ACT TWO

INT. ANGELA’s Car (moving)

ANGELA is driving herself and PAM, who is in the passenger seat. Neither one is talking, and consequently there is an awkward silence. The situation stays the same for several seconds, during which PAM steals a nervous glance over at ANGELA, who remains completely focused on the road the entire time.

PAM

(awkwardly friendly)

Um, so, what are you going to do with your extra vacation days?

ANGELA

(without looking over)

I haven’t completely decided yet.

PAM

Oh. Well, we did just get…

ANGELA

(interrupting)

I want to go to Colonial Williamsburg but Andy wants to go to some amusement park in Ohio.

PAM

(nods her head)

Cedar Point?

ANGELA

(flatly)

I don’t know. I’m not eleven.

There is another silence of several seconds. ANGELA rolls her eyes discreetly, and begins to talk.

ANGELA

What are you and Jim going to do?

PAM

I dunno. He told me he wants…

(begins to smile to herself a little)

to go to Amish country, because of [beat] uh…

(looks over at ANGELA with the realization of what she just said, and then continues softly)

or, um, Philadelphia, maybe.

ANGELA

Philadelphia sounds perfect for you.

There is another silence.

MICHAEL is sitting at his desk, with his feet propped up on it. He is leaning back in his chair, with his hands behind his head. We come in mid-conversation, and it is clear that he has been talking for some time.

MICHAEL

Seventh grade sucked, you know? For Halloween that year I wanted to go as that computer HAL 2001.

(looks at camera and impersonates ‘HAL 9000’ voice from 2001: A Space Odyssey)

Trick or Treat, give me something good to eat

(smiles and returns to normal voice)

I know, amazing. But, Jeff said nobody would get it. So you know what I ended up being? A piece of candy corn! It was so [beat] stupid Jeff. And, also!...

Suddenly there are raised voices heard outside of MICHAEL’s office. He stops talking and sits up. The voices get louder, and he gets up from his desk, and begins walking towards the door to investigate. Just before he opens the door, he turns to the camera.

MICHAEL (cont.)

Must be that time of the month.

JIM is sitting at his desk, and looking at the scene before him. DWIGHT is sitting at his desk, but is surrounded by PHYLLIS, STANLEY, and ANDY who are all talking at once and standing uncomfortably close to him. MICHAEL opens the door to his office, and as he walks towards the scene, he talks.

MICHAEL

Hey, what, uh, what is going on?

(comes to stand next to JIM)

ANDY

(looking over at MICHAEL)

Dwight’s computer is working, and I really need to use it.

(makes an accompanying hand gesture to demonstrate his barely suppressed rage)

STANLEY

(tiredly)

Michael, just tell Dwight to share the computer so we can all make our calls.

DWIGHT

(turning to look at STANLEY)

He wouldn’t do that. I’m the best salesman in the company, Stanley. [beat] This isn’t Communist Cuba.

(looks at MICHAEL for affirmation)

MICHAEL

(considers DWIGHT’s words)

That’s true, this is a ‘demo-krat-ah-see-a’.

(very tentatively)

Though, Dwight, maybe it would be best if you….

JIM

(interrupting)

Let everyone use the computer?

MICHAEL

(contemplatively)

Well, no….

JIM

(frowns, and then in mock-thoughtfulness)

Wore makeup?

MICHAEL

(looks over at JIM disdainfully)

What? No, God [beat] is it Gay Pride Month already?

(chuckles and looks at camera, then to everyone else. They are not laughing.)

Because I hope so. Gonna get one of those rainbow flags, put it on the Cruiser. Uh [beat] wait, what we were talking about?

PHYLLIS

Michael, it’s the last day of the quarter, and we all need a computer to make sales calls.

MICHAEL

Right. Oh! Wait, I know what to do.

MICHAEL quickly turns and runs back into his office. The camera then focuses on JIM.

JIM

(looks at the camera and asks with a fake seriousness under his breath)

Train whistle?

MICHAEL runs back with a thick volume under his arm. He then holds it up to the camera. The camera zooms in quickly to see that it is ‘The Mediator’s Tool Chest’ previously used during ‘Conflict Resolution’.

MICHAEL

(shows it to everyone)

Right? This thing is like [beat] the Donald Trump of mediation books. So, Dwight because this is America….

(looks at camera and says seriously)

the greatest country on Earth.

(looks to DWIGHT)

We will negotiate for the use of your computer.

DWIGHT

(contemplates the idea)

Fine. But I refuse to deal with Jim.

JIM

(Puts his hands up questioningly)

What? Why?

DWIGHT

(intensely)

I don’t negotiate with terrorists.

JIM

(smirks questioningly)

I’m not a terrorist, Dwight.

DWIGHT

Really, Jim? Then why were my car keys encased in Jello last week?

JIM

Hmmm. They tripped and fell in?

DWIGHT

(crosses his arms)

No. I refuse to deal with him. You may pick a representative among the rest of you and I will meet you in the Conference Room in five minutes.

(gets up from his desk quickly, pushing his chair into ANDY)

I’m going to go prepare.

The camera pans from the parking lot over to the restaurant’s sign to establish the location.

ANGELA and PAM are standing next to each other, waiting to be seated.

ANGELA

(agitatedly)

Why did we have to come here?

PAM

(looks at ANGELA with a little annoyance, as it is clear this isn’t the first time she’s said it)

Because, we needed to go someplace cheap, and [beat] did you want to go to McDonalds?

ANGELA

(makes disgusted face)

Fine.

Behind them, we see the door to the restaurant open, and JAN walk in. She looks much the same as she did in ‘Dunder-Mifflin Infinity’ (casual clothing, and minimal makeup). JAN immediately sees the camera, and frowns, but walks up directly behind ANGELA and PAM.

JAN

Uh, hey.

PAM and ANGELA both jump a little, but turn around. PAM is smiling, ANGELA is not.

PAM

Hey, Jan. How are you?

JAN

Uh, good [beat] good. I see the cameras are here.

(looks again at camera)

PAM

Oh, yeah. They, uh, yeah. Sorry.

JAN

(quickly)

No, no, it’s fine.

(turns to ANGELA)

Hi, Angela.

ANGELA

Hello, Jan. It’s [beat] nice to see you again.

JAN

(smiles)

It’s nice to see you too.

The three women stand in awkward silence, alternating looks to one another and the camera for several seconds.

HOSTESS

(off-camera)

Martin, party of three?

JAN and PAM

(simultaneously)

Here.

The camera cuts to ANGELA, JAN, and PAM sitting at a table in the restaurant. ANGELA already has a plate of noodles and vegetables in front of her.

JAN

(said slightly wide-eyed and deliberately)

Uh, so [beat] Pam, do you want to go to the buffet?

PAM

(confused)

Um, sure.

The two women get up from the table, without any objection from ANGELA, and begin to walk to the buffet. As they do, the camera stays with them. As they walk to and navigate the buffet, they talk.

JAN

(under her breath)

Wow. I see what Michael meant now.

PAM

(still confused)

Oh?

JAN

I mean, I don’t know her that well, but I remember enough to know she’s usually not that bad [beat] she seems to be taking the breakup hard.

PAM

(stops putting food on her plate)

Angela?

JAN

(nods)

When Michael called me and told me about it, and you know, wanted me to

(nods and gestures with her free hand around the restaurant)

I said no at first, but apparently

(looks at camera then to PAM, and says softly)

she’s been crying at work? All the time? [beat] I just felt bad.

PAM

(said slowly)

Yeah….

JAN

Well, anyway

(shrugs)

she probably just needs a day out, maybe a little shopping [beat] some friends.

(smiles)

JAN walks away back to the table, leaving PAM alone at the buffet. The camera zooms in on her confused expression.

PAM TALKING HEAD [Great Wall Chinese Restaurant Buffet]

(still holding her buffet plate)

I [beat] don’t know what’s going on. I mean, I guess Dwight must have told Michael about him and Angela breaking up? And [beat] then he somehow outsmarted both of us?…

(looks down in thought for a second, and then back to the camera)

No, it’s gotta be [beat] something else.

(looks down in thought, again)

CUT TO: INT. Main Office

The camera is trained on the Conference Room. The song “Seek & Destroy” by Metallica can be heard loudly coming from the room. Meanwhile, through the window and blinds, we can see DWIGHT bobbing to the music while writing on a legal pad. The camera then cuts to show PHYLLIS, DWIGHT, and JIM’s desks.

PHYLLIS

(looking over at the Conference Room)

He’s an ass.

The camera pans over to see JIM nod in agreement at her comment, and ANDY at DWIGHT’s desk.

ANDY

Dammit! It’s password protected. Tuna, do you know it?

JIM

His password?

ANDY

Yes his password. This is life or death, alright?

JIM

Really?

ANDY

Yes. Okay, because, Angela has extra vacation days, and I want to be able to afford someplace nice when we go away [beat] like one of those rooms with the little bottles of champagne.

JIM

(frowns)

I don’t think she drinks, Andy.

ANDY

(stares at JIM intensely)

Well, she has to loosen up somehow.

Just as JIM is about to respond, we hear the music stop, and the Conference Room door open. The camera pans over to DWIGHT standing in the doorway, arms crossed.

DWIGHT

Let’s go.

He then turns around, and walks back in to the Conference Room without another word. At the same time, MICHAEL’s door opens, and he walks out.

MICHAEL

The music stopped, is freakazoid ready?

JIM

Yeah.

(looks over at PHYLLIS)

Ready?

PHYLLIS

I think so.

CUT TO: INT. Conference Room

DWIGHT is sitting on the right side of the table, with his back to the wall. He has a legal pad in front of him. MICHAEL enters first, with his ‘Mediator’s Tool Chest’ under his arm. He places it on the table, and sits down at the head of it. Next is PHYLLIS, who comes in with nothing, and quietly takes a seat opposite DWIGHT, with her back to the window that looks out into the Main Office. After a pause of two to three seconds, where we see DWIGHT looking at PHYLLIS and then smiling at the camera, JIM walks in, carrying a legal pad as well.

DWIGHT

(stands up)

No! I said no Jim. I will not negotiate with him.

JIM

Whoa, Dwight. I’m not our negotiating representative.

(walks past PHYLLIS, and nods towards her)

Phyllis is.

DWIGHT

(sits back down)

Oh, really? Then what are you doing here?

JIM says nothing but takes his seat next to PHYLLIS, and looks at her, she looks back at him, and then to DWIGHT, who has trained his vision upon her.

PHYLLIS

Jim is my Assistant Negotiator.

DWIGHT

That’s stil-

JIM

(interrupting, with his hand raised)

Assistant to the Negotiator. So [beat] I’m not a negotiator, and I have no power. You know, unlike if I was the Assistant Negotiator.

(smiles at DWIGHT)

There is a second or two silence in which DWIGHT stares furiously at both PHYLLIS and JIM.

MICHAEL

(happily)

Alright! Let’s get started

(flips open book)

So there are different kinds of resolution, I think

(flips through it while talking)

five, or, uh, yeah. If I can just find the page…

DWIGHT

Michael, with your permission, I would like to read an opening statement.

(looks over at MICHAEL)

MICHAEL

Um, I’m not sure, if that’s part of the thing. Wait. Phyllis do you have one of those too?

PHYLLIS

(looks over at JIM)

Um, my assistant to me does?

JIM nods to PHYLLIS.

MICHAEL

Okay, separate but equal.

(looks at camera)

Good [beat] because it’s fair.

(looks at DWIGHT)

Yeah, go.

DWIGHT

(stand up with legal pad in hand)

I, Dwight K. Schrute, am the best salesman at Dunder-Mifflin. My sales are much larger than anyone else’s in the office.

MICHAEL

(interrupting)

That’s wha-- [beat]

(looks at camera)

dammit.

(lowers his head)

Continue.

DWIGHT

According to last year’s sales numbers, I am worth at least three Jim Halperts, and two Phyllis Vances.

MICHAEL

(interrupting and said confusedly)

Wait. Jim had better sales numbers than Phyllis does.

DWIGHT

I know. But, Phyllis is twice as big as Jim [beat] physically.

The camera shifts over to the PHYLLIS and JIM side of the table. We can see that PHYLLIS is embarrassed by what DWIGHT has said, and is looking solemnly at the table, while JIM is looking very annoyed at the camera, and then to DWIGHT. He stands up, with his legal pad.

JIM

Okay, my turn.

DWIGHT

No, Jim, I have

(shows page of writing on legal pad to camera)

seven paragraphs to go.

JIM

Yeah, no, I think [beat] we’re good.

DWIGHT

(turns to MICHAEL)

Michael, I—

MICHAEL

Okay, okay. Dwight, you had your chance to speak, now let Jim.

DWIGHT sits down, and crosses his arms.

JIM

(turns to MICHAEL)

Thank you, Michael.

MICHAEL

(smiles genuinely)

You’re welcome, Jim.

JIM

(stands up without legal pad, and begins to wander the room as he talks dramatically)

It is true, that Dwight K. Schrute is, mathematically, the top salesman in the office. But then, we must ask ourselves the question,

(looks at camera)

how is that possible?

As JIM turns and continues around the room, the camera shows a completely engaged MICHAEL following JIM’s every move, and an increasingly uncomfortable DWIGHT. It then zooms in slightly on JIM.

JIM TALKING HEAD [Break Room]

Uh, yeah, when I was in Stamford, I had [beat] some time on my hands. So I watched a lot of Law and Order. [beat] Like, a lot. [beat] It’s on all the time.

CUT BACK TO OFFICE

JIM (cont.)

(still walking around the room, but moving closer to DWIGHT)

In addition to stealing the Staples leads, and using them, Andy…

(the camera swings over to see ANDY standing very close to the Conference Room window in the Main Office, with his arms crossed, before it goes back to JIM)

will testify that Dwight K. Schrute, the alleged top salesman, did, in fact, attempt to blackmail him for access to his client list!

(pounds fist on table next to DWIGHT, who jumps at the same time)

DWIGHT

That is a lie!

JIM

Which part?

DWIGHT

Both parts!

JIM

(in mock-seriousness)

So, you didn’t steal Staples’ leads and use them?

DWIGHT

(looks shocked)

I-it [beat] wasn’t [beat] I don’t have to listen to this, I’m going back to my desk!

DWIGHT gets up, grabbing his legal pad, and strides purposefully out of the room.

MICHAEL

Dwight!

DWIGHT closes the door behind him with a loud slam.

MICHAEL (cont.)

(looks at camera glumly, but then quickly changes to excitement)

I wonder if…

(begins looking through book, again)

there is a lose-lose-win one of these.

(looks back up at camera).

END OF ACT TWO