ACT THREE
INT. Conference Room
The Conference Room is filled with the Party Planning Committee. ANGELA sits at the head of the table, with a notepad in front of her. In clockwise rotation around the table (from the camera’s perspective at the other end) sits PAM with a notepad as well, MEREDITH, KELLY, OSCAR, and PHYLLIS. The door to the room is open.
ANGELA
Okay, are we all finally here?
(she glares over at Kelly)
KELLY
(looks at ANGELA, but is ignorant of her tone)
Sorry, I’m late. But [beat]
(said quickly and in a high pitch)
Darryl just invited me to a bed and breakfast this weekend!
Everyone at the table, except ANGELA, reluctantly murmurs their approval and happiness at the news.
KELLY (cont.)
(smiling)
I know! It’s gonna be so magical. Plus, his brat daughter isn’t coming! Isn’t that great?
Now, everyone sits silently and stares uncomfortably at the table or the wall, except PAM, who quickly looks at the camera. The silence goes on for several seconds.
ANGELA
(clears her throat nosily)
Michael had several requests for the Christmas Kwanzaa Party, because of the expanded budget.
(looks over at PAM)
PAM is not paying attention, but is nervously looking past OSCAR, who is on the opposite side of the table, and through the open door at JIM who is leaned up against ANDY’s desk. As the camera pans over we see that he is looking back at her.
ANGELA (cont.)
(impatiently)
Pam?
PAM looks over at ANGELA and then smiles embarrassedly.
PAM
Um, yeah, sorry.
(looks down at notepad)
Michael wants, uh, chocolate fondue to dip marshmallows in. A [beat] keg of Colt .45, uh, Mallomars…..
(turns notepad over)
Yeah, you know what? I think we can just skip [beat] all of that.
MEREDITH
(concernedly)
Uh, what about the Colt?
ANGELA
(glaring at her)
What about your liver?
(MEREDITH breaks eye-contact and stares at the table, while everyone sits uncomfortably)
Pam is right, Michael’s ideas are horrible.
Everyone at the table is still visibly uncomfortable, but a few nod their approval.
PAM
Yeah, so, let’s come up with some new ideas.
(kindly)
You know, ones that would be fun, and combine Christmas and Kwanzaa.
(smiles at other committee members)
PHYLLIS
(worriedly)
Well, I don’t meant to offend anyone…
(looks around table)
but I don’t know very much about Kwanzaa.
ANGELA
None of us do, Phyllis. None of us do. Which is why…
(looks down at her notepad)
we should just concentrate on the Christmas side of the party, and forget about Kwanzaa.
OSCAR
Well, I don’t see why we can’t do both. I don’t know very much about it either, but I’m sure we can look it up. There’s no reason to be ignorant.
(looks at ANGELA)
ANGELA
(looking directly at OSCAR)
I don’t think we should be ignorant.
(looks away and at the table in general)
In fact, for the Christmas part, I think we should have Christian decorations instead of Santa.
KELLY
(unsure)
Uh, I dunno. Santa is like, cute and cuddly, and Jesus is all like [beat] blah, you know? He’s kinda gross, with all that blood and stuff.
ANGELA
(visibly upset)
Your lord and savior is gross?
KELLY
(looks confused)
I’m Hindu.
ANGELA
(loud sigh)
I forgot, you believe in sex positions. My mistake.
KELLY looks offended and is about to say something back when PAM intervenes.
PAM
Um, alright, we don’t [beat] let’s just get some decorations from both holidays and combine them.
ANGELA
I think we should put up Christian decorations. Christmas is about the birth of baby Jesus.
The camera zooms in on PAM as she looks through the open door again at JIM, and then swings over to see him shaking his head no.
PAM
(sighs)
Uh, Angela, I think it would be best if we had [beat] no Christian decorations within the office. It could offend people, and, um, yeah, offend people.
ANGELA
Well, I am chairman of the committee, Pam.
PAM
(interrupting with a little edge)
No, you’re co-chair, with me.
ANGELA
I—
(pauses for a second, and then says in an eerily calm tone while turned towards PAM)
Fine Pam. If you want Christmas to be about African-Americans celebrating the fact that they got a [beat] new album from Santa, then let’s just do what you say.
PAM
(cheerfully to the table)
Okay, good, so does everyone agree that we should do that?
Everyone nods, except ANGELA.
PAM (cont.)
So let’s figure out what we want for decorations.
(flips open her notepad.)
CUT TO: Main Office, JIM and DWIGHT’s Desks
The camera watches JIM work for several seconds and DWIGHT sit staring into space. The camera then pans over to see the members of the Party Planning Committee walk out of the Conference Room. Everyone should be in relatively high spirits, KELLY especially, but not ANGELA. The camera follows PAM as she walks over to JIM.
JIM
(turns in his seat and half-smiles up at PAM)
How’d it go?
PAM
(looks over her shoulder at MICHAEL’s office door and then quickly hands JIM something that the camera doesn’t catch the detail of)
You owe me. [beat]
(more softly)
I hope this works.
JIM
(swivels in his chair to look at an even more despondent DWIGHT)
Yeah, I think it’s going to have to.
PAM
(looks over at DWIGHT and frowns)
Are you going now?
JIM
Yeah, we might as well, party is tomorrow, right?
PAM
Yeah, but, um, can you pick me up…
(looks over at camera quickly)
JIM
(interrupting)
Sun Chips?
PAM
(smiles)
Yeah! How’d you know?
JIM
(looks over at camera and then says quietly)
You ate the rest of them while we were watching Pushing Daisies last night.
PAM
(embarrassed)
Right. Yeah, okay, thanks.
(she walks over to her desk, but the camera stays on JIM)
JIM
(smiles, but then returns to a frown as he looks over at DWIGHT)
Uh, Dwight?
DWIGHT
(looks over lazily at JIM)
What?
JIM
I have an update on the situation…
(DWIGHT shows no recognition of what JIM is alluding to)
[beat] that we talked about in the Break Room.
DWIGHT
(thinks for a second but then remembers)
Yes, Jim, of course I remember.
(suddenly concerned)
Wait. Did you discuss the situation with Pam?
JIM
(cautiously)
Uh, yes? But I used codenames.
DWIGHT
(seriously)
What were they?
JIM
(surprised)
Oh [beat] they were [beat] Emily and Christine.
DWIGHT
(under his breath, but intensely)
You made me a lesbian?
JIM
(looks at camera)
Wha—No, um, I thought it would disguise it better.
DWIGHT
(shakes head)
Jim, lesbian relationships are entirely different.
JIM
(questioningly)
How could you possibly know that?
DWIGHT
I told you, I’ve studied women. I subscribe to numerous lesbeonic magazines.
JIM
(looks at camera, with eyebrows raised)
Uh, okay, well [beat] we’re going on a sales call, so grab your jacket.
ANDY
(from out of frame)
Sales call, Tuna?
The camera swings over to show ANDY turned in his chair looking at JIM expectantly.
ANDY (cont.)
You should take me. In Stamford they called me ‘The Closer’, because I was always [beat] uh…
JIM
(interrupting)
Closing the deal?
ANDY
(nods)
Exactly! See, it’s unspoken between us.
JIM
Yeah, [beat] you do know I worked with you in Stamford, right? So I know nobody called you that.
ANDY
(flustered and scrambling to defend himself)
Karen called me that sometimes.
JIM
(crossing his arms and taking some delight in the argument)
Yeah, no she didn’t.
ANDY
(a little childishly)
How would you know?
JIM
(cocks his head a little)
Really?
ANDY
(dramatically)
Fine! But, I still want to go on your sales call with you.
JIM
No, it’s Dwight and I. We’re, uh…
(sighs)
a team.
Without another word, DWIGHT gets up while staring at ANDY, followed by JIM, and they both walk over to the coat rack next to Reception. DWIGHT picks up his jacket and turns to JIM.
DWIGHT
I’m ready. Let’s rock this sale!
(turns and walks away towards the door.)
PAM
(looking at JIM)
Does he know you’re not actually going on a sales call?
JIM
(looks over at DWIGHT and then back to PAM)
Uh, I thought he did.
PAM
(smirks)
Good luck.
JIM
Yeah, thanks.
CUT TO: Ext. Parking Lot
DWIGHT and JIM are walking out of the building and into the parking lot. DWIGHT should be wearing the same outfit that he wore in the ‘Michael’s Birthday’ episode.
DWIGHT
We should take the Trans-Am it’ll be faster.
JIM
You don’t know where we’re going.
DWIGHT
(pauses to consider JIM’s words)
It’ll still be faster.
JIM
No, we’re not [beat] we’ll take my car. We need the storage.
DWIGHT
(confused)
I thought we were going on a sales call?
JIM
No, that was code, Dwight.
DWIGHT
Dammit, Jim! You are terrible with codes.
They are now both walking towards JIM’s car. DWIGHT gets in the back seat, while JIM shakes his head and begins to get in the driver’s side.
JIM
Yeah.
(closes car door)
CUT TO: INT. Accounting, ANGELA and OSCAR’s Desks
ANGELA is back at her desk, but is angrily moving around papers on her desk, and casting dirty looks at OSCAR. OSCAR is purposefully ignoring her, and is concentrating on his computer monitor. KEVIN is sitting doing nothing. Once again, the camera turns to see ANDY walking towards ANGELA’s desk.
ANDY
So?
ANGELA
(looks up, obviously in distress)
What Andy?
ANDY
How’d the meeting go? Did you bring up black baby Jesus?
At this OSCAR and KEVIN both stop and look at ANGELA, she quickly looks at them and then even more agitatedly at ANDY.
ANGELA
(through her teeth)
No. I did not. Apparently this year Christmas is going to be about Santa and heathenism.
ANDY
(pauses to consider her words)
I thought you wanted to do a Twelve Days of Christmas theme?
ANGELA
(taken aback slightly)
I—[beat] Do you know who Pam assigned to the Kwanzaa part of the party? Do you?!
CUT TO: The Annex, KELLY’s Desk
KELLY is at her desk, which has papers strewn all over it, among various fashion magazine. Of which Cosmogirl! is prominently positioned. She looks up at the camera.
KELLY TALKING HEAD [The Annex]
(sitting at her desk)
I have sooo much work to do. Pam put me in charge of fashion, decoration, and coordination of the Kwanzaa half of the party. I mean, I totally volunteered, because of Darryl [beat] my boyfriend.
[smiles]
I can’t wait to take him to Diwali next year. He is going to look so good.
PAM TALKING HEAD [Conference Room]
Yes, Kelly is in charge of the Kwanzaa decorations. Well [beat] I mean she really wanted to be, uh, for Darryl, I guess. So we took a vote on it. It, uh, [beat] was not unanimous.
(looks at the ground)
ANGELA TALKING HEAD [Conference Room]
(angrily)
What is the point of democracy if stupid people can overrule you? [beat] My vote should not count the same as Kelly’s. I am Chairwoman of the Party Planning Committee and she is [beat] a slut.
(mockingly)
So I guess it’s no surprise Pam put her in charge.
CUT TO: EXT. Lowe’s Home Improvement Store
The camera shows, at a distance, JIM and DWIGHT walking in through the front doors, and then pans up to see the ‘Lowe’s’ sign.
CUT TO: INT. Lowe’s Home Improvement Store
Seen from inside the store, JIM and DWIGHT are in the front of the store, and walk slowly towards the camera. As they walk together, they talk.
DWIGHT
(turns to JIM)
How is this going to help with Angela?
JIM
Well, I was thinking…
DWIGHT
(interrupting excitedly)
We build a tree condo for her cats? That’s perfect.
JIM
(looks confusedly at DWIGHT)
No…
DWIGHT
(interrupting)
You’re right. [beat]
(excitedly)
We build a pyre to my love for her on her front lawn, in the shape of a cat, and then…
JIM
(interrupting)
No, we’re not [beat] no. Look, Dwight, if you want to win Angela back you’ve got to show that you care about her. That you, you know, support her.
DWIGHT
I can do that. She’s very petite.
JIM
(looks at camera)
That’s not [beat] exactly what I mean.
JIM TALKING HEAD [Aisle of Lowe’s Home Improvement Store]
Well, I brought Dwight here because I thought that maybe we could find some decorations for the party that Angela would like.
Camera cuts away from JIM and to quick cuts of their time together in the store.
-DWIGHT picking up a chainsaw (not on) and showing it to the camera, and smiling manically before he turns to JIM and runs after him, who runs away.
-JIM and DWIGHT sitting uncomfortably close together on a bench drinking sodas.
-DWIGHT with the same soda, pouring some of it on a carpet, and then kneeling down to examine the stain. JIM looks up at the camera and then backs away.
-DWIGHT with half his body in a commercial chest freezer and then standing back up and saying something to JIM, who looks wide-eyed in response and shakes his head.
JIM (voice over during quick cuts)
You know, um, because Pam was telling me that she wanted some Christian ones, and not like Santa, or whatever. But [beat] I think [beat] well, have you ever seen Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory? You know the part where they enter that room with the chocolate waterfall thing? Yeah…
(sigh)
it’s pretty much been like that.
The camera cuts back to JIM
JIM TALKING HEAD (cont.)
So…
There is a loud bang heard and the camera pans over to see DWIGHT hitting the metal shelving with a length of PVC pipe. It then zooms out slightly so that we can see JIM looking over as well. After another strike, DWIGHT looks over.
DWIGHT
(to the camera)
I need a new spud gun.
The camera pans back to JIM and zooms in.
JIM TALKING HEAD (cont.)
(looking away from DWIGHT and back to the camera)
Maybe we should have gone to Wal-Mart.
There is another bang heard, identical to the previous ones.
JIM smiles at the camera.
END OF ACT THREE
