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Story Notes:

The title of this fic is from the song by the same name by The National.

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Author's Chapter Notes:
I've never written an Office fic before. I used to (and still do when I get the motivation) write fics for Alias, but I'm a new Office lover and just had to try my hand at this. This story came to me at work, I came home, and wrote it all out. I'm not really sure about my grasp on the characters yet, so let me know what you think.
He still can’t believe it when he climbs into bed every night and she is there beside him. He’s wanted this for so long that it still seems so impossible it’s finally real. They’re still in the giddy honeymoon days of their relationship, learning every little quirk about being together and loving every second of it. At the same time, there’s a comfort and a familiarity in their relationship that usually only comes from years and years spent getting to know one another. They already have a routine at night, a simple give and take where she washes her face and he brushes his teeth behind her before they slip into bed and wrap their arms around each other. In the morning she separates the newspaper into his and hers sections while he fixes coffee for himself, tea for her. They don’t technically live together yet, but their belongings are slowly making their way into one another’s apartments until eventually one person will have moved almost everything into one particular place. Within a month or two, they’ll probably both be living in her apartment, and perhaps over breakfast one morning, she’ll casually suggest he should just go ahead and move in. It won’t be a big deal because he already has, and he’s more than okay with this arrangement. They have already perfected domestic bliss, skipping right over the awkwardness after knowing each other so well for so long. This is right, he knows, and along with the excitement of a fairly new relationship is a peace and a certainty that she is the last stop for him.

Right now, he wishes that peace was enough to quell the fears that have begun churning in his stomach on a nightly basis. She is asleep now, her head draped on his chest, but he’s still wide awake staring up at the ceiling, torturing himself with questions of “what if?” He’s been doing this for a while now, but it seems the last few nights have been especially bad, to the point that he isn’t really sleeping anymore. For now, she is oblivious. She’s noticed he looks a little tired, but he’s brushed it off, told her he’s coming down with a cold or something. She shows her concern by offering to fix meals while he relaxes and letting him sleep in past the alarm in the morning. It should be enough to make him feel better, but in these dark hours of contemplation, he knows only his own tormented thoughts.

She sighs in her sleep and moves her head, the moonlight catching on her honey blonde curls. She’s grown lovelier than ever over the last few months, and the transformation has been beautiful. Not because she’s cut her hair, not because she’s subtly changing her wardrobe to something more sophisticated, and not because she spends time working on her makeup every morning. None of those things make her more attractive to him – he’s always found her breathtaking – but the reason behind them does. She is happy. She is confident. She is daring to take risks and become the person he’s always known was there. She absolutely glows now, and he knows his love is what gives her the courage she never had before. One night she told him as much, that his confession was what spurred her onward to become “Fancy New Beesly,” as he so affectionately called her. And it is his love that keeps her striving, that allows her to grow, that puts that adorable grin on her face every day.

The terrible irony of the situation is, her transformation is exactly what keeps him awake at night. He loves her more today than he did on Casino Night or the Booze Cruise. He loves her more now than he ever did when she was just that unattainable dream. He loves who she is becoming every day they are together, but he is so terrified one day she will realise she could do better. For years she has been his only goal. Now that he has her, he doesn’t know what to do with himself. He wants to give her everything, but he doesn’t know how to do it from Dunder Mifflin, and he has no idea what he really wants to do. Someday soon she will need more than a paper salesman. She’s achieving her dreams, and what is he doing? Pulling pranks on Dwight. Of course she still enjoys their fun, but sometimes he wonders how long before she eventually grows tired of it and wants to see him succeed at something other than getting a laugh. Shy insecure Pam was afraid to dream of more than Roy for fear of having her heart crushed. The new Pam is realising she can have anything she wants, and lately, he finds himself wondering if she’ll soon realise what she wants is more than he can give.

The fear is even worse because he’s tasted what life is like with her. She used to be out of reach, and that was bad enough. Wanting her but never knowing what it was like to be with her….it was devastating in a way he can’t express. But having her and losing her? It would kill him. And yes, he knows she loves him. Yes, he knows she’s happier with him than she’s ever been before. Logic and reason tell him she’s not going anywhere. But logic and reason aren’t really part of the game, here. It’s all about his terror, and his nightmares need no basis in reality to continue torturing him.

Pam is it. She is the one for him. The only one. He’s always suspected, and now he knows. So what is he going to do if she continues to soar while he just continues to flounder? He wants to do more, he wants to be more, but he just doesn’t know how. He’s spent too long chasing one dream, and now that he has it he’s completely lost. Where does he go from here? What does he do now that he has Pam? How long can he keep messing around at Dunder Mifflin without figuring out what he’s really going to do with his life? And what is he going to do when she grows tired of it and leaves?

Before he knows what’s happening, his panic is reaching an all-time high until he’s almost choking on the wordless fears. He feels like he’s going to suffocate, and her weight on his chest isn’t making it any easier to breathe. As quickly and carefully as possible, not wanting to disturb her, he scrambles out from beneath her and hurries out to the living room, suddenly wishing they stayed at his place tonight so he wouldn’t be completely and utterly surrounded by all things her right now. He sinks shakily onto the couch and lowers his face into his hands as though he might be able to literally take hold of his life again. He’s falling apart, and he doesn’t know how to stop this.

“Jim?” a tiny voice calls from behind him.

He lets out a long, slow breath, trying to sound normal as he turns around and manages a quiet, “Hey.”

“What are you doing?” she asks, rubbing sleepily at her eyes as she slowly shuffles over to the couch. It takes her only a moment to realise all is not right, and she’s instantly awake and alert as she hurries to his side. “What’s wrong?” she asks worriedly, laying a hand on his arm.

“Nothing,” he answers immediately. “I’m fine. Just can’t sleep.”

“God, Jim, you’re shaking,” she breathes.

He looks down and realises she’s right; he’s trembling all over. “Oh. I-”

Before he can even figure out a response, she’s placing her wrist on his forehead to check for a temperature, concern darkening her eyes. “You’re so pale,” she notes, grabbing the blanket off the back of the couch and wrapping it around him as she continues to inspect him for signs of illness. “Talk to me,” she encourages. “Are you sick? Do I need to take you somewhere?”

“No,” he shakes his head. “No, I’m okay.”

“You’re not okay. What’s going on?” she persists.

He swallows hard, debating whether or not to tell her the truth. He doesn’t want to, doesn’t want her to know about this, but he feels like he’s going to lose his mind if he doesn’t tell someone. She’s sitting here looking so worried, her focus so completely on him, not even caring that it’s three in the morning and she should be asleep right now. It makes his anxiety that much more ridiculous, but still, he just can’t help it.

“Jim, you’re really scaring me,” she says when he offers no explanation.

“Yeah, me too,” he laughs humourlessly.

She doesn’t laugh, and if possible, she looks even more distressed. As always, she is his first priority, and he can’t bear to put her through this. He needs to tell her the truth, even if it hurts. “I’m just….I’ve been thinking too much,” he tries to explain.

“Thinking too much,” she repeats slowly. “Are you….having second thoughts?” she asks, the tremor of her voice betraying her otherwise calm exterior.

“No,” he murmurs, shaking his head. “No, of course not.”

“Then what?” she asks in confusion.

“I’m scared, Pam,” he finally admits. “And I can’t sleep. I haven’t been able to sleep for a while, but it’s getting worse now.”

“You’re not sleeping?” she asks, her voice growing even smaller. For an instant she is just Pam again. Insecure, frightened Pam, and he hates that he’s the one to do it to her. “For how long?”

“A few weeks,” he confesses. “The last few days I haven’t slept at all.”

“Why didn’t I know this?” she asks, looking so wounded and hurt that he didn’t tell her. “I really don’t understand, Jim. What are you afraid of?”

He takes a deep breath and bows his head, unable to look at her as he spills his heart. “I’m afraid I’m going to lose you,” he finally manages. “I’m afraid you’re going to realise I’m not good enough for you. I love you, Pam. I love everything about you and I love this person you’re becoming. I love being a part of that, but I’m so scared you’re drifting away from me. You have all these amazing dreams and all this talent, and what do I have? This stupid dead-end job and nowhere to go. I know I need to do something else, but I’m just lost. I’m confused. I don’t know what else to do and I don’t know what I want. You were it for so long, and now I’m just trying to figure out how I’m going to be able to hold onto you when you realise you deserve so much more than this place and that job and me. I want you to be happy, Pam. I want to see you get everything you’ve ever dreamed of, but I’m scared of what that means for us. You know I’m proud of you, of your art, and I would never want to stifle you, but I can’t even tell you how….how paralysed I feel when I see you working so hard because I feel like it’s just a matter of time before you’re ready to move on. And I don’t know if I’m enough to move on with you. I can’t hold you back, Pam. I would never do that, but I’m afraid that’s exactly what’s going to happen.” He’s completely humiliated when he realises he’s crying, and even though there are just a few tears, he hates that she’s seeing him so weak. He tries to duck his head even more to hide his face from her, but she gently stops him by placing her hand on his cheek.

“Hey,” she whispers. “Don’t do that.”

“I’m sorry, I-”

“Shh,” she silences him, wrapping her arms around him and just holding him for a few minutes. He instantly feels better, his heart rate reaching something near normal once more though the fear still lingers. When it’s obvious he has control of himself again, she dares to pull back a little, keeping him close but moving far enough away that she can look him in the eye. “Why didn’t you tell me any of this?” she asks softly. “I thought we could talk to each other.”

“We can,” he assures her immediately. “And I’ve wanted to.”

“Then why haven’t you?”

“I don’t know,” he answers honestly. “Because it’s stupid, maybe. Because I’m being so insecure.”

“Everyone gets insecure,” she points out gently. “You don’t need to be embarrassed.”

“I know,” he nods painfully. “I know, it’s all just….ridiculous. But I can’t stop it. It’s just…I know how much I need you now, Pam. I know what I have to lose.”

She nods in understanding and presses a soft kiss to his cheek in reassurance. “I know we kind of have this unspoken agreement not to talk about this last year, but I think maybe it’s time to break that.”

“Pam, I don’t-”

“Just listen. There are a few things I think you need to know,” she says softly, twisting a lock of his hair around her finger. “I was miserable without you, Jim. When I realised you were gone…it was the worst feeling I could imagine. And then you came back with Karen, and I realised I didn’t know anything about pain yet.”

He wants to apologise, but he knows it would be so trite and meaningless now. They’ve both hurt each other, and it’s in the past, but it still just hurts so damn much.

“I felt like my life was falling apart all over again,” she continues quietly. “I thought I had blown it with you forever, and every day I regretted just….everything. Do you really think I would want to subject myself to that again? For anything?”

“Maybe not intentionally, but-”

“Wait,” she cuts him off. “There’s something else. You already know this, but every change that I’ve made, everything that I’ve done….it was all because of you,” she says seriously. “Because you showed me that I deserved it. And because the person who I was when I was with Roy wasn’t ready to be with you. Everything I’ve done was for you, too, Jim. Look how long it took me. I had a year,” she points out. “I had a year to figure out who I was and where I wanted to be while you were in Stamford and with Karen. We’re just doing this opposite of each other. Now’s your turn, and do you really think I’m not going to be there for you while you’re figuring your own life out?” she asks, making the thought seem absolutely absurd. “And more importantly, why do you think I care about what you do or where you end up? If it’s here in Scranton or somewhere else entirely….I just want to be there with you,” she says simply.

The words wash over him in a warm, comforting wave, and he is more in love with her than ever in this moment. She knows him, she knows what he’s feeling, and she’s okay with it. With every part of it….every part of him. It’s exactly what he needs to hear, but there’s one tiny shred of doubt remaining. “What if you’re the one who goes somewhere?” he asks softly. “What if you get some amazing job doing graphic design somewhere that’s not here?”


“Then we’d figure it out together,” she answers without hesitating. “This isn’t some fling, Jim. We’ve both been waiting a long time for this, and I’m not going to just let it go. If I get a job somewhere, we’ll figure it out. I’d want you to go with me, and if that wasn’t possible…”

“Then what?” he persists. “What would you do? Not take it because of me?”

“First of all, that’s a lot of hypotheticals. You can find a job anywhere,” she says confidently. “But if it wasn’t going to work for us, then it wouldn’t work for me. There would be other jobs, other places.”

“Just like that?”

“Just like that,” she nods.

He wants to cry again, and she notices and wraps her arms around him once more. The relief is overwhelming, and he hugs her so close he’s almost afraid he’s going to hurt her.

She’s not going anywhere. He’s going to be okay.

“Let’s go back to bed,” she whispers, slowly climbing off the couch and taking his hand to guide him back to the bedroom. He follows, but they don’t go to sleep. They have to be at work early in the morning, but right now, nothing matters except how much he loves her and how much he needs her. Weeks of pent up anxiety and worry pour out of him, and she knows just how to take it all away. She is perfect for him in every way, and as she kisses his neck and plays with his hair, he wonders how he ever survived this long without her. He allows her words and her touch to soothe the open wounds, forgetting about new jobs and new places for now. Everything about the future is uncertain except for one thing: he will be sharing it with her. And maybe her confirmation was all he really needed. Both of them have been afraid to be too honest about their feelings and too quick to share the intensity of their emotion. They’ve been waiting for the right time to say the words, but after wanting her for so long, he just needed to know.

It’s almost light out when he closes his eyes again, her head once more on his chest and the blankets strewn haphazardly over them. He’s close to sleep this time, content and perfectly relaxed for the first time in weeks, but he can tell she’s still awake by the pattern of her breathing. “Jim?” she asks softly.

“Hmm?”

“When we were talking about my dreams earlier, about my art….”

“Yeah?” he asks expectantly, his eyes still closed.

“There’s one thing I want more than that.”

Surprised, he opens his eyes to look at her. “What’s that?”

“You.”
Chapter End Notes:
Thanks for reading! Let me know what you think!


Strawberry Fields is the author of 5 other stories.
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