church, they sometimes discuss…sex. In church. Why don’t we just talk about abortions or homosexual marriages? Maybe we can also craft alters to false golden idols. Harlots.

• What is your favorite flower?

A well arranged bouquet of lilies is nice, I suppose. Easter lilies. But not too many, then it becomes gaudy.

[Dwight speaks from doorway] Pffft. You do know the lily is the symbolic flower of death.

[Angela whips around to glare at him] Well, you would know all about that, wouldn’t you?

[Dwight looks guilty, slinks away shutting door behind him]

• What is your favorite color?

White. The color of purity. And…Sprinkles’ beautiful fur. [Tears well up in eyes]

• What is your favorite bird?

What? [Tears still brimming] No.

• What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?

[Pause] The loss of a cherished and beloved cat. [Face slightly crumples in pain, tears spill over] A beautiful, sweet cat that never did a bad thing in her short, short life. She deserved a better death. She did not deserve to be pumped full of barbiturates and shoved into a freezer by a brute of a man as if she was garbage. She was a five-time winner of Most Beautiful Cat at the regional “A‘Cat’emy Awards”! Five times! And for him to just… [Chokes back sob] Unforgivable.

• What is your idea of earthly happiness?

I used to think it would be to marry a kind yet strong gentleman and settle into a quiet life. [Dabs eyes] I now think that there may be no earthly happiness to be found, and true happiness will await me only in Heaven. Because in Heaven, sinners, trollops, and cat killers will not be allowed in.

• What is your favorite virtue?

Hmm. [Pauses, considering] Prudence. [Nods] Yes, prudence. When a person exemplifies prudence, they practice sound judgment at all times and with all actions. They do not stuff their girlfriend’s cats in freezers next to the frozen peas.

• What is your principle defect?

Putting trust into men who grossly misuse it.

• What to your mind would be the greatest of misfortunes?

To proceed in a relationship with a…gentleman…only to discover later his cold, manipulative heart. Can you imagine if I had continued to trust him to be around my other cats? I would have probably come home one evening to him fashioning a hat or something out of poor Persnickitty or trying to shave Mufferdoodle.

• Who are your heroes in real life?

Jesus Christ. Next.

• What is it you most dislike?

Cat killers. And Michael Scott.

• What historical figures do you most despise?

Judas, of course. Mary Magdalene and…Marilyn Monroe. Is it coincidence that two of the biggest hussies in history have the same initials? Hardly.

• What is your present state of mind?

Angry. Betrayed. Sad. But mostly angry. A Martin never forgets, you know. [Glares] Just ask my sister.