When I woke, I opened my eyes to the sun shining bright. It felt just like any other ordinary day. Then suddenly I remembered the flash of terror from the day before. I rubbed my swollen eyes with my palms. I remember thinking to myself that the bed felt different and when I opened my eyes again, my children weren’t laying beside me like they were when I went to sleep

I took in a deep breath and exhaled slowly. I knew today was going to be tough. Today of all days was going to be hard to bear. It would be the first full and complete day of my life that I’d be without Jim for the rest of my life.

I heard the faint noise of people gathered downstairs. Their voices were low and hushed, like they were respecting those still sleeping. For some reason, I knew they were all waiting on me. I finally crawled out of bed and quietly paced to my bedroom door and peeked in. Larissa was long gone with the bed freshly made for the day. The sight of the neat bed made me feel lonely. Never again would I share it with him.

I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror as I reached to grab the door handle and pull it shut before descending down the stairs. I paused, as I saw my hair and clothes in disarray. I decided to put on a fresh set of clothes and at least brush my hair and teeth before gracing the family with my presence.

After I finished, I felt a rock sit in my stomach again. I didn’t want to face them but I knew I had to. I had put it off far too long. They had all taken their turn coming in to visit me, now it was my turn to return the favor. It wasn’t just me who had lost someone. It was all of us. We all had Jim in common.

I stopped and listened before trudging down the stairs. They were still being quiet and talking about safe topics. I didn’t hear anything about funeral arrangements or the tragedy among their conversation topics. It was the right time to make my first appearance of the day.

As I reached the bottom step, I looked across the living room and into the kitchen where the whole family was gathered. Addison caught my eye first and stopped what she was doing to acknowledge me. It happened like something out of a movie. Slowly, one by one they all turned and stopped their conversation to watch me walk towards them. It was one of the most painful walks I’ve ever had to take in my life.

Slowly I began to see the looks in their faces grow from cheery to dim. I knew what they were thinking. They were all thinking that I was alone. I was a widow now. That I was miserable. Lost.It was the truth. It was the truth but I didn’t want to accept it. I was too proud for that. I hated that their stares made me feel like less of a person. And, at that instant, that was truth too. Jim was the best part of me. And, he was gone. I had decreased by half in the split-second when he died.

I felt like time had slowed as I walked towards the kitchen with my head up and my eyes straight forward. Right as I passed the front door, I heard a door slam on the other side of it. To distract myself and my audience, I veered to the left of the living room, disappearing from their line of vision. I went to the door and glanced out the window.

The next thing I saw was probably the most heartbreaking thing I’d ever seen. I watched as my father opened the car door for my mother. When she stepped around to the sidewalk, she paused and my father stopped behind her. Her eyes were taking in the view of the house and I could see the torment in her face. It hurt her to be here too. It pained her to see our home without my husband residing here anymore.

I opened the door and stood there, waiting for her to see me. With tears in her eyes, her hand flew up to cover her mouth as she gasped when she saw me. My eyes were filled with tears too as I took a step out of the house and ran towards my mother; her arms wide open. As I ran, I cried. As I ran towards her, she cried too.

When I reached my comfort, I felt a weight lifted off of me. As her arms wrapped around me, I felt like it was going to be okay. There was some type of healing that occurred in that moment that neither of us could explain, but I can attest to it. I felt love again. I felt peace again. And, if I couldn’t get that in the arms of my love, I could get it from my mother’s embrace.