“Mom, we’re going to bed. Grandma and Grandpa are staying in the spare bedroom, and Uncle Jon and Claire are sleeping in Addison’s room. I think Larissa is staying on the couch….just thought you should know….,” Jake said as he stood outside my door and spoke through the crack in the door.

He waited for a response but I didn’t give in. He closed the gap between the door and the jamb and I heard his feet shuffle to his room, where him and Addison were sleeping for the night.

I had a house full of people-not just people-family-and I hadn’t even made an appearance. I knew at one point they would all be knocking at the door and pulling me from my haven. I dreaded it, and hoped it could wait for at least a few more days. ‘Days’ sounded like a decent recoup time

I saw a flash of lights under the door and then the house was quiet. Finally, I sighed.

Many thoughts ran through my mind as I lay there, not being able to sleep. I suddenly started thinking about the day I got married, and the day we moved into our beautiful two-story house, and the day I told Jim I was pregnant with Addison. Memories flooded my soul and when I thought I was done reliving the past, more memories came up.

Like, the time Jim and I went fishing just because neither of us had been in a long time. We made a whole day of it. I even bought us fisherman vests with the lures and bait already attached to them. I remembered his grin and chuckle when I pulled them from the bag and threw it at him. He slipped it on with a smile and handed me my pole.

Other memories, like our first Christmas in the new house came creeping up. We were broke and young but life was good. He pulled the Christmas tree from the attic and dusted it off. It was twenty years old by the time we had acquired it but we put it up anyways. He lovingly referred to it as the Charlie Brown tree. There weren’t many presents under the tree that year, but we had all we needed; each other.

As thoughts came flooding back, my door thrust open and jarred me from my place. I jumped and calmly pretended I was asleep again. The figure came in quickly and shut the door quietly. I instantly knew it was Jonathan by the way he sauntered over to the edge of my bed and sat down.

“I’m not even sure if you’re awake, but I need someone to talk to…and I know you need someone to talk to too. So….” he started, sighing and pausing whenever he felt like it.

“This isn’t fair, Pam. My brother was….one of a kind. Why did he have to die the way he did, when he did? I don’t understand that,” he said, emotion showing in his tone of voice. I could feel my own emotion creeping up again. “I know these things are planned…you know, by a greater being and all…but why? Why does it have to be so hard and cruel?”

I wanted to reach out and touch his shoulder. I wanted to remain silent and let him have his time to vent.

He let out a soft chuckle before speaking again. “You know, whenever he knew you were the one, he told me during a game of basketball at the gym. All he said was that he met a great girl that he wanted to marry one day. Then, he told me you were engaged at the time and I told him he was crazy. You know what, Pam? I actually told him to move on. How ridiculous is that? I mean, he was so positive about something and I was telling him to second-guess that. I was so stupid back then,” he said, bringing back the aching feeling in my core.

He continued. “I wish I could be more like him. He was carefree and downright fun. I don’t understand how someone that was raised in the household we were raised in could turn out like that,” he said, shifting on the bed slightly. “It was a miracle, really,” he said and chuckled again.

He stopped speaking for a split second of time and I felt his eyes on my worn face. He sniffled and shifted again. Then, he stood. Deep down I wanted him to stay a little bit longer.

“The thing is Pam, is that yes, you lost something great. And despite losing that, you’re still luckier than most people. You’re kids were raised by an awesome father. You had a wonderful husband that loved you more than anything. Not even an engagement ring or a pending wedding could keep him from you.”

My gut was twisting in knots as my breathing got heavier.

He stepped towards the door. “You had almost twenty great years with him. Just be thankful you had that much time…” he finally stated before slipping out the door and into the dark hallway.

As soon as the door was closed, I sat upright and gasped for air. And, for the first time since I heard my love was gone, I cried.