ACT ONE
INT. Main Office
All of the Accountants are working diligently and quietly on work, when suddenly their computer screens (we see OSCAR’s) turn black and an error message pops up. At the same time we hear a general rabble from the rest of the office. The camera swings around to see the reactions of the other office employees, who are experiencing the same problem on their own computers. This goes on for several seconds, until MICHAEL walks out from his office.
MICHAEL
Whoa! Hey, whoa, okay. Are all the computers cracking here too?
ANGELA
It’s crashing, and yes they are.
MICHAEL
(holds up hands defensively)
Alright, alright. Look, I’m sure there is a totally reasonable explanation for this.
As MICHAEL talks he walks slowly towards Reception. As he does, the camera zooms out to see PAM’s face turn to dread, as he gets closer.
MICHAEL (cont.)
(leans on Reception desk)
Pam probably…
PAM
(interrupting in a lowered voice)
No, Michael.
MICHAEL
(interrupting unfazed)
was looking up…
PAM
(even quieter)
Michael.
MICHAEL
(looks at camera confidently)
some pornography, and, uh, she broke the computer [beat] again. No big deal.
(smiles at camera and then to PAM)
PAM lowers her head, and her hair obstructs her face.
MICHAEL (cont.)
(turns to face the rest of the employees, and says slightly too loudly)
Look, everyone, pornography is cool, okay? I am [beat] down with it. Um,
(looks at camera)
as long as it is consensual [beat] and there are no animals…
(looks back to office)
just, you know, not on company time, because [beat] it crashes computers. So learn from Pam’s mistake, or well, mistakes.
Everyone in the office is now staring at Reception.
JIM
(standing up)
Michael, Pam wasn’t…
PAM
(interrupting)
No, Jim, I—
(stands up behind her desk, and fake smiles)
I was not doing that. At all. [beat] I don’t do that.
The camera pans over to see everyone in the office still staring at her, and then back to her standing quietly behind her desk. The camera zooms in slightly.
PAM TALKING HEAD [Conference Room]
One time! Okay. I was bored, and the little banner was flashing, and [beat] it [beat] wasn’t a big deal or anything. I’m not [beat] like a, you know, person like that.
(looks at camera resolutely)
KEVIN TALKING HEAD [Conference Room]
That is so hot. Pam watching porn [beat] at work.
(exhales dramatically)
PHYLLIS TALKING HEAD [Conference Room]
I don’t think Pam was really doing that. I mean, she works with Jim, so [beat]
(whispers to camera)
the oven is already pre-heated.
CUT BACK TO THE OFFICE
MICHAEL
(sincerely)
Okay, well, I am sorry, Pam.
(there is a pause where MICHAEL and PAM look at each other)
Um, so [beat] can you call the guy?
PAM
(sits back down)
What guy?
MICHAEL
You know, the….
(mimics with his hands adjusting a turban on his head)
guy.
PAM
(a little sharply)
The IT guy?
MICHAEL
Yes! Right. That guy.
PAM picks up the phone, while MICHAEL walks away, and towards JIM’s and DWIGHT’s desks.
ANDY
What are we supposed to do in the meantime?
MICHAEL
Oh, I’m sure IT is already on their way
(smiles and looks back over his shoulder at PAM)
PAM
(with her hand over the phone and to MICHAEL)
IT can’t get here until tomorrow.
MICHAEL
(scratches his head and grimaces)
That’s not…
STANLEY
(interrupting)
I can’t make any sales without my computer, Michael.
The rest of the Sales team, except DWIGHT, chimes in with similar reactions. The camera zooms in on a clearly overwhelmed and flustered MICHAEL.
MICHAEL TALKING HEAD [Michael's Office]
Technology is terrible. They always say ‘oh, digitize this, and microbot that’, yeah well, look where that’s got us.
(demonstrates where he is with his hands)
Locked in my office [beat] with the blinds closed.
CUT TO: INT. Main Office, PHYLLIS’ and ANDY’s Desk
PHYLLIS is sitting at her desk knitting, and looking over covertly at ANDY, who is tapping his fingers on his desk and fidgeting.
ANDY
(sarcastic chuckle)
I can’t believe this happened today.
PHYLLIS
(looks up from her knitting)
I know…
ANDY
(interrupting loudly)
I needed like two more sales. Two more! It [beat] isn’t fair. I—
(gets up from his desk, but then sits right back down. He looks at the camera)
ANDY TALKING HEAD [Conference Room]
Today is the last sales day before the end of the quarter, and I needed like two small sales to reach incentive. It’s a couple hundred dollar bonus. I wanted to take a Segway tour of Philadelphia with m’lady. But now?
(gives exasperated face to camera)
CUT TO: INT. Office Building Hallway
JIM, KEVIN, and OSCAR are standing in the hallway next to each other. JIM is holding an orange, and we come in mid-conversation.
OSCAR
I wish we could just go home, its not like we’re going to get any work done.
KEVIN
(staring at the orange intently)
Where did you get an orange?
JIM
(looks over at KEVIN quizzically)
The fruit machine?
KEVIN
We have a fruit machine?
JIM and OSCAR exchange looks. Then JIM notices the camera filming them.
JIM
(to camera)
Oh. [beat] Yeah, well, I know its only been like, twenty minutes since the computers crashed, but [beat]
(shrugs)
we got bored.
The camera zooms out and pans over to see that at the end of the hallway are ten highlighters, standing up in a triangle.
OSCAR
(to camera)
We’re calling it ‘Crashball’
JIM nods approvingly, while KEVIN continues to look covetously at the orange.
JIM
Alright, I’ll go first.
The camera cuts to a long shot down the hallway, where we see JIM bowl the orange towards the camera, and in the direction of the highlighters. It hits them, knocking all then over, and scattering them in all directions.
JIM (cont.)
Oh!
OSCAR and KEVIN both smile and high-five him.
JIM (cont.)
Smokey, mark it ten! Alright.
(smiles)
The camera cuts again as we watch KEVIN bowl the orange in an extremely professional manner towards the highlighters, from the same angle as before. Unfortunately, the orange misses the highlighters completely and hits the wall with some velocity, resulting in the orange squishing beyond repair. The camera remains on it, as it begins to leak juice everywhere. It then, swings back to the bowlers. JIM is looking at the camera, KEVIN is still on one knee from his bowling technique, and OSCAR is looking in the direction of the orange.
JIM
Ah [beat] we [beat] should probably go back inside.
OSCAR
Yeah we [beat] yeah.
Without another word, JIM, KEVIN, and OSCAR scamper out of frame.
CUT TO: INT. MICHAEL’s Office
MICHAEL is sitting at his desk. He presses a button on his phone, which turns on the speakerphone.
MICHAEL
Pam?
PAM
(over speakerphone)
Michael, the IT guy doesn’t hate you, and he still can’t come until tomorrow.
MICHAEL
No, I know, I, uh, need your [beat] well, can you get Angela and come in here?
PAM
Okay.
The camera cuts to PAM and ANGELA entering MICHAEL’s Office. They both sit down in seats directly in front of his desk.
MICHAEL
Ah, my ladies.
PAM
Oh no.
MICHAEL
I need, some, [beat] feminine help.
ANGELA
(tersely)
I am not explaining the difference between wings and no-wings to you again.
PAM looks with surprise over at ANGELA, who refuses to make eye-contact with her or the camera.
MICHAEL
Wha—No, Angela. This is [beat] different. Um, you guys are like the nicest two women in the office.
(smiles)
Once again, PAM looks with surprise over at ANGELA.
MICHAEL (cont.)
Who are also young [beat] ish, and not Kelly. and I need your help.
PAM
(reluctantly)
With what, Michael?
MICHAEL
Jan.
PAM nods her head as though she expected the answer, while ANGELA looks at MICHAEL with distain.
PAM
Michael, I really don’t think…
MICHAEL
(interrupting)
No, Pam. Just [beat] listen, okay? Please?
PAM sits back in her chair.
MICHAEL (cont.)
Thank you. Look, Jan, is [beat]
(said genuinely)
she moved here from New York, and she doesn’t know anyone [beat] and she just sits in the condo all day. I just, you two are my friends, and I want her to have friends too, you know?
(looks over resignedly at PAM and ANGELA, and then says with a lowered voice)
Also, um, Pam I am sorry again about jumping to conclusions with the porn.
PAM and ANGELA both visibly soften at MICHAEL’s words, though the former, more than the latter.
PAM
(softly)
Thank you, Michael. Um, but what do you want us to do?
MICHAEL
Well, I was thinking that since with the computers down, nobody can work anyway, you three could go out to lunch, maybe dollar menu it up? And, then, you know, go shopping this afternoon? [beat] but, not, um, spend money.
ANGELA
Not spend money?
MICHAEL
Yeah, you know, what is that thing women do? Where they shop but don’t buy anything? Uh…
PAM
(interrupting)
Window shop?
MICHAEL
(thoughtfully)
No, we’ve already got windows for the condo.
PAM
No, I mean, I think that’s what you call it, when you don’t spend money.
MICHAEL
Oh. Okay, yeah, so do you think you two could do that? She’s
(looks over at clock which reads 12:12)
probably getting up in a half an hour or so. I can call her.
PAM
Well….
ANGELA
(interrupting bluntly)
I want compensation.
PAM and MICHAEL both look over at her, but her gaze remains on MICHAEL.
MICHAEL
I don’t [beat] have…
ANGELA
If I am going to leave the office during a workday, in a non-Party Planning Committee function, I want to be compensated.
MICHAEL
(confusedly)
Okay. Um, alright…
(leans back in his chair and turns his head slightly and begins mumbling indistinctly)
ANGELA
(sternly)
Sit up and talk like a man.
MICHAEL
(stops his negotiation tactic, sits up and hunches over his desk)
Wha-What do you want?
ANGELA
Pam and I…
(PAM looks at camera helplessly)
want two days paid vacation
MICHAEL
(interrupting excitedly)
Done!
ANGELA
(interrupting forcefully)
And, we want you to ban ‘that’s what she said’ for two weeks.
The camera zooms in on MICHAEL’s face, which registers complete shock at ANGELA’s words.
MICHAEL
(worriedly)
Um, can’t we ban something else? Like magic, or [beat] anything else?
ANGELA
(crosses arms)
No.
MICHAEL
What if we reduced it to once a day?
ANGELA continues to make eye contact with MICHAEL. This goes on for several seconds, until he crumbles and looks away.
MICHAEL (cont.)
Fine, two weeks.
ANGELA
Then we’re done here.
ANGELA gets up from her chair and exits the office. PAM gets up behind her, and looks over at MICHAEL apologetically with her hand on the door.
PAM
Open or closed?
MICHAEL
(despondently)
I, uh, it doesn’t matter.
PAM looks at the camera sadly.
CUT TO: INT. Break Room
It is lunchtime, and everyone with the exception of MICHAEL, DWIGHT, ANGELA, and PAM are all eating. There is indistinct chatter, until the camera focuses on the table with JIM, OSCAR, and KEVIN.
KEVIN
We gotta think of more games with fruit.
OSCAR and JIM both nod absent-mindedly. JIM then stares at the table and looks like he’s thinking.
JIM
Oh, I forgot my carrots.
(gets up from table)
CUT TO: INT. Main Office
The camera follows JIM from behind as he walks out into the Main Office, and towards his desk. As he walks past DWIGHT’s desk, where DWIGHT is sitting, they exchange words.
JIM
Dwight.
DWIGHT
Jim.
The camera continues to follow JIM as he walks to the coat rack where his bag is. As he reaches inside of it for his carrots, a ‘dinging’ sound is heard from DWIGHT’s desk. The camera and JIM both turn to face it.
JIM
What was that?
DWIGHT
(looking up from his computer)
What was what?
JIM
That noise, just now, what was that?
DWIGHT
(said very slowly and stiltedly)
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
The camera shows JIM standing near the coat rack for a second, before he begins to walk towards DWIGHT.
JIM
(curiously)
Why are you sitting at your desk?
DWIGHT
I [beat] sometimes eat lunch at my desk.
(accusingly)
I’m not a slacker like you are, Jim.
JIM
(brushes off comment)
Yeah [beat] but your computer isn’t working [beat] so what could you be doing?
DWIGHT
Filing [beat] things, for purposes.
There is another ‘dinging’ noise heard again. This time, unmistakably from DWIGHT’s computer. The camera catches DWIGHT looking at it, and then slowly shifting his gaze to JIM, who is now standing next to him.
JIM
You’re [beat]
(reaches down and hits the keyboard)
From a camera zoom near the middle of the room, we see the Dunder-Mifflin desktop background come up on DWIGHT’s computer.
JIM (cont.)
(shocked)
Your computer isn’t crashed!
DWIGHT
(menacingly)
Fine! Now you know my secret.
JIM
But [beat] how did you…?
DWIGHT
(interrupting)
I built a labyrinth of firewalls, and redundant security measures into my computer. It is completely immune to viruses [beat] just like me.
(looks up at JIM)
Don’t tell anyone. I’m trying to get double-incentive for the quarter. I just need one more sale.
JIM
(nods and exhales)
Yeah, no, I understand, I uh, won’t tell anyone.
DWIGHT
(nods as well)
Good, Jim. Good.
CUT TO: INT. Break Room
The camera is already on the door, as JIM enters.
JIM
(to everyone)
Hey, Dwight’s computer is working everybody.
JIM moves aside at the door, as ANDY runs past him, and STANLEY and PHYLLIS walk by. He smiles at the camera.
END OF ACT ONE
