-=-
Fucking A. Fucking Andy. I was so damn close. And Pam… Fucking Andy.
She was silent the ride home. Didn’t say anything. Neither did I. What was there to say? Sorry I didn’t propose? Andy is a bitch?
She wants me to take her to her apartment. I tell her I think she should stay with me. Whether she wants to or not, I don’t know. But she came. And she’s here. And she’s upset.
Not seriously upset. But I can see it in her eyes, her face… just her overall body language. She walks over to my bed. Should be our bed, but it’s not yet.
“Hey, I’m sorry Jim… I’m just not in the mood to… I’m just really tired.” She says.
“What? Oh. Yeah. What, no… I… I mean we don’t have to. Of course.” I smile at her, and I can tell she doesn’t believe me. Though the truth is I don’t want sex right now either. All I can think about is fucking Andy.
Not like that.
She immediately gets under the covers and turns on her side away from me. I know she’s trying not to cry. I can just feel it.
I want to say something, to do something, but it probably will only make me seem like an asshole, so I get up and turn off the light.
I kiss the back of her shoulder as I get back in bed. She’s pretending to be asleep.
I sigh and lie on my back. I know she’s in bed with me, but I’m not holding her and I feel empty. I wonder if she feels the same way.
Now what? How do I propose to her now? It’s supposed to kick her ass, and sweep her off her feet. I don’t want her to even remember Roy’s proposal, however the hell he did it.
What would Pam want?
The feeling of emptiness is really bothering me now. I reach over her body and grab her hand. It’s not enough, but at least it’s something.
God, her going to New York is going to suck.
Fuck. I didn’t mean that.
It’s going to kick ass, because she’s an awesome artist, and she’s living her dream.
But fuck… What the hell am I going to do without her? When does she even leave?
I hear a muffled sigh or groan or something. Her hand moves slightly in mine and I squeeze it. She slides it out from my grasp.
“C’mon Pam.” I say, sitting more upright. “What’s wrong?”
I know what’s wrong. That was a bitch move to ask that, Halpert. Good work.
She’s silent for a moment. I wonder if she’s just going to ignore it.
She turns off her side and looks at the ceiling. “Nothing is wrong Jim. I’m just… I’m tired.”
“If you were tired you’d be asleep right now.” Too smartass. Take it back. “Sorry, I didn’t mean that to be so rude.”
She’s ignoring me now.
“Listen Pam… I’m really sorry about tonight.” She knows right? That I was going to propose. She must.
I stay silent for a moment, waiting for a reaction. Nothing.
“I just. I love you Pam. And I want you to realize that… look… I just want it to be perfect.”
I don’t know what to say now. I think about giving up and going to sleep.
“It would have been perfect.” She says unexpectedly.
I watch as she sits up and leans back against the headboard.
“It would have been perfect any way you could think of doing it.” I can’t see much in the dim light from the window, but I see the tears in her eyes.
I don’t know what to tell her.
“I’m going to New York, Jim. Without you. I know it’s stupid and I’m being ridiculous but… I’m really going to miss you and I don’t know, I just wanted to know what’s going to happen. I want to know what’s going to happen. With us.”
The tears are falling and she’s doing nothing to wipe them away.
“Pam…” I say, placing my hand on her cheek. She looks away. I think she’s actually embarrassed.
I move so I’m sitting nearly in front of her, giving myself a better view.
“Look at me Pam.” I was planning on saying something sarcastic to cheer her up, but this isn’t the time. I have to be serious about something right?
“I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” You know this Pam… I know she knows this.
“I know. Like I said, I’m being ridiculous. But…” she takes a deep breath. “I just want it to happen. I love you, and I love your jokes, but I’m ready… I’ve been ready for so many months.”
“You have no idea how long I’ve been ready for, Pam. Look, I feel like I’ve built it up too much. I’m not going to say when it happens you’ll love it. I might fail catastrophically, and you might leave me right then because of how awful it is.” She let’s out a small laugh and I smile. “But trust me here. It’s going to happen.”
She smiles for the first time since the fireworks.
“What if I don’t feel like marrying you?”
“Too bad?” She laughs again. I love that sound.
I kiss her lightly and I feel her smile against my mouth.
“3 months, eh?” I mumble. She pulls back immediately.
-=-
Story Notes:
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
Author's Chapter Notes:
I, like many other JAM fans, was quite upset. Fan fiction helps.
Chapter End Notes:
Reviews are like the proposal I wish had happened.
