My heartbeat was the only thing I could hear. The gentleman’s mouth was moving and he was talking to me, but I didn’t hear anything. All my senses had stopped working and I was left there on the couch in a heap of numb flesh.

Even though the sound of my blood pulsating in my veins was the most soothing sound at that moment in time, I loathed it. I didn’t want to hear it. It was the only thing that was keeping me going, and yet, it was the very thing that Jim lacked. If he didn’t have a heartbeat, I didn’t want one either.

The officer stood and knelt near me. I didn’t even feel the weight of his palm on my knee until I looked down. He was still speaking to me and I had a hard time trying to follow. I could see the sadness on his face but all I could think about was his hand on my knee. Had it been one of the hands that tried to save my husband’s lifeless body?

Finally, Tucker’s bark pierced through my haze. I stood quickly, trying to make my way to the back door to soothe him. My legs gave out and the gentleman offered his hand as I caught myself on the bookshelf. When I refused his hand, I stood upright on my own and focused on the back door again.

With my breathing labored, I finally managed to stumble to the glass door and push past it, gasping for fresh air. I nearly collapsed as Tucker jumped towards me. The officer again caught me as I finally gave in and let my mind slip into blackness.

The next few minutes were hard for me to remember. The officer said I blacked out and when I woke again, he said I began to ramble; not cry. No tears of mine were shed that day. I don’t remember those moments and hope to never fully regain that information. It was too painful then and I fear it would still bare the weight of that pain even today.

Everything from that moment on was a blur. But over the years, I’ve learned about what happened in those earth shattering moments. Family have told me. Friends that heard stories even told me things I didn’t know. So, I’ve come to learn what I was like in the worst time of my life.

The first thing I did was compose myself. The officer left my home when he saw that I was okay. He advised me to call family or friends to lean upon and then make a trip up to the hospital where his body was. I didn’t want to do either of those things.

It got to a point in the day when I was tired of the silence and had to do something. I turned on the radio in the living room and it blared one of his CD’s that he always enjoyed listening to. In the state that I was in, I didn’t like the music or the thought of it still in the CD player. So, I threw a lamp at it.

It stopped.

I knew I was unstable. I had to call someone to help me take the weight of pain away. His mother was the first I had to break the news to. I picked up the phone and dialed, dreading her voice on the other end. Why couldn’t I just leave a simple voicemail?

She picked up on the fourth ring. She sounded excited to hear from me. I hated what I had to do but I did it. I said what I needed to say quickly.

“Helen, Jim died. I need you to meet me at the St. John’s hospital in an hour.”

Then, I hung up.

I do remember heading towards my car with my keys clenched in my hands. As I moved slowly and cautiously I heard the phone ringing in the house. I didn’t go back in, but I continued towards the sedan that we had bought three years after we married. I probably shouldn’t have been driving at that time, but had other stops to make before going to the hospital. I had to break the news to two other people and I had no idea how to do such a thing.

I pulled up to the brick building and paced myself before finding the large blue doors. I knew I didn’t look sane at that moment and was probably scary to some. Honestly, I was running on pure shock and only had so much time before I gave up. I had to get this over with quickly, just like I did with his mother.

The receptionist took my name and I waited in the small office. It was one of the longest waits I’ve ever had to endure. Sitting there, with people that didn’t know me, looking on as my pale face grew paler. I wanted to run out, but had to stay and wait. I had people that needed to know of his death. They were important too.

“Mrs. Halpert?” said a redhead woman from behind the counter. I looked over, not saying anything.

“I believe Addison and Jake are waiting outside the door there,” she said, pointing past the glass window.

When I saw them, I immediately turned my head away from their vicinity and nodded at the kind lady. I then stood slowly, like I was in physical pain, and held tight to my purse. As I pushed past the office door, I had two sets of eyes on me, with worry written upon their faces.