I couldn’t look at them. Their faces were contorted in ways I’d never seen before when I told them of the bad news. Tears poured from their eyes and yet mine where still dry as a bone, not releasing the pain I was feeling.

I felt Addison grab hold to my coat and hang on tight. I couldn’t even bring my arms up to comfort her fairly tall frame. I was ashamed with my behavior but didn’t know how to handle death. I never had to bury anyone before.

The phone in my purse rang and I ignored it. The sound of Jake’s cries as he leaned against the wall penetrated my mind. I walked over to him and placed my hand on his shoulder, pulling him towards the exit, ready to take the journey to the hospital. Addison wiped her eyes and followed, grabbing Jake’s other shoulder to comfort him.

The ride was silent except for the sniffles from the back seat. Addison had Jake’s head resting in her lap as she stroked his light brown locks.

When we pulled into the parking lot, I spotted Helen’s Lincoln parked close to the front door. I cringed inside knowing I had to face his mother and be there with her we as mourned. I unbuckled my seatbelt slowly and stared at my shaking hands as I opened my door.

Addison was standing on the other side of the car, Jake’s hand in hers, his head hung low as he hiccupped from crying.

“Mom?” she asked, her voice almost cooing. I looked up quickly at my 14 year old daughter and back down quickly to the keys in my hands.

“Yeah?” I replied back, breathlessly.

“Do we have to go in?” she asked, her face flushed and stained with her own tears.

“Not if you don’t want to,” I answered back, trying to avoid staring at them. It was too painful to see their faces. They resembled him too much.

“I want to go…” Jake said, his head shooting upward. Addison shot him a look of shock. After all, she was the older sibling. She was supposed to be the one to be strong one and lead her little brother in the right direction. Tears began to pour from her eyes again as she nodded at him and took her first step towards the hospital doors.

I was two steps behind them as the doors slid open to reveal people waiting in chairs. Helen was the first to spot us. She jumped from her seat and held her arms open so Jake and Addison could find solace there. They did, leaving me to stand alone.

I could feel something in the pit of my stomach start to crack and break. I didn’t want it to happen in the middle of the hospital waiting room. I wanted to surpass the broken phase and go straight to the healing part. Regardless of the feeling, it subsided as I saw the officer from earlier enter the room with a doctor.

I locked eyes with the doctor and he was the first to break the contact. It was like it was harder for him to tell me what went wrong than for me to hear it. He walked towards us and greeted us the best way he could.

“Mrs. Halpert, I’ve been waiting for you,” he said, slipping a clip board under his arm. Addison and Jake sobbed again, waking the feeling in the pit of my stomach again. I started to feel the tears form on my eyelids but when the doctor spoke, all feelings was lost.

“Would you mind coming back with me? I’ve got a few things we need to go over this afternoon.”

I nodded and turned to Helen, who insisted they all wait in the waiting room. Yet again, I was left alone.

As I sat on a rolling stool in the middle of an exam room, I felt chill bumps crawl up my spine. Was he behind that curtain? Did his body lie here a few moments ago while they declared him dead? I couldn’t hack the feeling that he had been in the very spot before.

“Ma’am, I’m sorry for your loss,” the doctor said, taking a seat on another stool next to me.

I choked out a few unintelligible words. “What happened?”

He stopped and then looked up at the officer standing behind him. The officer that had visited me spoke next, telling me the story of how Jim had passed away.

“Mrs. Halpert…”

“Pam,” I corrected. I hated that they were using my last name. Why did they have to rub it in?

“Pam…Today at approximately 9:06 a.m. I came upon the jogging trail in Lowery Park. A few minutes later, I discovered your husband lying on the trail, face down.”

I began to feel faint but kept my head up, trying to take in as much information as I could.

“I discovered he had had a heart attack while jogging and just….just…” the office tried to finish. I knew he couldn’t finish the story, so I helped him.

“Died?”

The officer nodded, obviously moved and upset. “I tried resuscitation but he was already gone, Ma’am. There was no one around for miles. No one would have heard him if he had time to call out.”

I nodded, breathing deeply.

The doctor spoke next, confirming what the officer had said. “When Mr. Halpert arrived here by ambulance, the paramedics had already called time of death. We did an examination and confirmed that it was indeed a heart attack. I didn’t see any signs of any other type of organ failure. So, we know that he went….quickly.”

I stared into their eyes for a few more moments as I thought of Jim jogging down a path in the park four blocks from our home. I concocted my own story of what happened and tried to forget those images.

“Were you aware he jogged on that path at that time of day?” the officer asked.

I nodded. “He always went to work for a few hours, then jogged when he had free time, then went back into work. Some days he didn’t have time.”

Then, a young nurse came in, ranting about an emergency with one of the doctors patients. The doctor stood abruptly, then walked to the door.

“I think we’re all done here. The nurse at the front desk as some papers for you and if you’d like, you can request to go back and see him. And, if you know the name of the funeral home you’d like to use, please let the nurse know,” she doctor said, stepping out of the room.

The officer stood there with his hands in his pockets. “I’m so sorry for your loss.”

All I could do was look at him. When I finally pulled my eyes away from him, I stood and reached for the door handle. The chill bumps were gone by then, so I made no scene of waiting in the room any longer.

I remember walking down the stark hallway towards my children and the other family that had gathered there. Their faces were sullen and worn, and I had no way of explaining the situation to them. So, my first stop wasn’t to them, it was to the nurses desk where she had a folder of documents for me to look at. I opened the folder as she told me what needed to be signed and filled out.

When I had flipped to the last page, she posed the question that I didn’t want to hear. “Would you like to go back and see him before he‘s taken to the funeral home?”

“No.”

“Does anyone else in the family want to?”

“No.”

“Are you sure?” she asked, leaning away from me slightly.

“No.”

“Would you like me to ask them?”

“Yes, please,” I managed.

I signed the last form as I saw the nurse escort Helen, Jim’s brother Jonathan, and Jim’s father Kent, and Jake towards the swinging doors. Addison stayed behind, a look of confusion plaguing her features. Before I could manage to speak to her, she had taken off towards the swinging doors. I was left there, standing at the nurses station alone.

The nurse returned, ready to take the folder of papers from me. When she did, I didn’t know what to do. So, I told her to relay the message to Helen and Kent that I was going home and they could bring the kids home when they were ready to.

From the hospital, I drove the long drive home, parked the car, walked into the house and found our bed. I didn’t intend ever leaving that spot again.