ACT TWO

MICHAEL is sitting at his desk, expectantly arranging a legal pad and pen on his desk. DARRYL walks into his office and towards his desk.

MICHAEL

(happily to camera)

Ah! There he is. Darryl Philbin!

DARRYL

(looks at camera and then at MICHAEL with obvious annoyance)

Yeah, Mike you called and said there was a problem with a ship…

MICHAEL

(interrupting)

Is that your final answer?

(laughs at own joke)

No, what?

DARRYL

(hesitates before speaking)

You called about a problem with a shipment?

MICHAEL

(waves his hand dismissively)

Oh, yeah, but it was one of Dwight’s so [beat] Hey! While I have you here, did you know that we’re celebrating your tribal heritage this X-mas?

DARRYL

(confusedly)

Excuse me?

MICHAEL

Yeah, we’re merging Kwanzaa…

(points to DARRYL)

with Christmas

(points to himself, but then realizes his mistake and attempts to point to both DARRYL and himself at the same time with the same hand)

Both men stare at each other for several seconds while MICHAEL’s hand remains frozen in between them.

DARRYL

(turns to go and puts his hand on the door handle)

I’m busy Mike, I don’t have time for this.

MICHAEL

(hurriedly and panicky)

No! Wait! I need your help for the party. I, uh, gotta have new black man phrases to make sure people see my multipleculturalness.

(looks at camera)

DARRYL who still has his back to MICHAEL, and his hand on the door handle, turns slowly around, and the camera zooms in on a faint smile on his face.

CUT TO: Accounting, OSCAR and ANGELA’s Desks

ANGELA is attempting to work but is in obvious distress and is constantly looking up from her work in quiet exasperation. KEVIN has headphones on and is smiling at something he is watching on his computer. OSCAR is not at his desk. After several seconds of this, the camera quickly pans to see ANDY approaching. He sits on the edge of OSCAR’s desk, and faces ANGELA.

ANDY

(softly)

Why so glum, sugar plum?

ANGELA

(looks up at ANDY)

I-

(looks over at KEVIN, who remains preoccupied, and then back to ANDY)

This Kwanzaa Christmas party, which I now have to co-chair with Pam

(sigh)

why can’t we have a nice party, with an appropriate theme? I-

(looks down at her desk sadly)

wanted to do the Twelve Days of Christmas this year.

ANDY

Well you still can. I mean, everyone loves that song.

(begins to sing a little too loudly)

Five gold rings!

ANGELA

(hisses under her breath)

Break room!

At her command, they both get up and walk towards the break room without another word.

CUT TO: INT. Break Room

ANGELA and ANDY enter and silently sit down together, on opposite ends of a table. They are the only people in the room.

ANDY

(looks over at the vending machine and then says with some emotion)

Man, I could really use something with nougat.

ANGELA

(staring intently at ANDY while he looks at the vending machine)

So what are we going to do?

ANDY

(looks away from machine and to ANGELA)

About what?

ANGELA

(angrily)

About what?! About the fact that….

(obviously pauses to consider her words and when she speaks, it is deliberately)

I have no problem with African-Americans celebrating their heritage, but why do they have to do it at the same time as the birth of baby Jesus? [beat] not to mention the fact that if Pam had her way, he wouldn’t even be in a manger, but a [beat] disco club or a brothel.

(puts her head in her hands)

ANDY

(nods his head in agreement, but is obviously overwhelmed)

Well, uh, I still think the Twelve Days theme is Christmas-ey. You should do that.

Right after ANDY finishes, PAM walks in with a mug in her hand. She is several steps into the room before she realizes the situation.

PAM

(holds the mug closer to herself)

Oh. I, um, didn’t see you guys. Sorry.

ANDY

(smiling)

No, it’s cool Pam. The lady and I were discussing options for the party.

PAM

(nods tentatively while looking at ANGELA)

Oh, cool. We, uh, are still having the meeting today, right Angela?

ANGELA

(looks over towards PAM, her face is emotionless)

Yes, Pam. I sent you the memo.

PAM

Yes

(looks at camera)

[beat] you did.

PAM TALKING HEAD [Conference Room]

PAM holds up a clipped together group of papers to the camera that constitutes probably around twenty pages.

I did get the memo. Uh, yeah, it took me like an hour to read. There are actual

(smiles widely and casually thumbs through it)

appendices, [beat]

(looks at camera)

seriously! And maybe [beat]

(looks back at memo as she continues to thumb through it)

a flow chart or a graph. Oh! Yeah, look at this

(PAM flips to the last page and holds it up to the camera, which zooms in and shows in bold lettering PAM BEESLY and ANGELA MARTIN, with their accompanying signatures below it. She pulls it back down.)

Um, I never signed anything. Did she, like, [beat] forge or photoshop my signature?

(looks slightly worriedly at camera)

CUT BACK TO OFFICE

ANGELA

(determinedly)

Well, Pam understands, that this is a Christmas party first. Then, a Kwanzaa party.

(looks at PAM)

PAM

(innocently)

I thought Michael said it was a Kwanzaa Christmas?

ANGELA

(angrily)

Well, Michael is not a chair of the Party Planning Committee. I am, and I think it would be best to have Christian-themed decorations this year.

ANDY

(excitedly)

You know what?

(slaps table)

I’ve got it! What about if you had black baby Jesus decorations?

There is a pause as PAM smirks slightly and looks expectantly at ANGELA, who is staring intensely at ANDY.

ANDY (cont.)

(looking at PAM and oblivious to ANGELA)

Do you think they sell those at Target? Or like…hmmm.

(looks into space thoughtfully, and still does not notice ANGELA)

ANGELA

(gets up suddenly from the table)

I-I’m going back to my desk.

ANGELA leaves the break room quickly, leaving PAM and ANDY. The camera zooms in on ANDY, who is smiling and looking at PAM and then at the camera.

ANDY TALKING HEAD [Conference Room]

I think black baby Jesus is a great idea for the office party. It’s like the Neapolitan of baby Jesuses. Cause he’s usually [beat] vanilla [beat]

(pauses to reconsider, but regains momentum by changing the subject)

I think Angela liked the idea, she seemed anxious to get back to her desk and start planning.

(smiles)

PAM TALKING HEAD [Conference Room]

(shakes her head sadly)

I don’t think he ever saw it coming.

(thinks for a second)

Or saw it going.

CUT TO: INT. MICHAEL’s Office

MICHAEL is still sitting at his desk, this time with a scribbled-filled legal pad, and the pen in his hand. DARRYL leans back in his chair, thoughtfully.

MICHAEL

I like ‘check yourself before you wreck yourself.’

DARRYL

(nods and smiles)

Yeah, me and the other Negros say that all the time.

MICHAEL

(nods in sync with DARRYL)

So it’s on the street, then?

DARRYL

Oh, no, it’s too new. Hasn’t even got there yet.

(looks at camera and smiles)

MICHAEL

Right. It’s on the down low. The DL. Got it. Any more?

DARRYL

(thoughtfully)

Uh [beat] have you heard ‘all that and a bag of chips?’

MICHAEL

(excitedly)

Yeah! That one I’ve heard. Oh wait.

(dejectedly)

Does that mean it’s a white man phrase now?

DARRYL

No, no. It’s back to being black. It’s, uh..

(tries not to laugh)

blacktro.

MICHAEL

Blacktro?

DARRYL

Black retro.

MICHAEL

(scribbles down on legal pad)

Can I use that too?

DARRYL

(shrugs)

Sure

MICHAEL

I promise I’ll only use it in case of racial emergencies.

DARRYL

(nods)

Okay.

MICHAEL

Great, and…

DARRYL

(interrupting)

Mike, I really should be getting back to the warehouse. We’re backed up because of the holidays.

MICHAEL

Okay, yeah, sure. You are coming to the party on Friday though?

DARRYL

(stands up)

Yeah, I’ll be there.

MICHAEL

Fresh! Oh wait. Let’s do it for old times’ sake.

DARRYL looks at MICHAEL confusedly, as he gets up and stretches out his hand. He then realizes what he’s doing and steps forward and does the ‘black man handshake’ with him.

DARRYL

(backs away towards the door)

Okay, see you at the party.

MICHAEL

Yeah. I’ll see you at the party.

MICHAEL TALKING HEAD [Michael’s Office]

Darryl is a great guy. He’s my black connection to the rest of the world. [beat] Not that I don’t have other African-American friends, um, Stanley obviously. But, actually, you know what? That’s wrong. It’s wrong.

(pauses and then resumes seriously)

Because, I was watching the Discovery Channel on my futon the other night, and they said that we’re all descended from like, one man and woman, who lived in this region of Africa.

(gazes thoughtfully off to the side)

Uh, Mumbutu? [beat] I don’t remember.

(looks back at camera)

So then, aren’t we all African-Americans?

(looks at camera convincingly, but then hesitates)

Though, that means Jan and I are related and doing it. Uh…

(expression changes to worry)

CUT TO: Main Office, JIM and DWIGHT’s Desks

DWIGHT is tapping his bobbleheads despondently, and has his chin in his hand. JIM is on the phone, and looking at his computer screen. The camera pans over a little to see ANDY and PAM walking back into the office. They separate at Stanley’s desk, and the camera follows PAM as she walks towards DWIGHT’s desk, with her eyes on JIM the entire time.

JIM

(on the phone)

Yes, Mr. Breckenridge, we are running a sale on the…

Camera pans from JIM to PAM who is now standing in the middle of the office, staring at JIM and trying to get his attention, before it pans back to a oblivious JIM.

JIM (cont.)

…right, yeah, the cardstock. Yes, sir. Mmm-hmm.

Camera pans again to PAM, who self-consciously looks at the camera, and starts walking towards her desk, still looking at JIM. DWIGHT looks up from his bobbleheads and takes notice.

JIM (cont.)

Well, I know how important it is to be stocked for the New Year.

DWIGHT

(quietly interrupting, and said without emotion)

Jim, I think Pam is in heat.

JIM

(continues to hold the phone, but stops paying attention to it, and looks at DWIGHT)

Uh, wha-what?

Camera quickly pans to Reception where Pam is now sitting. She is looking at her computer screen, obviously typing, and does not hear DWIGHT’s comment.

DWIGHT

(still without emotion)

It happens with all animals. The female of the species wishes to propagate.

(sighs the words)

It’s a biological imperative.

JIM

(realizes he has been ignoring his client)

I’m sorry, Mr. Breckenridge, I’m going to have to call you back.

(hangs up phone and looks at DWIGHT pissed off)

Dwight, what the—

DWIGHT

(interrupting)

She was staring at you openly just now. [beat] I think she might have licked her lips too.

JIM

(quizzical look, but changes his tone)

Uh, I [beat] okay

(gets up and walks quickly over towards reception)

PAM is still concentrating on her typing, as JIM leans on her desk.

JIM

Uh, Pam.

PAM

(looks up and is surprised)

Oh!

(JIM smiles at her reaction)

Hey

(she smiles back)

JIM

So, quick question for you.

(strings out the first couple words)

Were you [beat] staring at me a second ago?

PAM

(looks at camera embarrassed, and then at JIM)

Uh, yeah I was. We need to talk, like, now.

JIM

(squints one side of his face a little)

Uh, okay. Did I [beat] do something wrong?

(slight worry on his face suddenly)

or not do something right?

PAM

(rolls her eyes a little)

No, it’s about

(pauses and looks over to the partition between her and Accounting)

uh, why don’t we…

(grabs some papers from her desk and speaks louder then is normal)

Yes, I can write that down, do you want to go to the Conference Room?

JIM

(looks confused and speaks under his breath)

Do I?

PAM

(nods)

Yes.

JIM

(He turns back towards the office where nobody is paying attention to them)

Yes, Pam. Let’s go [beat] dictate that memo in the Conference Room.

PAM gets up from her desk while JIM waits for her and they walk towards the Conference Room together, as they do, JIM continues to speak.

JIM (cont.)

( purposefully a little too loudly and stilted)

Important memo. Gotta get it done, get it sent off.

(PAM is giggling)

Official. Memorandum.

They are now both at the Conference Room and enter.

PAM is still giggling and JIM is smiling as they sit down next to each other at the table. Their backs are to the door.

JIM

Okay, what is going on?

PAM

(looks at camera, but is undeterred)

You are not going to believe what happened in the break room. It was [beat]

(does ‘Pam hands’, i.e. holds her hands out in front of her and bends her fingers slightly)

Wow.

JIM

How bad could it have been? Dwight was at his desk.

PAM

No, no. Okay, so I walked in on Andy and Angela.

JIM

(interrupting)

I don’t want to hear this!

PAM

What? Oh! Gross, no, Jim. No, they were talking.

JIM looks at the camera and silently mouths ‘talking’ while doing air quotes.

PAM (cont.)

Do you want me to tell you or not?

(pauses and waits as JIM stops and pays attention)

Thank you. No, they were talking about the party, and apparently Angela wants Christian themed decorations, because [beat] I dunno she’s Angela, but then Andy suggested

(she smiles widely)

black baby Jesus decorations.

JIM doesn’t smile but suddenly looks thoughtful.

PAM (cont.)

I mean, Angela’s not racist or anything, but you should have seen the look [beat] on [beat]

(looks at JIM who is not paying attention to what she is saying, but is smiling a little)

What? Why are you smiling?

JIM

(smirks at PAM a little)

You are co-chair on the committee, right?

PAM

(nods)

Yeah. Oh god, it’s going to be awful

(shakes her head)

JIM

Yeah [beat] do you think you could do me a favor?

PAM

(looking at JIM quizzically)

Of course [beat] but what?

JIM smiles at PAM who continues to look confused.