October 6, 2005- October 10, 2005
“Thank you all for coming,” Michael began. “It really means a lot to me that all of you would sacrifice your free time out of concern for our school, which is really more like our home than a school…”
“It’s our job. We have to come, Michael,” said Oscar.
“Anyway,” Michael continued, “It’s great to have all of you here. Well, almost all of you,” he said, glaring at Toby. “Is there something you wanted?”
“I work here, Michael. I have to come to the faculty meetings.”
“I work here,” Michael said, trying to imitate Toby's voice, at least, as he heard it. “Okay, all of those who want Toby to leave, please raise your hands.”
Dwight raised his hand, and Andy’s shot up shortly after that, but everyone else just sat there.
“Fine,” Michael exhaled, “But Toby, if you so much as open your mouth…”
“Michael, maybe we should just begin the meeting,” Pam interrupted, wanting to save Toby from further humiliation.
“Yes, Pam. Great idea. Before Toby got us sidetracked, I was about to congratulate all of you on a great first month of classes. We’ve been getting great feedback from the students, parents, and the school board has done nothing but praise us.”
“Actually, Michael, I’ve gotten a lot of calls from parents and the school board has expressed some concerns about…”
“Thank you, Pam. Always good to get some input from our lower ranking workers.”
Pam frowned and Jim gave her a sympathetic look, and then rolled his eyes at Michael. Pam’s face picked up a little bit. Jim and Pam had become fast friends, and their friendship had grown deeper, beyond the superficial, just as fast. Jim obviously still felt conflicted about his feelings for Pam, trying to convince himself that what he felt was just the beginnings of a deep friendship, but really, he knew better.
“We’ve done a lot of good so far, but by far the best thing about the year so far is the football team. We’re unbeaten and have whipped some ass out there so far! And really, that’s all anyone around town actually cares about. That’s what keeps the ho’s hangin’ around, and that’s what’s important. See, the thing is…”
“Michael, this is a place of public learning,” Angela interrupted, “Though Roy Anderson has done an outstanding job leading our young men onto the field, that sport is barbaric and at most a secondary concern. It has, as you stated, attracted a bottom feeding class of women to the school, and encourages rowdy and inappropriate behavior. As a concerned citizen and Christian leader of the community…”
“Pipe down, small fry!” Michael said, grinning, looking around the room for approval. Of course there was none, although Pam was somewhat glad Michael had put a stop to Angela’s basically bashing her boyfriend’s job. “As I was saying, the football team has been doing really well lately. Which is why I excused Roy from this meeting so he could hold practice. See, that’s what being a great leader is about; it’s about letting the members of your team do their thang.” Michael paused to let the message sink in.
“Okay," Michael continued, "so morale is obviously high from the success on the field, but we need to take it to a new level. That’s what she said. This coming Monday is October 10, and I suggest a 10/10 party.”
Jim smiled to himself, remembering during teacher preparation week when Michael came in and suggested an 09/09 party; he suggested it of course during the 2 hours when he actually came in to work.
“Man, it’s so boring around here right now. You know what we need? A party this week. Tomorrow is September 9th, so let’s have an 09/09 party. That would make up for the 08/08 party I had last month that people were too busy to come to.”
“Michael, we do not have the budget for a party right now. People have work to do, and there are really more important things to do right now than that. As head of the English department…”
“Angela, I’ve always wondered what it’s like to be the last person to know when it starts raining. Can you tell me?”
Angela huffed and walked out of the room.
“So, back to my party…”
“Michael, Angela’s right,” Pam said. “It really isn’t in the budget right now.”
“Stupid school board wet blankets. Fine, maybe we’ll try again next month when our budget increases.”
“Michael the budget isn’t going to…”
“Good work, Pam.”
“So,” Michael said, continuing on about the 10/10 party, “what would really make this school rise up, I think, would be a 10/10 party this Monday. Since this school is a ten out of ten, it fits perfectly. We can have…”
“Michael,” Toby interrupted softly, “This is the same situation as last month. There isn’t room in the budget to throw school-wide parties. Remember last year when you tried the 04/04/04 party and Jan came in and…”
“Shut it, Toby. I warned you before about speaking during meetings. No one hear wants to hear your voice and I cannot stand it. Why you hate fun I have no idea. I hate so much about the way you choose to be. You are without doubt the most…”
“Hey, Michael?” Jim interrupted. Someone had to put an end to this, and it certainly wasn’t going to be Michael.
“Yes, Jimfloor?”
Great. Another nickname. “I was actually thinking about something today. October is National Cyber Security Awareness Month. That is kind of an important issue in the modern age, so I think that what would be great on Monday is if you made an educational announcement. You know, use your position and knowledge to really improve the lives of our students?”
“Jim, that is a great idea, my friend. The only problem I see is that the topic is kind of boring. Not really many opportunities for comedy there. So how bout instead we call October something else. Any ideas?”
“How about Music Appreciation Month?” asked Andy. “I could sing something over the loudspeaker. At Cornell, where I went to college, I sung in an a capella group.”
“Andy, music is important, but it doesn’t need a whole month. Plus, I have the perfect idea, anyway. Sexually Transmitted Disease Awareness Month. These things are plaguing our community people. And I’m sure our students are affected. I mean, if I was a guy in this school, I know I’d have probably caught something, so, yeah. That’s what we are going to do.”
“Michael, I think that the health teachers already…”
“Toby, I told you already to shut it. If you want the students of this school to become infected with STD’s, that’s your problem. I, on the other hand, am not going to stand by and do nothing. It’s my job as Principal of this school to keep my students safe. Like a father would. Or a best friend. After all, the last three letters of Principal spell Pal.”
Jim nodded and caught Pam’s eye at that. Pam nodded back in appreciation.
“So on Monday, I will make a series of announcements to teach our students about STD’s. Now that that’s settled, unless there is anything else…”
“Michael?”
“Yes, Dwight?”
“I would like to raise some issues to the attention of the faculty.”
“Fine. Please be fast. That’s what she said.”
“Fellow educators,” Dwight began, rising out of his chair, “I am speaking to you, not only as your superior…”
“You are not our superior,” Jim interrupted.
“I am Assistant Principal…”
“Assistant to the Principal. And that means nothing,” Jim said.
“Michael,” Dwight said, “can you please explain it to them?”
“It’s kind of made up,” Michael answered.
Dwight looked dejected, but continued on. “Fine. As I was saying, I have some concerns to express about a fellow educator who has caused a significant drop in productivity and is threatening to tear down all that we have built with his cavalier teaching methods. The person I speak of is Jim Halpert. For the moment, I will leave his teaching methods alone and just focus on his conduct outside the classroom. Jim has taken it upon himself to constantly interrupt my efforts to improve the school. First, he changed all of the numbers on my speed dial to dial foreign countries. I have nothing to say to such people, and those fourteen calls cost this school a great deal of money.”
“You made fourteen calls?” Pam asked. “How long did it take you to figure out something was up?”
“Pam, I have many enemies. I thought perhaps at first that it was a mistaken attempt to switch the phone lines and that the problem would correct itself. Next, Jim Halpert stole my key ring, which has the key to every room in the building. Only Michael, myself, and the janitors have such a privilege. Jim stole my ring and replaced it with this.” Dwight held up a child’s play set of keys that had three large plastic keys, colored red, blue, and yellow. “This theft led to my being unable to check the clogged toilet in the girl’s bathroom as quickly as I needed to. Thank you for reporting that Jim, though the problem had solved itself by the time I arrived.”
Jim smiled, remembering the shrieks and the reports to Michael about Dwight barging into the girl’s bathroom in his biohazard protection suit.
“Jim then tampered with my personal files and put in ridiculous fake student files for students such as A. Hitler, N. Bonaparte, and I. Terrible. I know that was you Jim," Dwight said, turning to glare at Jim. Jim gave a look of shock, like he could not believe the accusation. "And Jim also falsified a department of health investigation on his first day. And forged Olympic championships. As such, I recommend that Jim Halpert be terminated…”
“Dwight,” Michael interrupted, “that’s enough. Jim, do you have anything to say?”
Jim squinted as if in concentration, but only said, “Nope.”
“Okay, meeting adjourned,” Michael said.
When the following Monday rolled around (10/10), Jim walked in to the main office to talk with Pam. As usual, she was there playing on her computer. “Hey, Pam.”
“Hey, Jim,” she smiled up at him.
“Um, is Dwight around? I had something important to talk to him about.”
“Really? And what important thing is that?”
“Well, I wanted to help him with his introduction for Michael this morning, you know, the introduction to the STD Awareness Announcements.”
“Right. Well, he’s in his office, so you can find him in there,” Pam said, trying to contain a smile.
“Okay, wish me luck.”
“Good luck.”
One minute later, Jim was talking to Dwight. “Dwight, I’m just saying, you know how Michael is always telling you how he is disappointed when you introduce him?”
“Yes,” Dwight said as he hung his head in shame.
“Well, I’m an English teacher, Dwight. Writing is my thing. I also took some speech writing courses in college; I know how to write an introduction.”
“Really?”
“Yes, Dwight, I do. It’s probably what I know best. When you get to the intercom, just take these note cards and read them out. It will bring the kids into a frenzy before Michael gets on and can bring it home.”
“Thank you, Jim. It’s about time you did something for the school.”
“My pleasure, Dwight.” Jim walked out the door, raising his eyebrows and winking at Pam on his way out. He could hear her giggles as he exited the office.
Immediately after the first period bell rand, the intercom came on over the loudspeakers. “Students and fellow educators, this is Dwight K. Schrute, Assistant Principal. I am here to introduce your leader Michael Scott, who will be speaking to you about Sexually Transmitted Disease Awareness. So I want everyone to get excited and spread the disease! Here’s Michael to help further STD’s…" Dwight turned to the second note card he had and finished, "awareness.”
Jim laughed to himself softly in his classroom as his class sat in confusion, then bust up laughing. Too easy, Jim thought.
“Dwight, what are you, ugh, sorry about Dwight my children. He’s just weird. I can't believe I let him discuss STD's. Not that he would ever even have the chance to catch one!” Michael laughed, as Dwight sulked out of the room. “Okay, Michael continued, “I am here to do some straight talking with you about STD’s. Well, not just straight talking, because I am accepting of all lifestyles. I mean, this is the age where a lot of people experiment, and I want to encourage that, so, as Nike says, ‘Just do it…’"
Michael paused, then continued, "Well, actually this day is about not just doing it. Doing it can be dangerous if you aren’t safe. There are lots of serious problems that can come from sex. To the guys out there, I walk down the halls, and I see what you see. There’s no doubt that it’s tempting, but you have to be safe. I know it’s hard out there. That’s what she said. Every year worldwide, it is estimated that over 400 million Americans become infested with an STD. That’s more than eat at McDonald’s. STDs are like a plague, sort of like Toby Flenderson. Ugh, Toby. There’s something that makes you want to forget all about sex. Kids, remember that. Toby is the ultimate STD protection,” Michael smiled- he was an improv genius.
“Guys, keep in mind that we have to wrap it up or an STD will snap it up. Girls, I don’t want you to go all virginal, but it might be a good idea to talk your parents into getting you on the pill so that you are protected from these dangerous diseases.” Michael paused to let his knowledge sink in. “Just remember kids,” Michael again pause to switch to his Asian accent, “Man who fish in other man’s well often catches crabs.” Michael then paused again, “Something to think about. Check for lumps. You guys have been great.”
The school sat in stunned silence.
Author's Chapter Notes:
I realize that Michael could never hang on to a job as a Principal, but it’s fanfiction, so please suspend disbelief. Plus, suspending disbelief is necessary for all things Michael even on the show.
Chapter End Notes:
I was tempted to have Michael tell an AIDS joke, but even Michael knows there is no such thing as an hilarious AIDS joke.
Next- Jim gets some disappointing news. Stay tuned!
Next- Jim gets some disappointing news. Stay tuned!
