Defining Moments
Part One
There were defining moments. Moments that shone though the darkness and kept her heart beating when all she wanted to do was not feel any more. She lays there in her new apartment and listens to the sound of cars tracking up and down the street outside; she rests back into the pillow as the memory of him floats into her mind.
She watches as he runs back and forth across the warehouse floor, the neck of his grey t-shirt darkened by sweat; he sinks one basket after another and she wants to die. She can’t take her eyes of the way that his body looks and can’t stop the millions of butterflies in her stomach from whizzing about when he swipes the back of his hand across his glistening forehead.
Bodies interrupt her view as they merge in front of her; wave after wave of blurry colour and form provides respite until the picture again becomes clear and he walks into the frame. She thinks he looks taller and older maybe… something is very different and she can scarcely breathe.
There’s a little dried blood smeared on his top lip and the beginning of a nasty bruise underneath the red. For a crazy moment, she thinks that she might reach out and touch his face. He takes a long drink of water and hands her the near empty bottle and she finds that she can’t look him in the eye when he smiles and tells her to wish him luck.
Someone yells “Break-time over!” she places the bottle on the table and manages to look up just in time to catch the damp towel that was just flung at her. “Wish me luck, babe?” She watches Roy’s retreating figure as he makes his way back to the makeshift court and she is more scared than she has ever been. She is scared that she can’t look at him in the same way anymore. Lately all she can think is that she has choices and that he is just one of many - when for the longest time he was her only choice.
The minutes pass.
He catches a high pass sent up by Ryan before he hit the deck hard under a challenge from Roy. He ignores Michael pleas to pass the ball and instead runs down the court; he looks up for a split second before sending the ball into the basket.
She is watching Jim and finds that she can’t catch her breath.
Later in the office, she watches him again. His hair, still damp after his shower, is curled a little at the ends and for the second time that day she wonders what it would be like to touch him.
“Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam speaking”.
“Babe, did you ask if you could leave early for the weekend?”
“Um, I dunno Roy, everyone’s kinda busy here.” She whispered.
“Can’t you just divert the calls for a couple of hours – come on, you won’t be missed.”
“It’s not as simple as that. I need to organise something for Michael and…”
“Pam, I don’t want to be stuck in traffic for hours and that’s what will happen if we don’t get moving early okay?”
“I’ll see what I can do.”
“For Christ’s sake, you’re just the receptionist – I’m sure they’ll cope without you babe.”
“I have to go. Bye.”
He is still pissed about the basketball game when he comes by a short while later to pick her up. He makes some throwaway comment to Jim about him being Larry Bird but she can see that his pride is hurt. She should want to take Roy’s side but she finds that she can’t.
Sometimes, he would make snide insults about Jim when she would laugh and tell him about something funny that had happened at the office that day; she always chose to ignore him when all she wanted to do is to yell at him to shut up. She imagined that Roy would start up as soon as they hit the road. Grabbing her coat from the rack she held Jim’s stare for a second longer than she should have and it was like a lightening bolt had entered her body and was pummelling through her sending her nerve endings into overdrive.
The sound of the traffic increased as the rain fell hard and water flashed against the underside of cars. She loved it when it when a storm blew through town. She loved the smell of the night air in her small garden as the ground swelled to take in the water and the plants turned their faces upwards to drink.
Sleep wouldn’t come and so Pam crept outside and stood in the open doorway and breathed in the scent of the garden. Moss and honeysuckle mingled as did the smell of jasmine and the freshly cut grass. The milky glow of the moon illuminated the garden and she took in the sight of raindrops splashing and sliding down fern leaves and watched as water pooled around the base of her newly planted bay tree.
The storm has inched up the temperature a few degrees and despite the fierce wind, she wasn’t cold. Slipping off her socks, she walked out into the garden and stood at the centre with her arms outstretched and her face turned to the inky blue sky. It took seconds before her t-shirt and pyjamas were drenched. She pushed her long hair away from her face and closed her eyes. Right there in that moment she felt free. Free from the mess that she had made since breaking up with Roy and free from the pain that sucked at her core when she thought about Jim.
Rain danced on her arms and face and she opened her mouth and let some of the drops splash on her tongue. This time she wasn’t prepared for the memory when it came and it took all her strength to stay on her feet.
“I’m in love with you”.
She had covered; she had said that she couldn’t be with him and in doing so she avoided what had been staring her in the face for so long. But later when he found her in the office and without a word held her firmly in his arms and kissed her, she knew that there would never be anyone else except him. But the shock of his confession made her retreat and instead of staying there in the moment she had turned him down. She never wanted the kiss to end; when she ran her hands over his chest and brought them down to meet his hands, she felt every fibre of her being react to his touch. She wanted more than anything to kiss him again. But she didn’t and he left.
The wind cut through the trees and sent a few leaves sailing into the air. She watched as they tried to settle but as the wind continued to whip backwards and forwards she lost sight of them. She had hurt him and now it was her turn to feel the searing pain of rejection. What had she expected him to do…hang around while she got married to someone else? Did she imagine that he wouldn’t pursue a life; a life that took him out of Scranton and out of her reach? He deserved more. More than Scranton had to offer and more than she was willing to give.
But circumstance had brought him home again and they were beginning to be friends once more and it meant everything. A few days ago she had told him that she missed him and that she had called off her wedding, in part, because of him. He had told her that he felt like he had never really come back and so she told him that she wished he would. They had talked a couple of times since then but he was busy preparing for his interview and she guessed he was also busy with Karen. What could she do, ask him to act like last year had never happened? She didn’t want to take a step back and she didn’t want him to either – she just hoped that they could learn how to walk in time together again.
She wondered how his interview had gone that day and although she tried not to, if he was still in New York celebrating with Karen. Would he come back this time? He still cared for her of that she was sure but could she dare to hope that he was still in love with her. The gate had pulled free of the lock and she ran to fasten it again before it slammed against the side of the house again and woke her neighbours.
The rain fell harder and she looked up and saw the heavy clouds speed past. The night was alive with energy and she felt as though a little had been transferred to her. She spun round and round again looking at the sky until it was a swirling picture of blue and grey. She heard the banging of the gate again but this time ignored it as she slowed to a stop and tried to catch her breath. Bent over she took in a few deep breaths before she stood upright and opened her eyes.
She couldn’t quite believe that he was standing there before her. She found that she could no longer form words as he yelled “hi” over the crash of thunder that erupted over their heads – she could offer nothing in response. She was rooted to the spot and unable to concentrate on anything other than breathing.
The seconds ticked away before he eventually spoke again.
“I turned the job down.”
“I’m not moving away.”
“I ended things with Karen.”
His tone became more insistent as he continued to shout hearing nothing in response.
“Are you listening to me Pam, I didn’t take the job!”
“Did you hear what I said…why…why aren’t you saying anything?” He stepped closer to her and yelled again.
“I came back for you.”
“I can’t!” The words escaped her lips without her being conscious of why she had said them. She watched with horror as his face registered shock and pain and then all of a sudden he closed the distance between them.
“I won’t let you walk away this time Pam. I won’t!”
“I don’t want to hurt you again.”
“Then don’t.”
“What if we fail; I don’t want to lose you Jim…I couldn’t bear it.”
He reached for her and pulled her close as his lips found hers. Breaking apart, he held her face in his hands and watched as tears mingled with rain drops and slid down her face.
“You will never lose me, do you understand that! You have been everything to me for so long Pam…this is it for me.”
Sliding her hands around his neck she kissed him softly and whispered that she loved him.
“I love you too”. He said as his voice was drowned out by another roar of thunder.
They stood with their foreheads resting against one another before he turned her face towards him. He kissed her gently and took in a deep breath when she took his bottom lip in hers and teased it with her tongue. He deepened the kiss and she heard herself moan as his tongue wrestled with her own. His hands tangled in her hair as he grabbed the back of her head and pushed harder against her mouth. Gasping, she pushed her body into his as she sought to be closer to him. Jim pushed back as he half carried her towards the house. Stopping at the doorway, he backed her against the wall and kissed her ferociously; breaking the kiss for a second, he looked at her – his eyes telling her what he needed when words failed him.
“I…I want…make love to me… please Jim.”
Her feet lost contact with the ground as he lifted her into his arms and carried her into the house.
Story Notes:
This story is set after The Job and well that's really all you need to know I guess.
