My parents were settled into my sullen home when I decided I needed to address some of the issues at hand. I didn’t want to by any means. I wanted to refrain from talking about arrangements or eulogies at all. I didn’t want to even call anyone and tell them he had passed but for some reason, it was my job. It was all on my shoulders now.
I cleared my throat softly, hoping that everyone had heard. The roar around the living room quieted a little, causing conversations to fall to a whisper and the sound of the dishwasher to echo throughout the home.
Jonathan caught my eye and saw that I wanted to speak and did the work for me. He cleared his own throat and spoke low, “I think Pam needs to say something guys…” Everyone focused and looked at me, their eyes just as confused as mine. No one knew what needed to be done either. Jon nodded in my direction when the room had fallen silent and gave me a quiet go-ahead.
I distracted myself with the rim of my mug. “Umm…,” I began, breathing in deeply. “I’m not really sure what needs to happen now. I’m….lost,” I confessed, feeling a sob catch in my throat. I saw Addison’s eyes tear up as my gaze darted around the sea of faces.
I heard a faint “We all are…” from Helen. Her head was hung low, her soft salt and pepper hair covering her face.
I felt the energy sucked out of the room as everyone realized that this was it. We were going to have to acknowledge the fact that Jim was gone and we had to bury him. Their faces were pale and some flush with emotion. The two sets of eyes I avoided most were the ones that needed to be peered into the most; my children’s.
When I couldn’t find anything else to say, Jonathan kindly spoke up. “Mom spoke with the people down at the funeral home. They just need a small party to go down there to finish the final plans. It’s up to you who you take,” he said, addressing me with another nod in my general direction.
I hung my head, just as Helen was doing. As I glanced up, I caught Addison’s worn face trembling. She messed with the hem of her sweater, trying to hold back a river of tears. I knew she was trying to avoid it. It was just like her to try and be strong and hang in there. She’d done it when she’d hurt herself in a basketball game at school and she was benched for the rest of the season. She sat there, just like back then, with her eyes avoiding others, and her shoulders hunched.
I sighed, realizing that decisions needed to be made and people needed to be informed. I couldn’t do it on my own, nor did I want to. When I looked up again, Addison stood and briskly walked out of the living room and towards the back door. At the sound of the door being slammed, a few sobs were let out by others in the living room. Helen was in tears, her husband gently rubbing her back. Larissa was covering her face as she held the emotionless Jake on her lap.
“Do you want someone to go after her, Pam?” my mother asked, placing her warm hand on my knee. A flash from the day before entered my mind when the officer had kindly checked on me when he told me the news.
“Let her do her thing…” I said, hoping that it was the best decision. I planned on speaking with her later.
I sucked up every ounce of energy that I had left and finally revealed it. I let out my feelings, my concerns, my worst nightmares….I told them that I wasn’t ready to put him in the ground and that I hadn’t accepted it yet. They had to know that I wasn’t willing to just let him go so easily.
One by one, they began to weep, joining me in my mourning.
“I’m going to be honest….there is no way that I want to do this. I don’t want to part with him,” I stated, trying to stay grounded for a few more minutes. “I’m not done with him. He’s mine,” I said, feeling my hands become clammy and wet.
I sniffled before speaking again. “And, there’s a lot to be done and I just don’t want to do it. But, I know that I can’t let everyone else do it for me. It wouldn’t be fair. So…I promise to try my best this week to be a great mother, a kind daughter, uh…a sincere sister in law and daughter in law, and…a strong wife. I need to be…but, if I can’t, I apologize in advance….” I managed, looking up at the audience in front of me.
My eye caught the stereo behind Larissa’s head, displaced from it’s original spot. It reminded me of the moment when I lost all control and threw my favorite lamp at it. I felt like loosing control again; standing up, screaming, throwing things, living dangerously, grabbing my car keys and slamming the door. But, at the same time, the dented stereo reminded me that even when I’m out of control, I have to take responsibility and do my job.
After shaking away my momentary mental assessment, I muttered to cover my lack of words. “I, uh…ummm… I’ve got…I need to go talk to Addison. I’ll be back…” I said, leaving the circle of family in my living room.
I adjusted my sweater as I swaggered to the back door. I pulled it open and found Addison sitting on the tiny swing set. Her face was turned towards the ground and her feet in the brown earth. She swung slow and tears fell from her face to her denim covered knees.
I stopped, in awe, at the sight. She was beautiful and so strong in that moment. Even with her emotions on her sleeve, she had a courage that I couldn’t exude at that moment. She had accepted that her father was gone. He wasn’t here. He wasn’t going to be home at six every night to eat dinner or watch the news with us anymore. He wasn’t going to show her how to drive a car or kiss her goodnight again. She’d accepted that fact and I didn’t want to. She’d done it before I had. I was jealous.
She saw me before I interrupted her. She glanced up and then back down quickly to wipe away the tears on her lashes.
“Mom,” she stated, like I had caught her doing something wrong. I smiled.
“Addison,” I said, to acknowledge her. I slowly sat down next to her on the swing to her right. She avoided eye contact and kept her focus on her shoes pushing the dirt aside.
After a few moments of silence she sighed, sniffled and spoke.
“Does everyone think I’m a baby because I ran out of the room?” she asked.
I chuckled. “No.”
“I’m stupid,” she said, shaking her head as she still looked downward.
“No you’re not. Look at me! I’m a wreck!” I exclaimed, sniffling as a little laugh escaped from my throat.
She looked up at me bright eyed and smiled. “I know…” she laughed as she wiped more tears from her cheeks.
“It’s okay to be a wreck, I guess…” I managed.
“You guess?” she asked, her laugh apparent again. “That sounds like something Dad would say.”
“I know. But, I think it’s the truth. We can’t all be strong. Whose rule was it that we had to be? I didn’t make that rule, did you?”
“No,” she said, swinging a little bit harder.
“See,” I said.
Her smile quickly faded and she finally looked up at me. “I miss him.”
I nodded, remembering every feature of her face in that moment. There were no words that I could offer her except ones that would seem redundant and unimportant. So, it fell silent between us as we realized that we would miss him. Always.
“Do you remember when you were five and you decided to finally jump out of the swing?” I asked, remembering her in her childhood. Her hair in pigtails, her shorts mismatched from her tank top, and Jim….Jim standing behind her, pushing her back and forth as the sun began to beat down on us.
She nodded, smiling at the memory.
The day was hot but the lemonade was cool and refreshing. We had just made a day out of putting up Addison’s new swing set. Jim insisted that we all get involved. Addison was so excited, that when the swings were ready to be tested, she jumped up and down with pure joy. We chuckled, happy to finally sit her down on the oversized swing.
I grabbed the camera and snapped a few pictures, hoping to capture the moment forever. Jim grabbed Addison and carefully placed her on the swing. She teetered back and forth a few times then finally got her balance on the swing. She smiled and bounced happily, waiting for her dad to make the first push of the swing.
“Hang on!” he shouted as she squealed. “You ready?” he asked.
“I’m ready, Dad!” she screamed, her voice high with anticipation.
“Are you sure?” he teased.
“YES! GO! Push me, Daddy!” she yelped again, rocking on the swing.
“Okay…One, two, three!” he said, before pushing the swing and letting the ropes go. We all clapped when she flew forward and made her way safely back to Jim.
“Again!” she yelled.
The look on Jim’s face was one of a kind. He was so proud, so joyous, so moved that his little girl was ready to grow up.
I fanned myself of the heat as he kept meeting her demands. She begged him to keep going and he did, even when his arms were too tired and when his cheeks looked a little too pink to continue. As the day grew on, she became accustomed to the swing and Jim tore himself away for a few minutes every so often. She would try her best to keep it going, jostling in every which way to create movement. Soon, he’d have to go back and get her started again.
At one point, he broke away and found his spot next to me on the blanket I had laid in the grass. He leaned back, sighing and resting his weary body.
“It’s tough work, huh?” I joked.
“It’s your turn…” he breathed as he reached for my glass of lemonade in my hand. He gulped down a sip and handed the cup back to me clumsily.
“No way. This is your deal…she needs you,” I continued.
“Nope…you’re her mom. Go…” he nodded towards her, his eyes sparkling as he watched her swing back and forth.
“I’m fine just where I’m at,” I smiled.
“Yes, you are, aren’t you? You’re living it up over here…all relaxed and cool,” he shrugged as he eyed me. I smiled and shrugged too, knowing that I had won.
Just as he began to come up with another comment to rattle me, we were interrupted by Addison’s voice.
“Look! I can fly like a butterfly!” she exclaimed as the swing moved backwards.
Jim’s eyes widened before he tried to stop her. He hollered and scrambled to get to her before she leapt but he was too late. By the time he got to her, she had not only jumped from the swing and onto the dusty ground, but had skinned her palm and knee.
I quickly got up to go to her side. Jim had scooped her up and examined her before trying to calm her. He held her tight to his chest as large tears poured down her dirty cheeks.
“You weren’t afraid to take that leap….” I said, remembering the day vividly.
She nodded, fiddling with her necklace.
“You know…even though you were done crying and fussing, your Dad held you for forty-five minutes.” I remembered, chuckling.
“Really?” she asked, a glimmer shining in her eyes. “I don’t remember that…”
“Yeah. He just didn’t want to let you go. He felt like it was his fault you had fallen…but, really…it was just you…trying to be the entertainment and show off.”
She moved slightly in the swing, grasping the old ropes and running her hands up and down them.
I continued. “And, when you went to bed that night you asked us to kiss you boo-boo’s. You were so proud that you had them. It was like a badge of honor or something,” I said, laughing at the memory.
She smiled too and her face suddenly fell. I furrowed my brow in wonder at what was wrong.
“I wish he was here to kiss these boo-boo’s….” she said, trailing off.
I breathed in and looked towards the backdoor as I hear it open.
“Me too,” I said softly as Jake came walking towards us.
