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She thinks about dark living rooms lit by lamps with slowly dying bulbs and how she’s standing in the middle of the room when he comes out of the bathroom and there’s a song playing, something slow and soft, something that makes him wrap his arms around her waist and sway a little, his body against hers. She thinks about how he starts laughing deep in his gut, that’s where she feels it first, and then it’s spilling out of his mouth as she tilts her head back to watch him, his eyes closed. She thinks about how she starts laughing too, her head back down, cheek resting against the front of his shirt. She thinks about how she laughs until she’s crying and the song is over but they’re still swaying there, back and forth.

She thinks about how he isn’t laughing anymore, how his arms have tightened around her, how his lips are pressed against the side of her head. She thinks about how she turns her face to press her nose right there where his heart is, right there where his lungs are expanding. She thinks about how her hands move to the center of his back, palms flat and feeling the warmth of his body. She thinks about how they eventually stop swaying and everything in the world is so slow and beautiful that she’s just crying now.

She thinks about how quiet that room gets and how still everything feels. She thinks about the change that she doesn’t really feel then but only looking back, maybe his body stiffens a little or maybe her skin starts humming. She thinks about the dizzying feeling of peering over an edge and how it feels like that suddenly and she stops moving her hands on his back. She thinks about how loud his whisper seems when it comes out, how it’s like a rush of air and how she doesn’t look but knows his eyes are closed in that scared way he gets sometimes.

She thinks about how neither one of them moves at first, just stays where they are, until she looks up at him, his eyes screwed shut like that. She thinks about how his mouth feels on hers, how he kisses her so softly she barely feels it, except she does feel it, everywhere. She thinks about how she kisses him again and again because she doesn’t want to not touch him ever again.

She thinks about, “I love you,” watching him silently filling out paperwork and then the phone rings.



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