Chapter 3: The Saying and It’s Meaning.
He and Pam haven’t talked for three days now and all in all it was killing him. He knew he had to be strong with this, but Jesus Christ he hated it. What was worse was everyone could tell something had happened. Even a blind person could tell she and him weren’t smiling or joking around; even Dwight was confused on why he hadn’t been pranked on lately.
Jim hated coming to work; there was really no point anymore. The days were hard and almost always upsetting. And even if it was an ok day, he always had this constant headache. Meredith really needed to start selling drinks or something.
He glanced up from his workspace and saw Pam walk in out of the corner of his eye. He missed her. Her smile, the way she giggled over the stupid phrases that accidentally came from his mouth when he was nervous. Everything. Especially the way she made him feel. He felt whole around her, which was hard to explain. He just missed her.
“Hey.” She said quietly coming over to his desk.
He nodded in her direction but never looked up from the computer.
“Are you ever going to stop being mad at me? I’m sorry. Really sorry.”
He looked up at her then and sighed. Her eyes were sad and a little red, but he didn’t want to think what it was from. He wanted to feel sorry for her but all that filled him was anger. Which surprised him, he didn’t understand how angry she made him lately.
“Yeah I remember.” He said coldly. Damnit. He was going to make her cry again wasn’t he?
She was about to say something else but Michael came out of his office announcing a party he was throwing today. Pam went back to her desk and sat down staring blankly at the computer screen for a moment. She looked up just to see if Jim even watched her sit down. But he didn’t, he was staring intensely at Michael. She wondered why she even bothered to come to work today.
~*~*~
“Alright Michael wants everyone in pairs. Jim and Pam you’re on cups and plates duty…” Dwight started.
Jim got up from his desk and went to whisper something in Dwight’s ear. It made Pam’s stomach lurch. For the first time in a long time she felt like she was back in high school, getting made fun of for being the way she was. Something she thought Jim would never make her feel.
~*~*~
“No, I’m not mocking your authority Dwight.” Jim said not amused. “I was just wondering if I could switch partners for today.”
Dwight looked up at Jim confused and then at Pam. She looked down upset, which both of them saw. Jim knew Dwight wouldn’t let him switch after he saw that. He had this “hero” complex the size of Texas.
“No that would be wrong to Pam.” He shook his head.
Jim rolled his eyes which made him feel like he was being an ass again, but honestly he didn’t give a shit. It was getting easier for him to feel that way and he hated it. But he couldn’t deal with this any other way. Everyone else would just have to deal. “She’ll be fine.”
Dwight handed Jim the list of things he needed to get, unmoved by Jim’s words. He sighed angrily and took the piece of paper heading into the kitchen. Pam could follow if she got the point.
~*~*~
She didn’t want to follow him, couldn’t stand him when he was like this. Never saw him like this enough times to deal with it. He was becoming more like Roy these last few days and the thing was, she hated herself for it. She took the sweet caring Jim and twisted him into something he wasn’t. No wonder he was angry and upset half the time.
“What’s on the list?” she asked pushing closed the kitchen door.
He was sitting at the table scrunching his eyebrows over the paper. “Most of this stuff we already have here. I can go get the rest.”
“I could come too if you want?” she offered. One step at a time was all she could offer. But Jim was already taking leaps.
“No I wouldn’t want to pressure you with anything.” He said it like it took him a lot of effort.
“And how come I feel like we’re not talking about cups and plates anymore?” She asked.
“Well that’s what I did, right? I pressured you.”
“Where is this even coming from?” she asked almost wanting to raise her voice. If it weren’t for the other people a room away she would have.
He shook his head, he didn’t even know anymore. He was wondering if there was a doctor that could disconnect his emotions from his mouth. “Nothing. Never mind.”
Jim got up heading for the door. But she wasn’t going to let him get away twice. She stepped in front of him. “Look Jim I’m sorry. Ok? For the thousandth time, I’m sorry.”
“Did you ever think that that’s just not going to cut it?”
“What do you want me to say?”
He knew exactly what he wanted her to say. He wanted to say the words he had so much damn trouble with, the ones he knew she was just struggling with too. The funny thing was he was pretty sure he would have forgiven everything if she would have just said it. And meant it.
And Pam does. Jim has no idea how much she wants to say it. But everything’s so twisted now and she can’t remember if she even knows the right thing to say.
“It’s not worth it anymore is it?” she asked him.
He just wished she’d let him past through the damn door. “I guess not.”
And with that she does. He walks briskly past her and she realizes she could have told him, but she lost her chance. And she can’t, she won’t now. She’d just be screwing herself up more than she already did, taking him down with her. And that, she just couldn’t bare.
Author's Chapter Notes:
This chapter has alot of angst, sorry! But the next will have fluff...and you know who it's between :D
Chapter End Notes:
thanx to all who have been reading!
