The brown dress she wore to the wedding lay on the floor in a crumpled heap, the satin material reflecting broken beams of moonlight spilling in through the blinds. Her artsits’s eye should find it beautiful, but as she stared at it, Pam realised it looked exactly how she imagined regret would look if given a physical form. When she shimmied into the dress before the ceremony, there was a brief moment she felt lovely. It was the first dress she bought herself in quite a long time, and she liked the way she looked in it. The colour complimented her, she brushed on more makeup than usual, and she spent almost an hour playing with her hair to get it just right. Once, just once, she wasn’t going to feel so miserably inferior to Karen. Maybe if she looked beautiful tonight, Jim would look at her again with that longing she used to see in his eyes. Maybe he would look at her and realise he still loved her.
Well, he did look at her tonight. She caught that familiar expression, a curious combination of regret and desire, but all too soon, his gazed returned to the more exotic beauty who now occupied his heart. There was so much unfulfilled promise between them, so many unanswered questions. Of course he could get caught up in the past, in what could have been, but unlike her, he no longer called that dreamland home. He spent his life rooted in their present reality instead of hopelessly entangled in former fantasies. In her hurt and grieving, she turned to the one person she swore she was done with. Instead of coming home to her cold empty apartment to cry over her loneliness, she sought comfort in the arms of the man she once believed she loved.
It wasn’t entirely about Jim. Her disappointment wasn’t the only reason she wound up leaving with Roy tonight. It had been incredibly sweet of them to pay Kevin’s band to play their song. Such acts of sentimentality usually weren’t his style, and it was a pleasant surprise for him to take some initiative to show how much he still cared. She had seen the way he looked at her sometimes, the sad eyes that followed her from her car to the office door, but she never really let herself think about him missing her. Then he danced with her to their song, and for one brief moment, she felt like maybe she could love him again.
Now, however, laying in his bed once more and staring at him as he slept, she felt more alone than ever. The night started with rationalisations, but it ended as it always did with regret. At first she told herself he was here, he was real, he was something she could hold onto. The sound of his deep breathing broke the silence she’d become accustomed to, and it was nice to feel warm for once. He wasn’t Jim – no one else could be – but at least he was actually here with her. At least he still wanted her. Maybe she couldn’t have rapturous joy, but she could have more than TV dinners and lonely glasses of wine. It was right to end the engagement; she never doubted that. Being alone did allow her to explore who she was, and she no longer needed Roy or Jim to define her. She became her own person and stood up for herself, showed Roy she wasn’t going to take the abuse any longer. She didn’t do all those brave, bold things she said she would, didn’t take the internship or leave Dunder Mifflin, but she didn’t have to do any of those things to be Fancy New Beesly. She lived on her own, she supported herself, and she even bought a new car with no one’s assistance. Proving herself to be a strong, capable, independent woman showed Roy she wouldn’t be his doormat anymore, and tonight he showed her he understood. Maybe with all this newfound respect for herself, he would begin to respect her as well. After all, he swore things would be different. He cried, told her how much he missed her, vowed never to take advantage of her again. He said he realised what an ass he’d been and he knew he didn’t deserve a second chance. Being away from her made him face the reality of what he’d become, and he didn’t want to be that person anymore. He wanted to shower her how he changed, wanted to show her how much he needed her.
It all sounded so nice after the day she’d had. Watching Jim and Karen together always felt like a punch to the gut, but at a wedding? She felt like she could barely breathe. That alone was enough to make this on her top five list of worst days ever, but to top it all off, Phyllis had stolen all of her wedding plans, right down to the dress. Every detail Pam so painstakingly arranged was now played out in front of her, only it wasn’t her wedding. It was someone else’s. Someone else with all the things she was supposed to have. Someone else enjoying the fruits of her labour. Someone else living the happy life Pam so desperately craved for herself. Surely Phyllis just hadn’t realised how cruel it was, but it still left her reeling and stinging and desperate for comfort. When it wasn’t Jim there to hug her and make it okay, she didn’t even care that it was Roy.
Until now. She briefly considered climbing out of the bed, slipping back into the dress, and promptly seeing herself to the exit. She knew from ten years of experience he wouldn’t notice if she left. He wouldn’t have a clue she was gone until late tomorrow morning, at which point she could be safely locked away in her own apartment, far far away from Roy and the disaster that was their relationship. He might come by, but he didn’t have a key. He might call her, but she could tell him it was a mistake and they were through. He might be bold enough to confront her at work, but even if he was, he wouldn’t invite trouble by getting physical in front of their co-workers. A few minutes of humiliation and it could all be over.
Somehow, however, she knew she would do no such thing. He cried and pleaded and promised, but he was still the same Roy. He hadn’t always been physical about his anger, but it was always there. She was never good enough for him, and from the beginning she was afraid her inadequacies would drive him away. He reinforced those beliefs until she was terrified she would lose him if she denied him anything. He always exerted power over her, even before he packed his power into a fist. And she was still afraid of him. She was bold enough to face that fear once, but she had the promise of Jim then. She had his words echoing in her ear, his kiss still burning her lips. She felt his hands cupping her cheeks the last time she told Roy no, and it was enough to keep her strong. Now there was nothing to fight for. Jim didn’t love her anymore. He might even be in love with someone else, someone prettier, someone far more appropriate and perfect for him. It was good, it was right for him to be happy now, but he was the only one who could give her the strength to walk away from Roy. Without him, she was stuck. And without him, she didn’t care.
****************************************************************************
He saw them leave the wedding together, but he tried to pretend she just needed a ride home, or better yet, they were both leaving at the same time and just walked out together. It really wasn’t any of his business what they decided to do, but just the thought of Pam and Roy together was enough to make him regret that last drink as it began to churn miserably in his stomach. He was in a bad mood the rest of the night, and after a pleasant, fun evening with Karen, things took a sour turn on the way home. They said terse goodnights to one another, then she fell asleep and left him to stare up at the ceiling all night.
For the next few days, he managed to keep up the illusion that nothing more serious than an amicable chat occurred between Pam and Roy. He told himself he just wanted better for Pam, but the way his stomach dropped to his feet when Roy walked in a few days after the wedding was a clear indication he wasn’t fooling anybody. Roy headed straight to reception and handed Pam some lunch, and though Jim couldn’t hear anything they said, she smiled a little and gratefully accepted the offering. Roy lingered for a few more minutes and then leaned over the desk to kiss her lightly on the cheek before returning to the warehouse. Jim watched the entire exchange from over the top of the paperwork he was pretending to fill out, his heart sinking as he put the pieces together.
Pam and Roy were back together.
Of course they were. It never took her long, did it? She always went back to him. Always.
Phyllis sent him an e-mail when he was in Stamford, telling him all about the cancelled wedding. And then Michael insisted on sharing the news as well. He had been happy for her – overjoyed, really. He never liked Roy, and he always knew someone as wonderful as Pam deserved way more than Roy Anderson. Part of him wanted to pick up the phone and call her as soon as he heard the news, but as soon as his fingers pressed the first number, he realised she had made no attempt to contact him. He heard the news from Phyllis, not from her. And she rejected him anyway. He threw himself out there to sink or swim, and she watched him sink. Twice.
Obviously, she didn’t want him. Maybe he woke her up to the reality that Roy was not the one she wanted, either, but she sure as hell wasn’t doing anything to get in touch with him and tell him that much.
So he didn’t call. He didn’t e-mail. Didn’t text or IM like he so desperately wanted to. Enough was enough. He pined after her for years, and it was time to stop watching his life pass him by. Pam Beesly was not in love with him, and he needed to let go of that dream before he wished his entire life away for nothing.
He thought he did a pretty admirable job at moving on. Stamford was a lot better than Scranton. Dunder Mifflin seemed to be breeding ground for craziness, but it still wasn’t as unbelievable as the Scranton branch. Andy was fun to mess with, and he still enjoyed pranking Dwight from afar, but for the most part, he was acting like a grown up with a real responsibility. He took his work a lot more seriously in Connecticut than he ever did in Pennsylvania, and that probably had a lot to do with the lack of a certain receptionist distracting him so often.
And then there was Karen. He never expected to find someone so fast, but then she was just there. One drunken ride home and he had a girlfriend. Karen was good for him on so many levels, the first of which being the simple fact that she wasn’t Pam. She wasn’t engaged, she was interested in him, and she gave him hope that he would be okay. Maybe he could move on with his life after all.
After so many months of desperation and depression, Karen was like waking up and finally seeing the sun again. It was hard letting go of the past, forgetting what he used to want and dream of, but at least he was starting to see it was possible. He didn’t have to be in love with someone who didn’t want him forever. He could actually see himself falling for Karen, maybe someday having a life with her. It was still early for that, but for the first time in an incredibly long time, he felt hopeful.
Even after that first awkward day, coming back to Scranton had been a lot harder than he expected. Pam looked absolutely haunted most of the time, and he started to wonder if maybe she did have feelings for him after all. He didn’t want to give into that, didn’t want to fall back into that trap. The waiting and the wondering had sent him into such a spiralling depression before, and he just couldn’t go through that again. So he turned her down when she asked him out for coffee and ignored the wistful glances she sent his way. They pretended to be friends again, but they weren’t, not really.
So why did it bother him so much that she was back with Roy? It should have been a sign to him. Maybe Roy coming by today should have been the final nail in the coffin of a relationship that never was. That nail should have been driven in long ago, especially since he started dating Karen, but as his stomach churned at the sight of Roy Anderson, he realised he hadn’t given up on her. Not yet. Not completely, anyway. Maybe he would never be able to really let her go, even though there must have been some reason for her to take Roy back. At the end of the day when Roy was done being a self-absorbed, ignorant, disrespectful asshole, he must have done something right to make Pam love him.
So what was the secret, and what did Jim do wrong? He offered her so much more, but she rejected it. What could possibly be so wonderful about Roy that she didn’t mind if he walked all over her, contually disappointed her, and attempted to crush all her dreams. Though her rejection nearly destroyed him, his heart breaks even more at the thought of her going home every night to a man who will never respect and love her the way she deserves, someone who cannot accept that she dreams of more than answering phones and helping Michael with all his ridiculous plans. Pam is too smart and to wonderful to be a receptionist forever. She is too talented to waste away her life transferring calls at Dunder Mifflin, and he would do anything to see her with someone who would actually respect that. Maybe it could never be him, but he really wished it wasn’t Roy.
She made it clear, however, that it should not be his concern. She made it clear when she said no – twice. She made it clear when she didn’t bother to call him after she cancelled the wedding.
Is it possible that you hurt her just as badly when you left without a word? She didn’t have much time to process what you told her, he reminded himself for the hundredth time. You’d had a long time to think about it. You gave her all of about five minutes to ask her to leave everything she’d known behind and take a chance on something that came with no guarantees.
She did cancel the wedding. She did call it off, despite her assertion at Casino Night that she was going to go through with it. Something changed, and even though he’s been back in Scranton for a while, he never bothered to ask her what it was for fear that it would stop him from moving on. Because you’re really doing a bang-up job with that anyway, the annoying voice in his head chided him.
He attempted to push all those thoughts from his mind and looked back down at the work piled up on his desk. Karen is his girlfriend now, and Pam is back with Roy. Whatever happened – whatever could have happened – ended months ago. He needs to learn to be okay with that. Maybe he should try again to be her friend. After all, it’s obviously impossible not to care about her. She’s still his favourite person to joke with, his favourite person to look up and see during the work day, and probably the only person who loves making fun of Dwight as much as he does. It isn’t enough, but it has to be, and someday it will. At least, that’s what he told himself as he tried once more to focus on the paperwork in front of him.
Then she sighed. Quietly, but he still heard it and looked up again. She pushed her lunch to the side, apparently more interested in work than in the meal Roy dropped off for her. That couldn’t be a good sign. No one at Dunder Mifflin was ever more interested in work than a potential distraction from work, especially Pam. His first urge was to jump up from his desk and go over to talk to her, just to do a little reconnaissance and make sure everything was okay. She should be happy now that she and Roy were back together, but her expression said just the opposite. That little voice inside his head told him to go over there, just to take some jelly beans or come up with a prank to play on Dwight. He could make her smile again, and then maybe she would remember why she broke up with Roy in the first place.
The bastard was not good enough for her. He never was, still isn’t, and never will be.
“Hey,” a familiar voice said, interrupting him from his musings. He looked up, feeling his cheeks turn red as though he’d been caught, and saw Karen standing in front of him with a smile on her face.
He attempted to shake free all thoughts of Pam and forced himself to focus on his girlfriend, then felt like an ass for having to do that in the first place. Enough. This is enough now. You have a girlfriend. “Hey,” he smiled back.
“You wanna go grab some lunch? I’m starving.”
“Yeah, sure,” he agreed, abandoning his work and grabbing his jacket from the back of his chair. As he walked by reception, his hand found its way to the small of Karen’s back. He saw the way Pam immediately turned her gaze to her computer, averting her eyes from the scene, and he was torn between guilt and satisfaction. Guilt because he did it on purpose, satisfaction because it worked. He was hurting them both, whether they knew it or not, and he really wasn’t sure how to stop it.
Much, much later in the day, a strange thought occurred to him. He was watching Dwight eat some strange concotion almost certainly made from beets, wondering how in the world he ended up at a place like this, and suddenly it just popped into his head.
Pam always went back to him. No matter what he did to her, no matter what he said or how he humiliated her, she took him back. The conclusion made perfect sense, logically speaking, but Pam? No. Impossible. It was a crazy idea, and almost as soon as he thought of it, he disregarded it as sheer boredom attempting to play tricks on his mind. If he would just focus on work – or at least Karen – he wouldn’t be analysing Pam’s relationship and trying to figure out any little thing that might be off. Pathetic, he thought to himself, shaking his head in self-deprecation.
When five o’clock finally rolled around, he shut down his computer and grabbed his coat from the back of his chair, heading towards the front door. Once more, the pesky little thought popped into his brain. He briefly considered stopping to talk to her, just for a moment. Friends did things like that, and more than anything, he just wanted to be her friend again. Though he managed to convince himself his idea was completely absurd, it was obvious all was not right in her world. Then again, it had been a boring day today – moreso than usual. Michael was oddly quiet, and other than the beet concoction, even Dwight had done little to amuse them and break the monotony of a full eight hours spent at Dunder Mifflin. And maybe all of it was just hard to get used to. Maybe he was making up problems that weren’t really there. Maybe he wanted her to need him and subconsciously made up reasons for that to happen. Maybe she was struggling with their lack of communication, the odd distance between them. But it would get better, and he couldn’t force it. As much as he wanted to talk to her, it would probably be a bad idea right now. So he turned to look for Karen instead. Beautiful, smart, ambitious Karen. His girlfriend, Karen. Karen who moved to Scranton for him. Karen who just wanted to make this work. Karen who accepted him with all his flaws and his hang-up with a certain relationship. Karen who understood how hard this was for him and held on anyway.
His girlfriend smiled at him and hurried to catch up so they could walk out together. This time he didn’t try to shove it in Pam’s face and offered her a quick wave as he walked by the front desk. “Bye, Pam.” Easy, smooth, casual. Hinting of nothing other than inter-office friendship. And he didn’t wait for her to answer before he and Karen left the building to head back to his place for pizza and television.
Hours later, he and Karen were lying comfortably on the couch, her head relaxed against his shoulder as his arm looped around her. They were both silent, half-watching television and half-lost in their own thoughts. For once, he managed to stop thinking about Pam and imagining what she was doing, content, for now, to be with his girlfriend. Maybe this wasn’t how he pictured things working out for him, maybe Pam was the one who filled his dreams, but Karen was the one with him. Karen was the one who could give him what he wanted and needed. She was more than willing, and he would be crazy not to take her up on it. It was long past time to grow up and forget about the girl he couldn’t have. In another life maybe they could have been together, but he needed to learn to be okay with this life. As Karen sighed and pressed her head a little further into his shoulder, he decided it might not be so hard to get used to this after all.
Author's Chapter Notes:
It still doesn't belong to me! Thanks for reading and reviewing!
