I remember watching Jake slowly pacing his way towards us. The way he took each step carefully, the motion of his arms swinging, the wind blowing through his hair; all reminded me of Jim. Jake was an exact copy of his father, even if he didn’t like admitting it. It nearly brought tears to my eyes seeing him coming out to console us.
“Hey, can I come out here?” he asked quietly. Addison looked up shyly as she wiped her nose and cheeks with the back of her hand.
“Yeah,” she agreed.
Jake leisurely found his way onto my lap as I sat in the swing. I wrapped one arm around him, drawing him as close to my chest as I could.
“I didn’t want to be in there anymore,” Jake said quietly. “It’s…weird.”
I turned my head towards my son in my arms and looked him in the eyes. “What are you feeling right now?” I asked him, concerned. Addison shifted uncomfortably at the question.
He shrugged his shoulders and bowed his head low. For some reason I knew it would take some time before he would fully be able to express what he was feeling. I knew it would take a while for him to even understand the weight of the situation.
Just as a breeze swept passed us, we all looked up at the sound of the back door opening again. Jonathan’s head peeked out before he opened the door all the way. He exited the house slowly and stopped at the end of the patio to speak.
“Pam, I just wanted to let you know that we’ve had a few calls from some of your friends and someone down at the police station. They said something about Jim’s car still being at the park. Do you want me to go get it?” he asked.
Listening to his announcement wasn’t painful at all. It was a simple statement of truth and information. It was the afterthought that gripped my heart.
People were calling me. And, Jim’s abandoned car was still sitting where he left it.
I nodded slowly and squeezed a little tighter to Jake. “I’ll go with you,” I answered, knowing that going to retrieve Jim’s car would be the first step at accepting his death.
The car ride to the park was quiet. Granted, it was only a five minute drive but it was a long five minutes. I could tell Jonathan was trying to remain strong too, but it was wearing him down. His face was worn and tired, his hair in disarray, his eyes swollen with large dark circles under them and just a twinge of pain written on his expression. And still, he kept calm and a cool head.
As we rounded the large curve, I internally cringed at the sight of the car. I even noticed Jonathan’s gaze stayed strictly on the road instead of the sight before us. Jonathan pulled up next to it and parked.
“You got the keys?” he asked as I peered out the window.
I nodded and placed my hand on the door handle. Before I tugged on it, Jonathan placed a hand on my wrist and I turned quickly to look him in the eye.
“Are you gonna be alright?” he asked, his face growing pale.
I nodded again, then acknowledged his fingers wrapped around my wrist. His grasp loosened when I asked him the same. “Are you okay?”
He gave a simple nod and a grin, letting me know that he was doing the best he could do. I gave the handle a tug before stepping out of his vehicle. He called out behind me before I shut the door.
“How long will you be?” he asked.
I swallowed. “Not sure.”
His eyes darted away from my expression. “Do you want me to drive it home?”
I thought for a moment. It took me awhile to understand why I was feeling afraid and uncomfortable with driving our vehicle home. But, I shook my head and shut the door. Jonathan pulled out slowly as I stood next to the lonely car in the parking lot.
I watched as his car disappear down the street. It felt like I stood next to the car for an hour, trying to muster the courage to touch the door handle. I hit the button on the key chain to unlock it and forced myself to jump into the driver’s seat like it was pouring a torrential rain. If I hadn’t forced myself to, I would have been standing out there even longer.
When I slammed the door shut, I felt new emotions and feelings creep up; ones that I didn’t even know existed. Tears threatened to fall from my lashes again and I grasped to the steering wheel and inhaled the aroma in the car. It was him. It was his scent, his cologne and the dryer sheets that he adored. I didn’t even smell the air freshener that I put on the rear view mirror every month. All I could feel and smell was everything he was. It broke my heart all over again.
When I returned to the house, it had been nearly forty-five minutes. I had sat in the car for a while, taking in all that I could of Jim and decided that I wasn’t ready to move the car from its place. So, I got out, locked it back up and walked the way back home.
It was a peaceful walk. A very lonely walk, but very calming and peaceful. The sun was setting as I trudged down my street to my house and noticed the extra car in the driveway. When I got close to the door I saw someone standing on my porch, getting ready to knock. As I got closer, I knew who it was. It had been a long time since I had seen him and when he turned to see who was coming up the steps behind him, his face bore the same expression as mine.
I stopped on the steps and smiled wide, not knowing how to greet someone at a time like this. When I saw his face, memories of my days at Dunder Mifflin flooded over me. Then, I thought about how he must have heard the news.
“Pam….” he said, looking me square in the eye as he juggled the items in his hands.
“Michael…” I responded. “How…are you?” I asked, surveying the basket of food he held.
“Fine. Oh, I brought you this…It‘s got lots of goodies that I know you‘ll love” he said, offering the basket to me. I took it and thanked him silently with a gentle nod.
In that moment, I knew that Michael and I understood each other better than anyone else that was in the house. I sat the basket down on the porch swing and took a step forward to wrap my arms around him. And, for an instant, I relived some of the most memorable days of my life all over again.
