When I finally broke, I broke completely. The tears that were shed were coming from somewhere I didn’t quite understand. They kept flowing and falling from my bloodshot eyes. I couldn’t control the sobs wracking my body. I shook. I heaved. I convulsed at points. It was the hardest tears I’ve ever had to shed.

The longer I cried, the louder my sobs got. I knew if I kept mourning at the rate I was, I would wake the entire house and cause attention to myself. I tried to calm myself down but there was no stopping the sobs. They were coming whether I wanted them to or not.

My lungs felt like they were going to burst. It felt like I was drowning inside. I gasped for air several times before feeling relief. The sobs came in stronger and stronger waves as I sat there with my face in my hands.

In that moment, I prayed. It was out loud and unintelligible. I just kept asking for some comfort, some peace, and some sign that everything was going to be okay. I knew it wasn’t going to happen like magic but I so wanted it to. I didn’t want to be bare and open like this any longer. I wanted to suck it up and be the strong mother and wife I was supposed to be at a time like that. Regardless, the pain didn’t subside in that instant.

My chest was heaving so hard it hurt. My lungs were beating on my ribcage. I knew if I continued to go without air, I was going to pass out. I continued to try and suppress the tears but nothing seemed to help me calm down.

The creak of my door made my head whip around quickly. My hand instantly clenched the front of my own shirt and knotted it. I screamed at the poor soul that interrupted me. I don’t remember the words that came from my mouth but I belted them so loud my throat instantly went raw.

When I was finished ranting, I caught a glimpse of his hazel-green eyes as he turned quickly and fled from my site.

I collected myself when I realized I had screamed at my seven year old son. My only son; the little boy that was the epitome of his father. I had just yelled at him for no reason.

I cried even harder knowing that I had just proved to my son that I was a wreck without his father. My breathing was still in a rapid rhythm that I couldn’t stop. Despite my sobs, I heard Jake’s own sobs through the wall. Then, I heard Addison speak to him, politely telling him to be quiet.

That’s when I finally just gave up and let the emotion take over my body. I fell backwards on my bed again, finding my resting place from earlier. My hand flew towards the left part of the bed and landed directly on Jim’s fluffy pillow. Immediately I lifted my hand off of it, almost reacting as if it was toxic. I pushed it off the bed as I continued to cry.

Through my swollen eyelids, the next thing in my line of vision was Addison. She had come into the room and found the far wall near the bathroom door. She leaned against the wall and crossed her arms over her chest. She stood there waiting for me to acknowledge her presence.

As I gazed at her from across the room, I couldn’t help but pick out every part of her that reminded me of her father. She definitely had some of his height and even his hair color. Even the way she leaned against the wall made my heart remember back in the days when Jim and I worked together.

Her face was distraught and angry. I knew it was time to speak to her.

So, through my sobs I spoke. “Addy….”

“Don’t call me that….not now,” she said harshly. I had never heard her use that tone of voice before. It shocked me and I sucked up my tears. Our eyes connected and I saw tears form on her long eyelashes.

“Dad used to call me that…” she said, wiping a stray tear from her round cheek.

“I’m sorry baby,” I said, closing my eyes tight as I lay on the bed.

“It’s not your fault,” she said, taking in a deep breath.

I couldn’t think of anything to offer her, so I sat there, with my eyes shut, counting my breaths. It was the best way to steady my breathing. As I counted, she spoke to me in that tone again. The tone that told me she was upset and fed up.

“I really wish you wouldn’t be so selfish right about now.”

I took in a shallow breath as she said it.

“If you’d stop thinking about yourself and open your eyes, you’d see that Jake and I are hurting just as bad as you are.”

I swallowed hard and nodded. My eyes were still shut tight as tears streamed from them. I heard her let out a sob and quickly sniffle, as to cover her emotion. Then, suddenly she was out the door and down the hallway. I heard her sniffles echo off of the walls as she jogged back into Jake’s room where he was doing just the same.

And, in that moment I realized I had just ignored the comfort I had prayed for.