It was hard to really pinpoint when things went so haywire. It could have been when they were yelling more than they were talking, or maybe it was because when they weren't arguing, they weren't even talking at all. There was suddenly a lot of silence in a house that used to be so full of laughter.
Jim didn't know what was worse, that they had let themselves get to this place, or that he didn't even know how.
***
The first month they live together, Jim thinks he knows how it is to completely make someone happy.
After a full day of moving in furniture and unpacking boxes, they sit in the middle of their living room and and eat pizza and nurse half-empty beers and marvel at all that is finally theirs. She laughs and leans her head on his shoulder and tells him he's done for; says she finally has him all to herself and he's stuck with her now. When she kisses him, he smiles against her lips and thinks to himself that it was all he ever wanted.
They lay in bed that first night, their hands entertwined, whispering secrets in the dark. When sleep threatens to overtake them both, he remembers suddenly, and hastily slips out from under the covers, walking across the room to search through boxes. She giggles and asks him what he's doing, and then he shrieks in victory and holds up a small wrapped gift.
He sets it in her lap and she casts him a bemused smile, and before she can even ask why, he tells her it's just a housewarming present. She shakes her head and tells him he's too much. She opens it and gasps, murmuring his name softly. She glances up from her lap and he sees tears and he grins and tells her she's such a sap.
He watches as she reaches over him to set the package on the floor and in the same motion, reach for him, pulling him near and whispering in his ear that these kinds of presents deserve proper gratitude.
He wakes up the next morning tired but definitely well rested and finds the pillow next to him empty. His hand, though, finds a paper and as he grabs it, he rubs his eyes trying to adjust to the morning sun. He focuses and smiles when he realizes exactly what it is that is staring back at him.
She comes back into the room, in his shirt, with two cups of coffee and he grins and tells her it's a little creepy to draw someone sleeping. She just tilts her head and shrugs and tells him that she was just putting his gift to work.
When he looks at it again, he decides that the charcoal gift set at Target was the best $25 he'd ever spent.
***
They fight over the most ridiculous things at first. He left the toilet seat up, she forgot the milk, he broke one of her pencils again when she was the one who left them laying around to be broken and so on and so forth. Jim didn't know he had it in him to yell so much or feel such annoyance at another person.
It's only been a couple months since they've lived together and he thinks the honeymoon's ending but it'll be okay. Pretty soon after, the little fights turn into big arguments and how dare he leave her when she needed him and how dare she act as if he could possibly stay. There was too much anger and regret and disappointment bottled up and how could they even begin to deal with it.
It's hard to face demons when they're much bigger than you ever could have ever anticipated.
***
They had been taking separate cars to work for a couple of weeks now, and if there was anyone at work that noticed the tense air that stood between them, Jim didn't know of it. No one said anything.
Sometimes he lets himself look towards reception and she'd be deeply engrossed in something on the computer or she'd actually be doing work and making phone calls. Sometimes she looks over at him and he meets her gaze and they share a glance that was full of wonder and regret and he'd plead with his eyes questions he knew neither of them had the answers to. And every time he thinks maybe it's okay to walk over to her, she'd snap out of her trance and fix her eyes and return to whatever she was doing in the first place.
For a minute longer than he should, he'd continue to stare at her and wonder when it was they lost each other.
***
When they go on that first date and realize that this is it, that there's nothing that can stand between them anymore, he thinks that if he has to die tomorrow, he'd be okay with that because nothing could ever compare to looking into her eyes and to actually be able to see a future with her.
They walk out of the restaurant holding hands and he smiles and knows that is quite possibly the best first date he's ever had. He walks her to her car and she smiles and thanks him for a great dinner and he nods and thanks her for the great company.
He wonders if he should try to kiss her or would she like that or do people even kiss on first dates anymore but it doesn't matter because she leans towards him and hugs him and whispers that she's glad he's home. He wraps his arms around her and holds her tightly and breathes her in and tells himself to never, ever let her go again.
***
Jim's sitting on the steps of their front porch as he watches her park her car. She had another late art class again, or at least that's probably what she'll tell him to mask the fact that she stayed later to continue painting or she took another long route home. He doesn't blame her.
She's walking up the steps and he crosses his arm against the sudden wind and rests his head there. He notices the tired, worn look on her face and decides that he's really sick of seeing that.
She stops in front of him and he looks up at her and even though they haven't really spoken in two weeks and he's supposed to be angry and mad, he isn't sure if he's loved her more than he does in that moment.
He lifts his head and holds out a hand and she stares at him a beat before she takes it, and he pulls her into his lap and wraps himself around her. He sighs against her and tells himself that he's stupid and so is she for letting it get to this point because why waste time when you've already wasted so much time and why spend it on anger and fear and sadness when he knows that he's a better person for all the happiness she's given him.
Jim touches her cheek and she turns her head and her eyes are glistening and he shakes his head. She smiles and shrugs her shoulder and he leans his forehead against hers and he closes his eyes and whispers, "I love you."
She has a hand in his hair and she pulls him closer and he can hear her soft sigh. "I love you too."
He rests against her and decides that they'll sit out here a few minutes longer but than they'll go inside and talk and talk and get it all out and he knows they have a lot ahead of them, as they always do, but the only difference between now and than was that they could finally weather it together.
