September 2, 2005
Jim and Pam were laughing as they walked back in to the main office, and then…
“There he is! The new kid on the block!”
“Oh, um, hi, Mr. Scott.”
“Please call me Michael. We’re friends now.”
“Sure, um, sorry, Michael.”
“I see you’ve met our secretary, Pamalot. If you think she’s hot now, you should’ve seen her when I hired her.”
“Michael, what??? You didn’t even hire me. That was Ed Truck. And you just met me last year. I look the same.”
“Sure, um, okay. Women, sheesh. Jim-let’s introduce you to some of the other teachers around here. Let’s get you exposed.”
Jim made a funny face.
Michael began to stammer, “Um…not…exposed…intro…introduce….introducted to the rest of the staff. Let’s go.”
Just then, Dwight came in, still wearing his chemical suit. “There you are!” Dwight pointed his power washing wand menacingly at Jim. “Michael, this morning Jim fabricated a story about the department of health condemning our cafeteria. I then took it upon myself as Assistant Principal…”
“Assistant to the Principal,” Michael corrected.
“…To look into the matter myself and rid our cafeteria of any possible carcinogens or contaminating agents. Jim broke across my police safety tape and then claimed that there was, in fact, no ongoing investigation. I suggest you fire him, now.”
“Jim, is that true?” Michael asked.
“Um, I went to the cafeteria, Pam was with me, to kind of just see if things had changed any since I had been here. I saw Dwight in a weird costume, and wanted to see what was going on out of concern for the school. Then Dwight started talking about investigations, sheriff’s deputies, and health departments, and I was really confused. I figured he just wanted to really shine up the cafeteria before school started.” Jim shrugged and said, “Pam, did you hear about any health investigation?”
“No, I think Dwight kind of made that up as an excuse to use his power sprayer and that costume.”
“First of all,” Dwight said, “this is not a costume. This is a contamination suit. It protects me from any type of biological attack. Secondly, why would I make up a health investigation?”
“I just figured you were a dedicated worker, Dwight, and wanted to go beyond the call of duty to make the school as aesthetically pleasing as possible. Unless I was wrong about your level of dedication…” Jim trailed off.
“NO!” Dwight yelled. “I am more dedicated than anyone, Michael. I did this to improve the school as best I could!” Dwight said, grabbing Michael by the arms.
“Ugh. Get away, Dwight. ‘Luke, I am your father,’” Michael said in a terrible Darth Vader impression, laughing and pointing at Dwight.
“I would never fight for the dark side, Michael,” Dwight said, totally dejected from his interaction with Michael.
“Okay, Dwight, just…go away and do… whatever it is you do around here. I have to introduce Jim to everyone.”
“Fine.” Dwight slunk back into his office.
As Jim walked out of the office, he turned back to smile at Pam, and felt a pull on his heart strings when she was doing the same.
Jim and Michael first ran into a Hispanic man in the hallway. “Oscar!” Michael called. “Oscar Martinez, this is my new friend, Jim Halpert. He is our new English teacher. Jim, this is Oscar. He teaches Spanish. Wow, you both teach languages, so you have something in common right away.”
“Michael, I teach Geometry,” Oscar said. “You hired me to be a math teacher, remember?”
“Really? No, that can’t be right. Why would I hire a Mexican to teach math?” Michael queried. He then realized his comment wasn’t exactly appropriate and said, “I mean, of course someone of your…eth…ethni…ethnicalous background can teach anything, but Spanish just seems more…”
“More what, Michael?”
“More your…you know…”
“No, I don’t.”
“Okay. Well, Jim this is Oscar. He is not a Spanish teacher,” Michael said, adding, “though it would be much better if he was,” under his breath.
“Hi,” Oscar said to Jim, ignoring Michael’s last comment.
“Good to meet you,” Jim said, relieved to finally have an end to the awkwardness Michael created.
“Okay,” Michael said, “We’ve got to keep moving, Oscar, but let me know if you want to get some margaritas after work. Or maybe enchiladas. And let me know when the Mexican new year is coming up.”
Oscar shook his head as Michael and Jim walked away.
Jim next met Andy Bernard, who taught history, which is apparently what Andy “minored in at the Ivy League school which he attended.” Jim replied, “What’s the Ivy League? Is that like a gardening club, or…?” Andy looked shocked, and said, “No. It’s a collection of the best schools in the country. I went to Cornell, one of the best schools in the country, which is part of the Ivy League.”
“Ah,” Jim answered. “So you don’t know how to garden?”
“Not really, no. But I am an a capella singer. Which I also started at Cornell. Which is in the Ivy league. Where I went to college.”
Jim had to find a way out of this one-sided conversation. “Okay. Well, nice to meet you.” As Jim walked off, he heard Andy say, “See ya round Big English.” Jim gave a look of confusion.
Next, Jim met someone he actually knew. Kevin, the P.E. teacher, who had taught Jim in his P.E. classes at West Scranton. Jim knew him well because he took the maximum number of P.E. credits in high school. “Jimbo, this is Kevin Malone, he teaches P.E., though you wouldn’t guess it from looking at him,” Michael laughed.
Kevin gave a confused look and then said, “Hey…” in a slow voice.
“I know Mr. Malone, Michael, he taught me back in the day. How’s it going?” Jim asked as he shook his hand.
“The same,” Kevin said. “Good to see you. You can call me Kevin, now.”
“Okay,” Jim smiled, “See you round, Kevin.”
Next, Jim met Mr. and Mrs. Bob Vance. “Bob Vance, West Scranton High School,” Bob said as he shook Jim’s hand. Okay. “Jim Halpert.”
“Bob teaches two things,” Michael said, “Technology and how to mack on the big girls,” Michael said, nodding at Mrs. Bob Vance, a.k.a. Phyllis, who taught home economics.
“What did you say, Scott?” Bob said to Michael.
“Um, nothing. Jim, this is Phyllis, our resident senior. She teaches home ec.”
“We’re the same age, Michael,” Phyllis said as she shook Jim’s hand. “It’s so nice to have you here, Jim,” Phyllis said as she pulled Jim into what was kind of a creepy hug, especially considering that her husband was next to her.
“Nice to be here,” Jim managed to answer.
“Oh, look,” said Michael, “There’s Roy Anderson, the football coach. This isn’t like a University, though, Jim. I’m the highest paid person at this school, not the football coach.”
“That’s, um, great, Michael. Congratulations,” Jim said.
“Thank you kind sir. Roy!” Michael yelled.
Jim saw Pam’s boyfriend walking towards him and Michael with a look of exasperation on his face. Does everyone look at Michael that way, Jim wondered.
“Roy this is Jim Halpert, our new English teacher. Jim, this is Roy Anderson, he’s gettin’ it from the secretary, you know, Pam.” Roy contorted his face in a kind of grimace and said, “Wha…”
Michael interrupted with, “Still gettin’ it regular, coach?”
“Um…” Roy began to stammer.
“Jim Halpert,” Jim said, extending his hand in an attempt to diffuse the situation.
“Roy,” Roy said, shaking Jim’s hand.
“I actually remember you from your playing days at Carbondale. I went here the same time you went there,” Jim said.
“Oh, yeah?” Roy asked. “You a big football fan?”
“Sure,” Jim said. “I mean, I played basketball, but obviously I’m a football fan. I went to Penn State, so I know all about big time football.”
“Cool,” Roy said. “If you wanna get a beer and watch games some time, I’ve got a group of guys I go out with, so just let me know. The more the merrier.”
“Cool, man. Will do,” Jim answered. Unfortunately, Roy seemed like a pretty nice guy after all.
Finally, Michael told Jim that he probably had to meet the head guidance counselor. “Though I would advise you to never go to him for guidance,” Michael said. “He’s divorced and can’t even keep his own life straight. I didn’t, and wouldn’t hire him. The school board makes all of the decisions about hiring guidance counselors. Ugh… those stupid burea…bureau…bureacratics. Can’t even trust me to run my own school. I’ve told our board representative, Jan, who is smokin’ hot, by the way, countless times how terrible he is, but she refuses to do anything about it. I don’t think I am overstating it, Jimbo, when I say that that man is a plague on this school and is the sole cause of everything wrong with education in America’s schools today. He has personally destroyed the lives of countless children. It’s just terrible, really,” Michael finished.
Man, Jim thought, this guy really must be some kind of monster for Michael to dislike him this much. Imagine Jim’s surprise when he walked into the counselor’s office to see a middle-aged man with sad eyes and a soft smile that had pictures of his daughter around his office. “I’m Toby,” the man said, shaking Jim’s hand.
“Um, yeah, I know, I, uh, went to school here a few years ago and you were the counselor then, too. Jim Halpert.” Obviously, Jim thought, Michael is a lunatic.
“See what I mean, Jim? Toby here didn’t even remember you from four years ago. What a snake…”
“Michael, the school has multiple counselors and we split the students up by last name. I have A through G…”
“Yeah, we only have to have multiple counselors because you can’t handle your job. What a joke. I just can’t even fath…fathomize what you do around here. Let’s go, Jim.”
“Um, okay, yeah. Good to see you again, Toby,” Jim said with a small wave.
He didn’t even hear Toby say, “You, too.”
What a day.
Author's Chapter Notes:
We meet some more characters. A couple of these jokes are borrowed from the series, because they do it best.
No copyright infringement intended.
No copyright infringement intended.
Chapter End Notes:
And so ends Jim’s first day as a teacher. I hate to end it on a somewhat sad note, but that’s what Toby is there for. Michael, Michael, Michael. I kind of feel bad for creating all of the inappropriate jokes he makes, because, well, I came up with them. But you gotta do what you gotta do.
I think this is the only one I'm going to add today. More tomorrow.
I think this is the only one I'm going to add today. More tomorrow.
