~~~~~
Jim woke up on Saturday morning with the worst hangover he had experienced since his freshman year of college. He opened his eyes slowly, staring blankly at the wall in front of him. He tried to bring the pictures that hung there into focus, but it was of little use as they seemed determined to remain giant blobs of color.
As he rolled over and faced his clock, trying to make out the tiny glowing green digits, the memories of the previous night began to trickle through his sluggish brain. With a jolt to his stomach, which almost contributed to him requiring the garbage can he had placed precariously beside his bed the night before, he recalled how vibrant Pam had looked the previous night, and how happy she had seemed...with him. With that Chris guy from the bar.
Jim closed his eyes and tried to avoid the onslaught of memories, but they began pulsating through his mind, heedless of his silent requests for peace.
*****
He had left her standing there, in the parking lot of the bar. He had needed to get away from her. She had essentially refused him again and had instead mentioned Karen, which had made him incredibly angry. Later he couldn’t decide whether he was angry with her for mentioning Karen when he wanted to forget her, or whether he was angry at himself for not being the one to think of Karen first.
He had walked for about forty-five minutes, feeling the cool night air calm the flush on his cheeks that had been created by both the alcohol and the confrontation. His mind raced trying to make sense of the evening. Initially his blood boiled with anger and frustration, but soon the mixture of the cool air and his own rationality began to calm him. He knew he had perhaps been too bold, and pushed too far. But when she looked so alive, he found it hard to resist her. Though he was dating Karen, he couldn’t deny the effect that Pam had on him, even after everything. As much as he had tried to push his feelings for her down into the deep recesses of himself where hopelessness reigned supreme, he knew that he was still in love with her.
And it was moments like that in the parking lot of the bar where his true self began to make an attempt at expressing his deepest longings. He had desperately wanted her to hear him, to believe him, to take him, to love him in return, regardless of the ramifications. But she, level-headed, kind-hearted Pam had been stronger than he had been. She had thought of Karen above herself. And for that, Jim found that he loved her even more.
He knew he had to decide what he was going to do. Clearly he would avoid telling Karen about his little outburst. He didn’t want to hurt her, but he couldn’t deny that he wasn’t certain he even wanted to be with Karen anymore. But if he broke it off with Karen, there was still no guarantee that Pam would want to be with him. He thought for sure she had wanted something more tonight. But then again, he had thought that before and been dead wrong.
By the time Jim had returned to the bar, he had made up his mind to avoid Pam, and just not mention anything to Karen. Though he felt a twinge of guilt for keeping his interaction with Pam from his girlfriend, he knew in the long run, it was probably for the best. Though Karen was never, and could never be Pam, she provided a sense of safety and genuine happiness that Jim hesitated to part from in order to spend an eternity longing after a woman who had refused him consistently in the past.
He had figured Pam had left the parking lot for home long before, so he walked back into the bar to get his coat and say goodbye to his coworkers. As he scanned the crowded bar, his eyes had stopped immediately at a sight in the corner, tucked away from the eyes of intruding watchers.
Pam was still there. She was smiling. She was laughing. But not with her coworkers.
She was with Chris.
The recognition hit Jim like a ton of bricks to the side of his head. He had tried to tear his eyes away, but they remained glued to the scene as if determined to torture him further. She looked happy. Much happier than she had been just an hour before. He could tell she wasn’t faking her laughs and smiles as she had been earlier with their coworkers. Instead, she seemed to be genuinely enjoying Chris’s company.
Though Jim had continued to stare at her, she appeared to be completely oblivious of his presence. She continued to share laughs and smiles with Chris that, up until that moment, Jim had thought had been reserved only for him and their stolen moments in the office.
Jim felt his heart drop. His eyes confirmed his worst trepidations. She didn’t want him. She was just as happy with someone else. It wasn’t about him anymore. It would never really be about him.
He had left the bar as quickly as possible and went immediately home, found the bottle of Jack Daniels in the top cupboard in the kitchen, and sat on the couch staring blankly at the TV, drinking straight from the bottle. He just wanted to dull the pain; to not think about her or him, or their laughing together.
Later, he somehow had managed to make it to his bedroom, collapsing then on the bed with his work clothes still on.
*****
Now Saturday morning, he was forced to relive the entire night again in his memory, only this time with a killer headache. He wanted desperately to fall back to sleep and ignore the sun peeking through his window, but he knew he would not be able to sleep. So instead, he pulled himself out of bed and headed to the kitchen to make some coffee.
As he stood there ten minutes later, sipping his coffee gently, he determined that he would not allow himself to wallow today. He had been depressed long enough over Pam. If she was moving on, he couldn’t let it affect him. Karen was coming back Sunday night, so he had a day and a half that he had to keep himself busy not thinking about his social life. He found a pen and the pad of paper stuck to his refrigerator that read “Shopping List” and sat down at the kitchen table. He would make a list of all the things he had been meaning to do for months, but had never gotten around to actually attempting. Instead of retiring to his own personal hell, today he was determined to be proactive and accomplished.
As he began jotting down various errands and activities, he could feel his hangover abating and he began to feel a little better about his situation. He found himself wishing he had discovered this method of coping sooner. Maybe he could have avoided some of the agony he had felt after last May.
Pushing thoughts of Pam, Chris, and Karen from his mind, he clamored to his bedroom, threw on some gym clothes, grabbed his basketball and headed out the door. The guys would still be playing for another hour or so, and it just so happened that “playing ball” was the first item on his to-do list.
*****
“Hey”
“Hi”
Karen stepped through his front door, smiling genuinely and embracing him in a warm hug. Jim smiled in return, leading her into the living room where she plopped down on his couch.
Jim had managed to spend the rest of his weekend busily running errands, cleaning his apartment, working out, and just generally avoiding having to think about anything regarding his rather complicated social life. Aside from a few meanderings into dangerous territory, his mind had maintained a clear course for most of the weekend.
Now as Karen sat on his couch, recounting her weekend with her family, he felt a warmth travel through him. He enjoyed listening to her talk, hearing her laugh, seeing her smile. He enjoyed being with her. She made him happy. He appreciated that more today than he had in a long time. Her presence was soothing and comfortable. He silently wondered why he had ever thought he wanted to be without her.
“So how was your weekend here? How was the office party on Friday?” Karen asked, raising a slightly suspicious eyebrow, “Was Michael threatening to banish me from the ‘family’ for not being there?”
“Unfortunately, yes. In fact, I’m in charge of collecting your ‘Michael-Scott-Dunder-Mifflin-family-member-card’ and I’ve been instructed to destroy it immediately,” Jim responded genially. Though he wanted to elicit a giggle from Karen, he was also partially trying to deflect the question without seeming to be withholding information. Regardless of his newly rediscovered appreciation for Karen, he didn’t want to push his luck by telling her the complete rundown of Friday night.
She pushed harder though, asking “Did you have a good time at least?”
“It was alright, nothing too exciting happened really…I mean aside from Dwight almost sticking the pool stick cue up his nose”
Karen snorted with laughter, clearly trying to picture a scenario where Dwight might “accidentally” have stuck a cue up his nose.
He gladly recounted the story in vivid detail, enjoying every sound of laughter she uttered. They continued their conversation, enjoying each other’s company after a weekend apart. Jim would have been content to sit there with her all night. The thought that Pam might be enjoying a similar evening with Chris flitted through the back of his mind, but he quickly pushed it away, determined to focus on the woman before him, rather than the one he couldn’t have.
Karen left his apartment early that night, saying she needed to finish unpacking from her trip, but that she would see him in the morning before work for breakfast. When he closed the door behind her he let out a light, content sigh. He could finally remember what it was like to be happy, to enjoy his life. He was determined to continue to pursue that feeling. He didn’t need the drama that the saga with Pam brought to his life. It didn’t make him a happier person; in fact he was more miserable when he thought about it. He knew that in some ways he might never really get over her, but he was determined to be happy without her.
That night as he fell asleep, his thoughts were filled not with Pam’s laughter and smiles, but with Karen’s. He slept better that night than he had in a very long time.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Sorry for the delay...school/work/weddingplanning/life kicked in again...
And now, for Jim's side of the story...
This chapter turned out a little differently than I had originally intended, but I think I like it better this way.
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
And now, for Jim's side of the story...
This chapter turned out a little differently than I had originally intended, but I think I like it better this way.
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
Chapter End Notes:
So things seem all rosy for now...don't worry, life is never that pretty for long...
As a side note, I'm all for the proactive approach when feeling down...go out and do something! You'll feel better! Or read and review fanfic...that works too! ;-)
Your comments are what keep me going, so thanks!
As a side note, I'm all for the proactive approach when feeling down...go out and do something! You'll feel better! Or read and review fanfic...that works too! ;-)
Your comments are what keep me going, so thanks!
PBeesly Sweater is the author of 10 other stories.
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