It didn’t take long for Roy to settle into the old familiar patterns. She wisely decided not to make a copy of her apartment key, but she wasn’t sure it mattered all that much. A week after the wedding, Roy started coming by her apartment to pick her up in the morning. The first couple of days she thought it was sweet. By the third or fourth, she started to get a little annoyed. By the second week, he was back to honking his horn at her and yelling when she had to run back inside to grab something she forgot. Gone was the sweet gesture of given her a ride to work, replaced instead by his domineering, inconsiderate ways.
And that was how it happened the first time.
“I want you to stop picking me up, Roy,” she said bluntly as they pulled into the Dunder Mifflin parking lot. She accidentally left her cell phone plugged into charger by her bed this morning, and he let her hear what an inconvenience she was when she had to add that extra minute and a half to their morning commute. They exchanged some angry words and then settled into stony silence, but she was ready to call him on this before it got any worse.
“Pammy, come on,” he rolled his eyes.
“And don’t call me ‘Pammy,’” she shot back. She always hated that stupid nickname, and he knew it.
“Okay, Pam.”
How articulate of you, Roy, she thought as she started to climb out of the car. “I’m serious. I have my own car. I can drive myself to work.” She was about to step out of the truck when his hand suddenly locked around her wrist and pulled her back with startling force, causing her to gasp aloud in surprise and in pain. He gripped hard enough to leave a bruise before abruptly letting go and sinking back in his seat. He sighed loudly and just stared out the window for a moment while they both processed what just happened.
“I’m sorry,” he finally managed after a solid minute of silence.
“Of course you are,” she answered bitterly. “You always are.”
“Come on, Pam, that’s not fair.”
“You told me things were going to be different,” she argued. “You told me you weren’t going to do this anymore.”
“I didn’t hurt you,” he tried to defend himself. “I just didn’t want you to leave before we talked about this.”
“Yeah, well, you could just ask me instead of yanking my arm. And it did hurt, Roy.”
“I’m sorry,” he repeated. “But you know I didn’t mean to.”
“That’s not the point.”
“Pam.”
“Forget it. I’m going to be late.” Quickly, she opened the car door and jumped out
before he had a chance to react. She pulled her sleeve down over the angry marks forming on her arm and hurried inside, just hoping to make it up to her desk before Roy could come after her and continue their little argument.
She spent the next few hours reliving those moments in the truck. She avoided Jim’s gaze all morning, and she didn’t react when Dwight started recounting a story about beet farming as a child. Unfortunately there were no faxes to keep her busy and relatively few phone calls to answer, but she still managed to make herself look busy while she agonised over what had happened this morning. It was the first time he laid a hand on her since they got back together, but she remembered all too well how it started the last time.
“Where were you?” Roy’s angry voice bellowed across the darkened living room as she quietly slipped inside their apartment and shut the door. It was late – well after midnight – but she was out with some old friends from college and lost track of the time. Since she dropped out to be with Roy, she hadn’t really had a whole lot of contact with her former roommate and two of their other close friends. It was hard for her to find the time to make the drive, and of course they were too busy to come here.
“I was out with my friends, Roy,” she answered, already unreasonably angry with him. Being with her friends reminded her how much she was missing by not being in school anymore, and she hated this new feeling of isolation. Roy used to make her feel so giddy and happy and lucky. Now she just felt stuck. And maybe it was her fault. Maybe she wasn’t doing enough to meet new people and form new relationships, but she missed student life. Maybe she was even starting to resent him for practically forcing her to abandon her dreams of pursuing art, but she ultimately made the decision herself and she knew she had to live with it.
“I thought you would be home before now.”
“I never told you what time I was coming home,” she answered irritably. “I told you I was having dinner with the girls.”
“Dinner, Pam,” he repeated harshly. “That was at six. Where did you go that it took you six hours to eat dinner?”
“We went out for drinks afterwards! Since when is that a problem? You certainly do it all the time,” she found herself saying before she had a chance to censor herself. She immediately knew it was a mistake, and within seconds, Roy was up off the couch and storming across the room.
“What did you just say?” he demanded, grabbing her wrist with his large hand.
“I’m sorry,” she apologised quickly. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that.”
“What did you say, Pam,” he repeated.
“Let go of me,” she requested meekly, starting to get a little scared of him and the fire in his eyes. They had some heated arguments before, and he had grabbed her wrist before, but she could already feel the bruises forming, and she couldn’t ever recall him looking this furious. “We can talk about this, but let go of me,” she tried again, hoping her voice didn’t shake and betray her fear. When he just locked his grip even tighter, she took a deep, steadying breath and willed herself to stay calm. “You go out for drinks with the guys all the time, Roy. I’m sorry if you thought I would be home earlier. I guess I should have called to tell you what was going on,” she admitted. Truthfully, she had considered it. She knew he would want to know where she was and what she was doing, but her girlfriends had never really liked Roy that much. She could tell they were biting their tongues to keep from saying anything about her new life in a tiny apartment in Scranton, and she didn’t want to fuel the problem by insisting on calling Roy with an update before they left the restaurant.
“Damn right you should have,” he agreed, though his anger didn’t seem at all defused.
“Okay, I said I was sorry. Let go of me,” she insisted, attempting to wriggle her wrist free. That only made him more angry, and before she even knew what was happening, she felt her back make contact with the wall. She cried out in fear and pain, her eyes growing wide and a jolt of panic running down her spine. Roy was right on top of her now, and she could smell the beer on his breath. There would be no reasoning with him now, no talking him down.
Thankfully, she didn’t have to. A hot tear spilled from her eye, and as soon as he saw it, he abruptly let go of her. She scrambled for the wall, trying not to fall, and then instinctively moved out of his reach. “Pam,” he breathed, his voice thick with remorse.
A crushing wave of emotion seemed to assault her, and it hurt far more than the bruises forming on her wrist and back. “What the hell, Roy?” she asked as she began to cry.
“Oh my God, Pam,” he whispered, slowly stepping forward and attempting to hug her.
“Don’t touch me!” she yelled, once more stepping away from him. “Just…leave me alone.”
She stormed off to bed that night and locked the door to their bedroom so he couldn’t get in. He proceeded to knock on the door and beg her to talk to him for another hour before giving up. She pretended to be asleep the whole time, but he probably heard her tell-tale sniffling as she cried quietly to herself.
The next morning, she didn’t say anything when she unlocked the door and opened it just slightly. When she emerged from her shower, Roy was sitting on the bed with a bouquet of flowers and a sheepish expression. He apologised profusely, shed a few tears, promised he would never do anything that crazy or stupid again, and she believed him. It hadn’t been a big deal, he hadn’t really hurt her that bad, and she was the one who didn’t call him. So she forgave him and let it go, believing he would never lay a hand on her again.
A few weeks and another fight later, he slapped her. He cried again and brought another bouquet of flowers. By the third time, he abandoned flowers in favour of more extravagant gifts. There were even more tears and even more apologies, and those first few days afterwards were downright blissful with him treating her like a special treasure and doing all of the work around the apartment. And then eventually it just became her life. Sometimes she admittedly did something to provoke his anger, other times she did nothing at all. Sometimes she pissed him off and he just yelled, other times she was sore for days. He became infinitely more controlling, but strangely, also more aloof. He noticed less and less when she wore something nice or cooked something special. He wanted her home more and more but was home less and less. He called and asked for her to cook dinner, then didn’t come home until after midnight, smelling of beer and smoke.
Is that where my life is going? she asked herself as she numbly made copies of some report someone had handed her. Is that where my life is going again? She finally wised up and got out of there, but suddenly she felt trapped once more. She could say things were going to be different. She could insist on not giving him a key and taking separate cars to work in the morning, but it might just be inevitable. Maybe their time apart had made him realise how wrong he was. Maybe losing her had been the wake-up call he needed to get his life back on track, but how many times had he cried and apologised and sworn it would never happen again? Too many times to count, she thought bitterly.
She put the stack of copies in the proper file and returned to her desk. As usual, she couldn’t stop her eyes from wandering over to their favourite resting spot – Jim. Even thinking his name anymore sent shivers down her spine and filled her with a confusing mess of emotions. God, she missed him so much. She missed him without knowing what it was like to be with him. She missed him just being…him. She missed pranks and jokes and smiles and all those things that made her feel okay to be Pam Beesly, to be in this place at this time. He inspired her to be bold, to be independent, to ultimately save herself from Roy, and now they barely even talked. He was trying, she knew, but how could they salvage what was lost? And why couldn’t he see that she did it for him? She may have broken his heart the night she turned him down, but she also saved her from a far worse fate than a few tears and lonely nights. If she had left Roy for him, he would have been a dead man. Roy would never let him get away with it, and if he didn’t kill him, he would at least do significant harm. Jim looked like the kind of guy who could take care of himself, but she knew he would try to be calm and rational and cool, maybe even attempt to joke his way out of the situation, but it would only make Roy even more angry. And Roy was a big guy. In a weird way that seemed to suit her life, she did the best thing she could ever do for Jim when she looked him in the eye and told him she was still marrying Roy.
For the rest of the day, she sat at her desk in a contemplative haze, trying to figure out how to steer her way back to happiness. It struck her then that she didn’t really remember much pure joy in her life unless it was somehow related to Jim Halpert. Enough already, her mind chided her. It’s getting pathetic now. He’s with Karen. He’s happy with Karen. They’re great together. You have to let this go. Until she did, there would be no real friendship with him, and she at least needed that much in her life.
She was debating whether or not letting go of Jim could mean holding on to Roy when he appeared at her desk with a weary smile. There was something about that smile, something about his strong presence and the familiarity of it all, and she made up her mind. She could do this. She had loved Roy once and maybe still could. They wouldn’t have lasted ten years if those years weren’t rooted in something deep, and they could find that again if she would just be herself, be assertive, stop acting so timid and afraid of him all the time. “Hey, Michael left early, so a bunch of us are going to go to Poor Richard’s for happy hour. You should come,” she smiled at him.
“I can’t,” he shook his head. “My brother, he just unloaded the jet skis and kinda took a bath, so we’re going to go get hammered.”
“Okay, well, we’re going to a bar,” she said pointedly. “Hey. You have to come to stuff with me. If you’re going to be my boyfriend, you have to do boyfriend things.”
Roy actually looked a little impressed, and she inwardly congratulated herself as she gathered her things to head over to the bar. Yeah, maybe she could do this after all. Jim was moving on, taking fancy Karen to their fancy party and probably impressing everyone with his charm and quick wit. She didn’t belong there. She belonged here, in her normal life with her normal boyfriend. And she could be okay with that.
After a few drinks, she felt the smile returning to her face. She was having a good time. Jim wasn’t here, but she was still having fun. She knew she was probably beaming as she went over to the bar and ordered their drinks, but she really didn’t care if she looked ridiculous. She didn’t even worry about handing back the beer and correcting him on her order. Old Pam would have let it slide and kept the beer she didn’t want. New Pam wasn’t going to be so overly submissive. That version of herself never got what she wanted, and this new sparkly version wasn’t going to do the same. She forgot about the affectionate way Jim touched Karen as they walked by her desk earlier today. Instead she laughed and smiled with Roy, reminisced and made plans with Roy. Her heart filled again, her life no longer empty and lonely. This is going to work, she thought happily. Maybe it wasn’t the dream life, maybe it wasn’t the faerie tale she once imagined, but it could be enough. Jim was the one who inspired this change in her, and he would always be with her. Roy was the one she could settle down with, build a life with. She could make this work.
Armed with that confidence and the pride of New Pam, she made a decision. Emboldened by the beers and feeling on top of the world, she opened her mouth and suddenly told him the truth about Jim and Casino Night. It was the main reason she called off the wedding, and she needed him to know that so they could move on together. Yes, he hurt her and took advantage of her, but she had been content to live with that until Jim confessed his love. Those few words changed everything, and Roy needed to understand how conflicted she was, how torn and confused. He needed to know to be gentle with her, to comprehend why she did even though it made him furious.
Of course, Roy was the same old Roy. He never changed. She should know that by now, but for one moment, she needed to believe in him She needed to believe so she wouldn’t have to drown in despair as she watched Jim and Karen together. But as soon as the familiar rage flashed in his eyes, she realised the last hour, the last few days, the last week….it had all been a huge mistake.
To his credit, he kept his anger in check long enough to pay the bill. He was strangely silent, seething underneath, but outwardly calm and pleasant. No one else could see the hand locked firmly around her wrist, and her co-workers would probably giggle a bit to themselves as they watched them slip out the door. She knew better than to resist as he guided her outside, but her stomach flipped over as he roughly pulled her behind the bar where they could not be seen or heard.
She learned how to be quiet years ago. Screaming would make him more angry and make this a lot more painful for her, so she kept as silent as possible. Even as people came and went from the small bar, he managed to hit her without arousing any suspicion. His car was still at work, so everyone would just assume they walked back to the parking lot and headed home for the night. She should probably be outraged, but really, all she felt was relief. The last thing she needed was for everyone to hear about this, to share in this indignity with her. She never called the police, never wanted to deal with that, and she never wanted anyone to know and pity her. By protecting himself from scrutiny, he was protecting her from humiliation.
Within a few minutes, his anger peaked and then faded. He tossed her to the side with a grunt and then abruptly stormed off without another word. She carefully lowered herself to the ground and leaned against the brick wall, holding her breath as she watched him disappear into the truck and speed off into the night. When he was finally gone, she let out a shaky sigh of relief. She tasted blood and tears, but she was free. Everything hurt, but it was over. For good. He would probably ask for her to forgive him again, but she would never be able to do that. She took him back, tried to be truthful and brave and bold, but that was never what he wanted. And despite what just happened, she was no longer the meek little girl that would let it continue. New Pam would not tolerate this the way Old Pam would. She would not call him back. She would not answer his calls. They would not talk of reconciliation. He had his chance, and now she could be done with him forever. Freedom, she thought as tears continued to course down her cheeks. She closed her eyes and savored the knowledge that she was alive and thinking clearly once more, finally rid of Roy forever.
Along with clarity of thought, however, came the realisation that she was cold. She reached for her purse and started to dig for her keys before remembering he drove her to work this morning. Her heart sank with the revelation. She couldn’t call a cab in her current condition, but how else could she get home? Her mom was hours away, and it would break her heart anyway. She didn’t want to call Angela, not really up for being judged right now, and she would probably insist on reporting it. Everyone else was inside, and she couldn’t walk back in there and let them all know what just happened to her. So who else was there? Roy cut her off from all her other social outlets long ago, and she never really rebuilt any of those relationships she lost.
The answer was obvious, but she didn’t want to do it. The party was probably over by now, but she didn’t want him to see her like this. He was supposed to be protected from the truth, not the only eyewitness to it. But he would come. He would help her. He wouldn’t or condemn her, just get her home and make sure she was safe for the night. Honestly, she couldn’t think of anyone else she wanted right now, but this was the one thing she swore she would never do.
Sucking up her pride, she located her cell phone at the bottom of her purse and dialled the familiar numbers before she had a chance to rethink her decision. It rung three times – enough to make her a little nervous – but then he answered. “Hey, um, it’s Pam,” she said, forcing herself to sound normal even as the tears continued to fall.
He paused for a long moment before answering. “Hey,” he finally annswered. “What’s up?”
“Nothing,” she answered automatically, feeling like an idiot right away. Nothing? Really? That was the best she could come up with? “I mean, I…” her voice wavered a little, and he noticed.
“Is everything okay?” he asked, sounding worried and tense.
“No,” she admitted. “Not really.”
Another long pause. “Can you hold on a second?”
It immediately hit her that he was with Karen. Of course he was with Karen. They’d been at the party together tonight. Did she really think he would just drop her off at home? His girlfriend? They’re happy together. They’re happy together right now. “Oh, I’m, I uh…is this a bad time?” she stammered out.
“No, it’s fine,” he assured her quickly. “Just…one second.”
She didn’t want to listen, but for some sick reason, she couldn’t tear herself away from the phone as he murmured something quietly to his girlfriend. She couldn’t make out the words, but she heard Karen’s voice, and she felt her stomach churn miserably. How could she be so stupid? Yes, Jim was really her only option, but he sounded immensely uncomfortable, and she couldn’t exactly blame him for that. His disapproval of her decision to go back to Roy was obvious, and she knew he was trying his best to move on after her rejection. Calling him was the second worst idea she had tonight, and if she didn’t know he would call right back, she would hang up right now and figure out another way home.
“Okay,” he said again after a moment, his voice a little louder and decidedly less distracted. “Sorry.”
“It’s okay,” she managed, though nothing felt further from the truth. Okay? No, she was light years from okay right now. The brief rush of adrenaline after Roy left long since disappeared, replaced with the dull ache of reality. Yes, she was free. Free to be utterly miserable. Free to admit to Jim what a fool she’d been and see how it broke his heart all over again. Free to see him suffer as he tried to help her and inevitably made things infinitely more difficult for himself.
“Hey, what’s going on?” he prodded when she offered no explanation. “What happened?”
Once more, she sucked up her pride and tried to focus on getting herself home. She could worry about everything else later. “I need a ride,” she admitted.
“You need a ride?” he repeated, obviously a little confused. “Why do you…never mind. I can come get you. Where are you?”
“Poor Richard’s,” she answered quietly. “Everyone went after work today.”
“O-kay,” he answered slowly. “What happened to your car?”
“Roy brought me today.”
There was yet another pause as he struggled to put together the pieces.
“Please, don’t ask,” she implored before he could formulate another question. “Not right now. Just…not right now.” Tears threatened to spill again, and she sniffled a little to hold them back.
“Sure,” he answered gently. “It’s okay. I’ll be right there.”
“Thank you, Jim,” she whispered.
“Anytime, you know that,” he responded sincerely. And she knew he meant it, but she really wished it was because he was still in love with her, not because he’s just a good friend with a good heart. Maybe it’s wrong, maybe it’s selfish, but God, she needs him. She needs him to be the old him, her version of him, even if it’s just for a few minutes. “You still there?” he asked when she didn’t answer.
“Yeah,” she managed. “Still here.”
“I’ll be there in just a few minutes,” he repeated.
She mumbled another thank you and tried to convince herself it would all be okay when Jim arrived. He had a way of making everything better, even when it felt like the world was crumbling around her. He could it again, and she would be okay.
Author's Chapter Notes:
I don't belong any of these characters. A few of the lines are taken from "Cocktails." The talented writers of The Office own those, not me!
I'm not really liking this chapter much. I felt like Pam was kind of all over the place. I'm just not thrilled with this story in general, and I'm getting impatient to finish it as I have a new idea I'm much more interested in! Anyway, I didn't want to procrastinate on posting it any longer, so here goes nothing.
I'm not really liking this chapter much. I felt like Pam was kind of all over the place. I'm just not thrilled with this story in general, and I'm getting impatient to finish it as I have a new idea I'm much more interested in! Anyway, I didn't want to procrastinate on posting it any longer, so here goes nothing.
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