Pam stormed into her apartment and slammed the door, throwing her keys against the walls and relishing in the sounds of her anger as she cried out in frustration. She could barely believe she even made it home without driving the car off the road or doing something equally insane, but here she was, safe in her sad, pathetic, lonely little apartment, and she could probably scream for a solid minute before anyone heard or cared.
Today was supposed to be her second chance. From the moment she heard about the Stamford branch closing, she was filled with hope and elation. For so long they worried about their own branch closing, so everyone was relieved to hear the downsizing was not going to be affecting their jobs at all. Pam, however, had a completely different reason to be excited. Her first concern was that maybe Jim would do anything to stay away from Scranton, even if it meant going jobless. As soon as Michael informed her Jim would be returning to their branch, the smile returned to her face. She came home and actually let herself look through “the box” for the first time since he left Scranton – left her. “The box” was an ordinary paper box she’d stolen from the warehouse right after his departure, but its contents were what made it special. Unable to deal with the memories of the past without him here to share in them, she packed everything away that reminded her of him. A foil yogurt top, the teapot he gave her along with its bonus gifts, old post-it notes with witty little messages, a few stick figure drawings he made during meetings, and a few other random mementos she couldn’t part with but could no longer look at. With a bottle of wine for company, she had packed everything into the box, written his name across the lid, and then stowed it in the back of her closet. Two nights ago, she pulled it out and relived every little moment since she met him.
Grilled cheese on the roof. Swaying to his iPod. Dwight pranks. Inside jokes. A hundred lunch breaks or coffee breaks or just chatting breaks. Jinxes. Solitaire games. Even those moments when he looked at her with that expression that threatened to break her heart. Knowing he was coming back to her, she could actually stand to remember the way his eyes couldn’t lie, the way he held her waist on Casino Night, the way his lips felt pressed against hers. For two days, all she could think about was how she was going to tell him. Should she start out with the truth about her relationship with Roy? Should she leave Roy out of it altogether and just confess what a coward she’d been? Should she throw her arms around him and kiss him right in the middle of the office? Nothing seemed quite right, so she did something crazy and trusted herself to make the right decision when she finally laid eyes on him again. Somehow she would just know what to say, and after months of missing him, months of regret, months of loneliness and pain, she would finally get her chance to tell Jim Halpert exactly how she felt about him.
And then there was Karen.
She saw Karen Filipelli’s name on the list of employees transferring from Stamford, but it seemed like a perfectly innocent name at the time. Even now, she couldn’t be entirely sure Karen was the new object of Jim’s affections, but he made it pretty clear. And it wasn’t exactly surprising. Not as surprising as someone like Jim falling for the dull, mousy receptionist, anyway. Karen was beautiful in all the ways Pam always envied. She was exotic and dark and tan and stylish. She seemed like the most normal newcomer to the office, and she could instantly see why Jim would be attracted to her. And Karen, of course, was not engaged to an abusive jackass, so she had that going for her, too. Jim moved on with his life after she rejected him, and clearly, he had decided to do better for himself in Stamford. Oh God she moved to Scranton with him, she realised, thinking she might be sick at the mere thought. How was she supposed to go to work tomorrow, or any day after, for that matter, knowing that Jim had moved on and found someone who was free to love him back? How could she sit there and watch them together, knowing it was now really and truly over forever? Was this how he felt? Did he feel this sick churning in his stomach every single time he saw her and Roy together? Maybe this was just her payback for being so incredibly stupid in the first place, but she really wasn’t sure she could handle it. He told her on Casino Night he didn’t want to be friends anymore, and she understood exactly what he meant. She couldn’t sit by and be his friend if that meant watching him be happy with another woman. Of course she wanted him to be happy. If Karen made him happy, fine, he should be with Karen. But she couldn’t watch it, couldn’t hear about it, couldn’t endure it knowing it could have been her if she hadn’t been so afraid to take a chance on being happy for once in her life.
Without her bidding, the tears came. Tears of frustration and sorrow and fear of the future. Tears of utter agony at what she had lost. All these months she thought she could do this, thought she could be strong without him, but no one could ask this of her. Still wearing her coat, she sank down against the wall and allowed herself to cry into her knees over the mess her life had become. It was all supposed to get better after she left Roy. She felt free and light and full of hope, and her life was finally supposed to come together. She could come and go as she pleased without fearing him, without wondering how much he had to drink and what might make him angry enough to hit her. But that was just one tiny victory in the grand scheme of things. Not having to be afraid of Roy didn’t mean she wasn’t still afraid of everything else. Now she remembered why she stayed with him so long in the first place. He was all she knew, and quite possibly, all she deserved. She wasn’t bold and ambitious like Karen. She wasn’t stunning and independent, either. She was plain old boring Pam, and marrying someone like Roy was pretty much the only thing she could expect in this life. Now she didn’t even have him anymore, and though part of her still believed that was a good thing, she wasn’t sure she was prepared to spend the rest of her life alone.
We’ll always be friends, she thought bitterly. Right. Like they could ever actually be friends after this. It’s not like she called him and told him the wedding was off, and he didn’t exactly make a whole lot of effort to keep in contact with her, either. She could say they were friends to help ease the pain on both sides, but it was really just a bunch of meaningless words. They couldn’t be friends, not really. They might try to make jokes again, maybe even pull a prank or two on Dwight. They might share a few laughs, but the fact was, they had both broken each others hearts now, and there was no coming back from that. She shattered him and sent him running to Stamford – ultimately into the arms of another woman. He came back and showed her just how okay he was without her. So friends? Highly unlikely. More like acquaintances who might act friendly towards one another, though both of them know it’s a pointless endeavour.
Still sitting against the wall crying, she wondered if Karen knew everything about her. Probably. He probably gave off that vibe when he got to Stamford, the one that screamed damaged and broken and in desperate need of someone to help him find happiness again. Karen was probably that woman. Maybe she asked him out for coffee one day and he spilled his guts to her, confessing everything about the receptionist he used to work with, used to love. He would tell her how he did everything he could for this girl, knowing she wasn’t happy, knowing she was stuck in a pointless relationship, but she was always too blind, or maybe just too afraid to see. He would tell her about the night he took a chance, put himself on the line and spoke those words aloud for the first time. I’m in love with you. Karen probably thought it was sweet how much he cared, how devoted he’d been and how long he waited. And she probably thought Pam was insane for saying no to him. She probably told him just that, and then coffee became dinner and a movie. Dinner and a movie became a drink at his place or hers. A drink became two drinks, two drinks became a relationship. And now Pam was little more than the story that brought them together. Well, at least she had done something good for him in the end.
When the tears finally dried up, she pulled herself up off the floor and managed to hang up her coat. She considered hanging her keys where they belonged and then realised it really didn’t matter. Her mom was the one and only visitor her apartment had ever seen, and now she felt ridiculous for cleaning it furiously last night in the hopes she would soon be showing it to Jim. No one cared if her apartment was spotless. No one cared where she hung up artwork and decorated with flowers and other simple little touches. No one cared because no one was going to see it. Including and especially not Jim.
If it wasn’t for her growling stomach, she might have just changed into her favourite pair of sweats and called it a day. If ever she was in need of an early night, it was tonight. She wanted to just go to sleep and wake up back in the past, when she was still with Roy and Jim was still in love with her. If she could just do it all over, she wouldn’t wait for Jim to tell her. The first chance she got, she would break up with Roy, and as soon as it was over, she would go to him, wherever he was. At work, at his apartment, or even at his Saturday morning basketball game. She would tell him that she loved him, and then maybe explain all these reasons she’d been so afraid to tell him sooner. He would take her in his arms and promise to make it all better, to make her forget. He would promise to love her the way she wanted to be loved, treat her the way she wanted to be treated. He would take her home and kiss the bruises until she no longer remembered what it felt like to be hurt by the person who was supposed to love you. Roy would become a distant memory, and Karen would be that awful figment in her imagination, the one that only came out to play when they were fighting and she felt particularly insecure. But as soon as she confessed that she was afraid of more beautiful women with more ambitious dreams, he would kiss her and promise there was one only person he wanted. The real Karen would stay in Stamford, and their paths would never meet. Someday she would have a real wedding, but this time her engagement would last no more than a year. He would help her plan it, though she would take delight in flower arrangements and bridesmaid dresses and every other little detail of their perfect day. He would smile and nod and tell her she could have whatever she wanted, but he would care.
Stop torturing herself, the voice in her head commanded as she looked once more around her empty apartment. You lost him. He moved on. You have to do the same or you’re going to be stuck with crazy daydreams forever. There was no longer any point in fantasising about a future with Jim, so she needed to put one foot in front of another and try her best to keep going. She didn’t really have many other choices.
Too tired to attempt cooking, she grabbed a microwave dinner out of the freezer and ate it in front of her television. After watching a few mindless game shows, she retrieved the newspaper from the kitchen and flipped to the classifieds. It was terrifying to even think about leaving Dunder Mifflin after so many years there, but if today taught her anything, it was that she couldn’t stay in this place forever. Her best friend was truly gone now, and it was bad enough having to pass Roy on the way into work every morning. No one should have to put up with Michael forever, and after all, she didn’t want to be a receptionist there always. Maybe she should even move, get out of Scranton for good. There weren’t many opportunities for an aspiring artist. New York was too expensive with her minimal savings, but there were other places, other small communities with more thriving arts. Maybe she could find a small gallery somewhere, answer phones there, meet some other artists and get some inspiration to improve her work. Or maybe she should call Jan, ask her about that graphic design internship. She didn’t have to leave Dunder Mifflin to leave Scranton, and at least the company could be her safety net as she tried something new all by herself. She could ease herself into the independence, one weekend at a time, until she was finally ready to get away for good. And Jim would be so proud, she added mentally, immediately hating herself for even thinking it. This was supposed to be for her, not for him, but she just wasn’t sure that was even possible anymore. The apartment, the art classes, the new Pam….it was all for him. And she was starting to think maybe it always would be.
****************************************************************************
He wished he had never come back to Scranton.
Sitting across from Karen at a booth in Cooper's, sipping slowly from a frosty mug of beer, he was confident he had never been more miserable. Maybe if this little get-together was taking place in Stamford it would be a completely different story. He liked Karen. He really liked Karen. She was smart and funny and fun to be around, but not in the same ways as Pam. For the first time, looking at another woman didn’t automatically make him think of Pam and remind him of all the painful feelings she left him with in May. When he left Scranton, he was pretty sure he was never going to be able to date again. Falling in love and then having his heart shattered into a million pieces wasn’t really a good omen for future relationships. He wasn’t even dating Pam when she crushed him, so he really wasn’t anxious to give someone else that kind of power over him, the ability to completely ruin his life and send him packing to another state altogether.
The human will was obviously more resilient than he expected because here he was, having a drink with his….girlfriend? Were they there yet? He told Pam he was seeing someone, but he and Karen hadn’t really had “the talk” yet, and he wasn’t sure he was ready for that anywhere. She moved here for you, you big idiot, a little voice in the back of his head told him, but he just took another sip of his beer and ignored what the voice told him. He really wasn’t ready to consider the implications of what Karen did to be with him. Maybe she was just trying to save herself the hassle of a job search, but he had a feeling it had a lot more to do with him. That was a pretty big leap for someone who really didn’t know anything about him.
Which brought him back to point one. He really wished he gave up his job instead of moving back to Scranton. He got cocky when he started having feelings for Karen. He thought he was getting over it and moving on. Coming back to Scranton wouldn’t be so hard if he was over Pam. But then there she was this morning, that thousand watt light-up-the-room smile practically blinding him the moment he walked in the door, her face filled with so much hope and excitement, excitement to see him. She looked more beautiful than he remembered, especially with her happiness radiating throughout their small office. He couldn’t help smiling back at her and accepting her rather exuberant hug, but the moment she touched him he felt like an electric shock was coursing through him. And as soon as that brief moment of excitement and euphoria passed, he felt as pathetic as he had for three years sitting on the sidelines watching her with Roy. Here he was, supposedly dating someone else, and he still wasn’t over her.
“Earth to Jim?” Karen called from across the table, raising her eyebrows expectantly.
“Oh, I’m sorry. What?” he asked, feeling his cheeks flush a little at being caught.
“What’s wrong with you? You’re like a million miles away,” she noted as she took a sip of her beer.
“I’m fine,” he answered quickly.
“Jim.”
“It’s a little weird,” he admitted.
“Being back here? Or here in general? ‘Cause I’ve gotta tell you, I’ve been here one day and I can already see why you transferred,” she said wryly.
Oddly, he found himself bristling just a little at the implied insult to everyone at the branch. Yes, they were a rather….eccentric bunch. And yes, they all – especially Dwight – could drive him crazy sometimes. “Stamford wasn’t that much better,” he tried to point out. “I mean, come on, Call of Duty? And Andy singing a capella and calling me Big Tuna? Or how about-”
“Okay, I get your point. Dunder Mifflin breeds craziness.”
He laughed aloud at this and took another big gulp of his beer, hoping to push thoughts of Pam to the back of his mind. That ship set sail a long time ago, and it was far past time to just let go. “They’re good people,” he managed to say. “Except for Dwight. Dwight is everything wrong in the world. But everyone else…they’re all really, really nice,” he said seriously. “You get used to the craziness.”
“If they’re so great, why did you leave?” she asked curiously.
He opened his mouth to say something, but unfortunately, nothing came out. He couldn’t tell her about Pam. Not yet, anyway. If she really was his girlfriend, the last thing she wanted to hear about was his unrequited love for the receptionist working just a few feet away from them. Besides, he wasn’t really sure he was ready to share his heart quite that much with someone he didn’t even really know all that well. “Better money,” he finally shrugged. “It was a promotion. Wouldn’t you take it?”
Karen narrowed her eyes a little, almost like she didn’t believe him, then shrugged and took another sip of her beer. “Yeah, I guess I would,” she agreed. “So what were you going to say? About it being weird?”
“It’s just surreal, I guess. Being back here. I didn’t really think I’d ever be back here, and it all happened so fast. I can’t believe about Josh,” he shook his head, attempting to move the subject a safer distance away from Pam.
“Don’t get me started,” she sighed. “I mean, I guess I can understand taking a better position like that, especially with Dunder Mifflin performing the way it has been.”
“You can understand?” he asked incredulously.
“Well, yeah,” she shrugged. “It’s just business. You have to go with the opportunity. But I would never be able to just sell everyone out like that. I mean, he let us all think we were safe with our jobs, and then….we’re in Scranton.”
“At least we still have jobs,” he pointed out.
“I haven’t decided if that’s good or bad just yet,” she quipped. “Maybe you were onto something with New York.”
He tried to laugh a little, but truthfully, he wondered if maybe New York would have been better than this. Before he could follow that chain of thought, a large figure suddenly stepped up beside the table. “Halpert,” Roy said loudly, smacking him a little too hard on the back and causing him to slosh some of his beer onto the table. Clearly, the other man was already drunk, and Roy Anderson was the last person he wanted to see right now.
“Oh, hey Roy,” he forced himself to answer politely.
“I heard about Stanford,” Roy responded, frowning to himself as he realised that wasn’t quite right. “Or whatever,” he shook his head, not bothering to correct it. “Tough luck, man.”
“Yeah, real tough,” Jim agreed, tossing Karen a look to discourage her from saying anything. “What are you gonna do? At least I still have my job, so you know, it’s not all bad. How’ve you been?”
“Great, man,” he said enthusiastically. “Really great. I mean, I’m sure by now you’ve heard the news about-”
“Yeah, yeah, I heard about that,” he quickly cut him off before he could mention Pam’s name. “That sucks, Dude.”
“Whatever,” Roy laughed drunkenly. “Probably the best thing that could happen to me. I mean, come on, you know what she-”
Again, Jim was quick to interrupt him, but this time it wasn’t to save his own skin. He really couldn’t take this asshole saying anything bad about Pam, and with all the people in the bar and Roy talking as loud as he was, someone else was bound to hear him. “Hey, you know what, Roy? I think we’re about to get out of here. Work, you know. Gotta get up early. Good to see you, though.”
“Yeah, yeah,” Roy agreed, slapping him again on the back. “See you around, Halpert.”
“Let’s hope not,” he muttered under his breath, too quiet for even Karen to hear him.
“Friend of yours?” Karen asked in bemusement when Roy returned to the bar for another drink.
“Not really. He works in the warehouse.”
“He seems to be having a good time,” she laughed.
“Yeah, I think he usually does,” he answered, trying incredibly hard not to sound bitter about it. He glanced over again to the bar and saw Roy and Darryl chugging beers together, and for the thousandth time, he wondered how in the world someone like Roy could actually make it ten years with someone like Pam while he couldn’t make it past one secret kiss in the dark and a quietly whispered, “ I can’t.” At least she didn’t go through with the wedding, but he wasn’t going to kid himself and think it had anything to do with his parking lot confession and the subsequent kiss. If it had, he would have found out about the broken engagement from her, not in an e-mail from Phyllis. And if it had, he probably wouldn’t be sitting across from Karen right now.
He instantly felt guilty for even thinking that and tried to shake the remaining thoughts of Pam from his mind. “You ready to get out of here?” he asked Karen.
“Yeah, definitely,” she nodded.
They both rose, and after a brief moment of contemplation, he reached over and took her hand to walk her out of the bar. One step at a time, Jim, he told himself. One step at a time.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Okay, I promise stuff will start happening soon, just gotta get through the merger and all that! Thanks for the reviews! I really appreciate everyone who's reading this and giving me comments. Writing Jim and Pam is still pretty new for me, so I'm trying to figure them out and give them the voices I feel like they should have. Hope you enjoy!
