After two hours of more tears, I finally fell into a deep sleep. It wasn’t a peaceful sleep or refreshing by any means. The visions I had tore at me, making me grieve even more. I wasn’t quite sure how someone could mourn in their sleep, but I had experienced it.

The moment my eyelids lazily fell shut, I saw his face. I remember feeling an overwhelming surge of emotion when I realized that I would only see him in my dreams for the rest of my life. It was at that realization that I decided that I didn’t want to wake up in the morning.

My dreams were a rude awakening to the life I was about to start. I had moments of frantic despair where I envisioned myself with him in his last few moments on earth. In my dream, I watched on as he lightly jogged down the trail and surveyed the nature around him.

I kept waiting for the moment to come where I would see him take his last breath but it didn’t happen right away. As I dreaded that split second of time, I watched him stop once to bend down and tie his shoelace that had come undone. My eyes washed over his every movement and feature, trying to calculate what went wrong. He didn’t seem sick or unhealthy by his movements or strides, so I kept a close eye on his surroundings and what triggered the moment it all happened.

In the foggy haze of the dream, I remember gasping when he suddenly stopped and took in a few deep breaths. He reached into his short’s pocket and pulled out his cell phone. He started to punch some of the buttons on the phone but shoved it back into his pocket and began to jog again.

The wind was blowing all around and the sun was beautifully warm that morning. I noticed a few times that he looked up into the sky. I like to think he was admiring the gorgeous day surrounding him.

Just as I was getting used to watching him enjoy his run, he slowed his steps and my heart leapt. This was it. This was the moment that took everything away from me. I was about to see my husband die in front of me. I wanted to wake up from the horrible dream but couldn’t.

His stride slowed and he was casually walking at one point. His chest was heaving and I saw his left hand reach up and grab his right arm. He stopped and rested with his hands on his knee. It was like he began to feel better, so he began to jog again. Then, his hand came up again and didn’t just grip his right arm, but slowly moved over his grey t-shirt to rest over his heart.

He stood still, looking down at his hand resting over his heart. I could hear his heaving breaths. He tried to calm himself and the look on his face registered shock and confusion. His brow was furrowed and his eyes watering.

When I saw his hand grasp the fabric of his shirt, I screamed out. I knew there was no way to stop it from happening, but even in my dream, I wanted to hold him and call for help. It was like my feet were planted firm in the spot I was standing and I couldn’t move an inch. So, I cried out by calling his name over and over.

As I kept screaming at him to look at me and to hold on, I felt my body shake and jostle about. I ignored everything that was happening around us and solely focused on him. The plane in the sky didn’t matter, the twigs in the path in front of him weren’t a problem, and the kids on the swing down the hill were obsolete to me. My eyes locked on him.

He closed his eyes and took in another deep breath. I cried out his name again. And, just before I saw him fall to his knees, I opened my eyes to see a familiar face staring down at me.

“Pam?” she said, her hands grabbing my arms tight.

“What?” I said, frantic and irrational.

“Are you okay? You were screaming for Jim,” said Larissa, her nose and eyes red.

I felt tears pouring from my eyes.

“Four miles,” I said through the sobs.

She gave me a look of confusion, much like her brother’s before he passed away. “What Pam?” she asked, leaning in for clarification.

“Four miles. We were only four miles apart when he died. Four…” I mumbled.

She just stood there, her eyes on mine as she swallowed. We didn’t speak for a what seemed to be forever. We just looked at one another, comforting each other with words that couldn’t be spoken.

She closed her eyes and large tears poured from her round eyes. My hand instinctively reached out and grabbed hers and squeezed it. She sobbed even harder. I scooted over in the large bed and pulled her to my side. We laid there and cried together until she was calm. She fell asleep in the very spot her brother used to sleep, her tears shed all over the sheets.

When I felt her breathing slow, I finally had the motivation to get out of bed. I slowly pulled my arm from underneath her and sat up. My whole body ached and shook as I tried to stand; my legs wobbly and weak. I braced myself on the corner of the bed as I walked around it. I tripped on the rug and almost cursed out loud. I looked to make sure Larissa was still asleep and when I saw she was, I exited my room for the first time in nearly twelve hours and made my way to Jake’s bedroom door.

I placed my ear against the door to make sure they were asleep. When I didn’t hear anything, I opened the door with ease and quickly entered, shutting the door behind me. Addison was sleeping in Jake’s bed with Jake cozily snuggled up next to her. Her arm was draped around him as he hugged her back. They looked so peaceful and carefree it made my stomach ache.

I gently placed a hand on Jake soft hair and smoothed it out. He even looked like Jim when he slept. My hand ran down his round cheek and to his shoulder where I felt the soft fabric of one of Jim’s old faded t-shirts. I ran the sleeve’s fabric through my finger tips as I remember the day Jake had acquired it.

In the midst of reliving that sweet moment, my fit of hiccupping sobs overcame me again. My eyes were closed and the next thing I remember was feeling a hand reach out and grab mine, much like I did to Larissa a few minutes ago.

“Mom?” Addison asked, her voice deep with sleep.

“Yeah, babe?” I asked, suppressing my cries.

“I’m here for you,” she said in the sweetest tone. I nodded, with more tears flowing.

Then she tugged on my arm and I snuggled into the cozy twin-sized bed with my children.