They didn’t talk much anymore, but Pam couldn’t miss the fact that something had changed in Jim’s behaviour besides him perfecting his technique of avoiding her. She noticed that his cell rang often and that he shut himself in the break room to pick up. She also noticed that during those conversations, he paced around the room, unconsciously ruffling his hair. He didn’t seem to talk much, but he nodded often.
It worried her a lot.
***
Jan rang him a few times to arrange the details of his transfer, usually on his cell because she wasn’t in any hurry to let Michael find out and antagonize her. He was only too happy to comply. The second Michael was informed, Pam would know he’d rather run away to Connecticut than sit four steps away from the bride.
It meant a lot of trouble, really, escaping this mess he had gotten himself into. Touring Australia right before moving two states away meant a lot of logistical issues, but he was more than happy to be kept busy.
Once or twice, he caught Pam watching him intently as he walked back to his desk, and shrugged to answer her questioning look.
***
The next Monday, he came in a little early and she had a hard time making out his expression.
She found he was stared apprehensively at the entrance from behind his screen every time someone came in, looking a little relieved each time as he greeted the newcomer, until Michael walked thru the door. Jim tensed up, sitting a little more stiffly in his chair. And then, Pam knew.
Her throat felt oddly constricted all of a sudden.
***
Resigning to Michael did not go any better than he had anticipated. Jim had prepared for him to get angry or belligerent; a little emotional, maybe. He had not expected him to look so despondent. The word ‘betrayal’ was uttered. Twice.
Michael was fiercely dialling Jan’s number before Jim had time leave the room. He carefully shut the door behind him.
When he looked up, he noticed Pam watching him, eyes wide, looking like she’d just been slapped. Another guest bailing out on the wedding, maybe.
***
Angela was rather vehement about what she thought of organizing a leaving party on such short notice. She was so vocal about it that Michael gave in, putting Pam in charge.
When he told her, she laughed. She laughed for a long time, a bizarre, nervous laugh she couldn’t remember using before. But really, the idea of celebrating Jim’s departure was strangely hilarious. Michael had looked a little alarmed.
Pam did as she was asked, she always did. It kept her busy, and busy was good.
It was definitely better than watching Jim make a show of cleaning his desk, emptying drawer after drawer, distributing files, informing clients of his departure, or emotionally asking Dwight every half hour if he was sure he wouldn’t follow him to Stamford.
Pam took her time decorating the conference room. At the center of the neatly organized buffet, beside the grape soda pyramid, she lay down the large bowl of rainbow jello that had took her the whole evening to prepare, layer after layer, all the while wondering what it was about jello that made her want to cry her guts out. Or smash the bowl against the kitchen wall.
***
“Speech! Speech! Speech!” Michael cheered, followed by Kelly, Phyllis and Kevin. Pam limply clapped along.
“Look, Michael, I really don’t –”
“SPEECH! SPEECH! SPEECH!”
“Alright, alright, I, err, I just want to tell you that despite what the appearances may have suggested at times, I really enjoyed my time here. I’ve made friends here that I hope to remain close to for the rest of my life – come on, Dwight, don’t be shy. Give me a hug.”
As Dwight helplessly tried to fight Jim off him, Pam let her thoughts wander away. She really needed to not hear Jim’s goodbye speech. She tried to block it, but he was standing five feet away from her. There was no escaping his forcedly cheery voice.
She wanted to run away from this room. To curl up somewhere safe and quiet until that weird choking feeling eased away. But she just stood there, staring at her empty plastic cup.
***
“Ah, Jimmy boy,” Michael exclaimed. “I remember when you first got here. You were such an inexperienced little punk, and look at you! Look at you now. Stabbing me in the back to join those Stamford clowns.”
“Michael -”
“But hey, that’s life, Jim. No hard feelings. That’s the order of things. You’re all grown up now. And I think I speak for everybody in this room when I say that you will be missed.”
Suddenly, Pam had the unpleasant feeling that someone was staring at her, invading her. She glanced up; sure enough, the camera was zooming in on her face.
“Come here, come here,” Michael demanded, waving his arms, and engulfed Jim in an awkward hug. Jim uncomfortably tapped his shoulder.
As discreetly as she could, Pam side walked to the door to take refuge behind her counter. A minute later, a suspiciously bright-eyed Michael stormed away to lock himself in his own office.
***
Michael was still locked in his office when Pam put on her coat and headed out, leaving the camera crew stomping around his door, patiently waiting for him to give in and come out.
Jim had left a while before, stopping at her desk to say a formal goodbye. Her body felt heavy, so heavy she was surprised her legs would carry her to the elevator. Organizing parties was exhausting, she noted to herself.
As she walked to the parking lot, she caught Kelly’s unmistakable voice chatting away to Jim’s monosyllabic replies. Jim was grinning, nodding vigorously as Kelly kept babbling, and Pam felt her chest expand a little.
“You’re still here,” she said as she strolled to Jim’s Corolla.
“Yeah, I was just -” Jim gestured towards his car before turning back to Kelly.
Pam watched as they said goodbyes, her eyes rounding a little when Kelly gave Jim a tight hug, wishing him luck and a nice holiday.
After Kelly drove away, they stood silently by his car for a moment, each not trusting themselves to speak. Jim cleared his throat, his gaze eluding hers. After a moment, he shook his head, his eyes fixed on something over her shoulder, and moved to open the door.
“Jim, wait,” Pam pleaded, grabbing his arm.
He turned to face her again, his startled gaze jumping from her eyes to the hand on his arm.
There was no camera this time, no embarrassing witness to stop her from saying something meaningful and honest, something significant enough to earn her the genuine, childlike smile she’d missed so much these past two weeks. She felt she couldn’t let him go before he’d flashed that smile one last time.
“Well?” he asked quietly, looking at her expectantly.
***
“Come on. Give me a reason to not run away like a freaking idiot,” he begged with his eyes in the opaque silence.
***
Pam opened her mouth and quickly closed it again. She wanted to say that she would miss him, but it seemed inadequate and weak. She wanted to tell him about the gigantic gap she could already feel in her life where he used to be. She wanted him to know how miserable and lonely she had been since he had retreated to the background. But that would have been unfair to Roy. Or to Jim. Or to both.
“Fly safe,” she finally offered, wincing at how terrible it sounded, even to herself.
Pam watched Jim’s face close and his jaw clench and unclench. She took in his crestfallen stare, the same look he had given her when she told him she treasured their friendship.
“Thanks,” he replied coolly, looking away. “Look, I, err, I have some packing left to do, so…”
“Yes, of course. Sure. Okay,” she babbled desperately, wishing she could find the courage to say something that would ease the disappointment off his eyes. When it didn’t come, she did the next best thing.
Stepping on her toes, she slipped a hand behind his head and placed a quick, chaste kiss on his cheek.
Before she could step back, his hand was on her waist, pressing her against him a moment longer. It felt safe and warm and comforting, it filled her lungs with much needed fresh fair. His lips grazed the corner of her mouth and a second later, it was over.
“Bye, Jim,” she muttered.
In the empty parking lot, the sound of his car door slamming sounded abnormally loud. It rang heavily to her ears all the drive home. It was still echoing through her brain when she went to bed, making it hard to find sleep.
She woke up to the same sound piercing her ears, buzzing in her head as she arrived late for her overdue dress-fitting appointment, like a nagging little voice telling her she was making a mistake.
Pam took that as her cue she might not be ready to get married, after all.
Story Notes:
The Office characters do not belong to me.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Thanks to andsheloves for the beta.
