ACT THREE

INT. The Office, MICHAEL’s Office 

MICHAEL is sitting behind his desk talking to DWIGHT who is standing in front of it with his hands determinedly on his hips. They are wearing different clothes than the previous two acts, indicating that it is a different day. We come in mid-conversation.

 MICHAEL

Soft pretzel?

DWIGHT

No.

MICHAEL

(surprised)

Really?

DWIGHT

(crosses his arms)

You do not wear a wind suit if you do not want to sweat. [beat] And you do not sweat if you can’t make it to Bon-Tons.

(somewhat dramatically)

And you don’t get soft pretzels for trying.

MICHAEL

Dwight, its just mall walking. [beat] What did you let her have?

DWIGHT

I permitted her to buy a small porcelain figurine from the Hallmark store.

MICHAEL

Ugh. It wasn’t of a cat was it?

DWIGHT

No. It was…

(pauses for a moment, and pulls a small notepad from his back pocket. He reads off of it.)

…a Precious Memories figure, titled “Flowers and Friendship Are Best When Shared.”

(closes notepad, and puts it back in his pocket)

I found it kitsch.

MICHAEL

(sighs)

Alright [beat] tell Jim to put three stars next to your name.

DWIGHT

(quickly)

Last time he did it they were bronze.

MICHAEL

(skeptically)

The stars?

DWIGHT

Yes.

MICHAEL

(continued skepticism)

Where would he get bronze stars?

DWIGHT

I can type up a list of stores.

MICHAEL

(waves him off)

No, don’t [beat] just [beat] they’ll be gold, okay? Cause…

MICHAEL shifts in his chair a little to his left, and the camera’s right, so that he can see around DWIGHT. He is now looking through the doorway.

MICHAEL (cont.)

(loudly)

Jim!

At MICHAEL’s voice, we see JIM at his desk turn around and look through the opened doorway questioningly.

JIM

Yeah?

MICHAEL

Make sure Dwight’s stars are gold.

JIM

(in mock confusion)

What other color would they be?

At JIM’s assurance, MICHAEL looks at DWIGHT with an ‘I-told-you-so-look’. This spurs DWIGHT to a new height of agitation as he spins around and faces JIM.

DWIGHT

(angrily)

The last stars you put on my row were bronze.

JIM

(calmly)

That was because your glasses made the gold look darker.

DWIGHT

(confidently)

Then why did they still look dark when I took them off?

JIM

(matter-of-factly)

Because you can’t see without them.

DWIGHT

(turns back around to face MICHAEL)

Michael, this—

MICHAEL

(interrupting)

Do you want me to take away a star?

DWIGHT

(quickly calms down)

No.

MICHAEL

Alright [beat] then go away.

At MICHAEL’s request, a dissatisfied DWIGHT leaves the office, and closes the door behind him. The camera stays on the door for an additional two to three seconds. It is then re-opened by DWIGHT enough to be able to poke his head in.

DWIGHT

She also said she wanted you to call her.

Quickly, DWIGHT disappears and closes the door once again. The camera swings to an annoyed MICHAEL, who picks up the phone. He punches in a number, and then after a moment speaks into it

MICHAEL

Hey mom.

CUT TO:

INT. The Office, Accounting

The three accountants are all at their desks. KEVIN and OSCAR are silently and somewhat diligently working, while ANGELA is agitatedly trying to get something to work correctly on her computer. It is clear that whatever it is, she is not able to do it. After a quick establishing shot, ANDY moves into frame.

ANDY

(sweetly)

Hello, Mrs. Bernard.

ANGELA

(flatly)

That is not my name.

ANDY

(apologetically)

I know…

ANGELA

(interrupting)

I told you I haven’t decided about taking your name.

ANDY

I know…

There is a pause of a second or two, during which ANDY looks uncomfortably at the camera, and then back to ANGELA, who has returned to her work on the computer.

ANDY (cont.)

Sooo [beat] I had a question…

At ANDY’s words, ANGELA tiredly returns her gaze to him, and away from her work.

ANDY (cont.)

(obviously trying to think something up)

And [beat] that question is [beat] what do you think of bubbles when we walk down the aisle?

KEVIN

(interrupting)

I like it.

Both ANDY and ANGELA look at KEVIN because of his interruption. The camera shows him smiling widely at the thought of bubbles. However, under their combined gaze, he quickly stops smiling and quietly goes back to work.

ANGELA

(impatiently)

Andy, don’t plan our wedding during work time. Only certain people do things like that.

ANDY

(confused)

What do you mean?

ANGELA

Like Pam.

ANDY

(excitedly)

Pam’s getting married?!

ANGELA

(quickly)

No, her and Ro—

Unfortunately for everyone, ANGELA’s words are cut off because ANDY immediately leaves Accounting and runs in front of Reception and over to JIM’s desk.

CUT TO:

INT. The Office, JIM’s Desk, Reception

The camera is situated to the left of JIM’s desk, as he sits at it, so that it has a clear line of sight to Reception and PAM. ANDY quickly and excitedly comes into frame.

ANDY

Jim!!

ANDY raises his hand to high-five a clearly bewildered JIM. The camera picks up PAM’s reaction, which is also clearly confused, though more amused than JIM’s. After a beat, JIM reluctantly and somewhat half-heartedly raises his hand, which is enthusiastically slapped by ANDY.

ANDY (cont.)

Congratulations!

JIM

Thanks. [beat] What are we talking about?

ANDY

Wha—You and Pam.

The camera swings around to show that ANDY’s volume and words have clearly attracted the attention of everyone in the office. It then swings back to see that JIM continues to look confused, while PAM’s amusement has clearly left her.

JIM

What about us?

ANDY

 You two are getting married! Oh!…

ANDY briefly pauses for a moment in sudden realization, while JIM and PAM share an awkward look with one another. Meanwhile, the rest of the office is beginning to react.

ANDY (cont.)

(in a softer and concerned voice)

Is there a Little Tuna on the way?

After a second of stunned silence, especially with regard to JIM and PAM, a shriek is heard from across the office. The camera quickly turns towards it, and sees KELLY standing in the doorway that leads to the Annex, her hands covering her mouth.

KELLY

(in a high-pitched squeak)

Pam, you’re pregnant!?

The camera then swings back to show PAM, JIM, and ANDY.

PAM

(clearly flustered, and now standing behind her desk)

What?! No [beat] we’re not [beat] we’re not even engaged.

ANDY looks confused. Simultaneously, ANGELA quickly but determinedly walks into frame. She is clearly embarrassed and upset.

ANGELA

I was talking about Roy, her first husband.

PAM

(determinedly)

We didn’t get married.

Following PAM’s denial, MICHAEL walks out of his office and into frame. He steps behind JIM at his desk.

MICHAEL

Who didn’t get married?

ANGELA

Pam and Roy.

MICHAEL

(confused)

Duh, everyone knows that. What are you all talking about?

CREED

(from across the office)

Jimmy knocked up Annie.

MICHAEL

(still confused)

Who’s Annie?

There is a pause for a moment as everyone is reeling from the combination of events, and the question asked.

STANLEY

(in a dower and annoyed tone)

He means Pam.

At STANLEY’s words, MICHAEL freezes for a half-second and then a look of realization hits him. He begins smiling widely and looks extremely happy. He bends down and awkwardly hugs JIM from behind, who is still sitting in his chair.

MICHAEL

(slightly muffled into JIM’s shoulder)

Can I be the Godfather?

JIM

(tiredly)

No.

(MICHAEL stands back up in reaction and JIM begins to speak to the entire office)

 Everybody? Pam and I are not engaged yet. Okay? And, nobody is pregnant. And [beat] yeah.

PAM

(nodding)

Yeah, we’re [beat] just dating.

JIM

(taking slight umbrage at PAM’s phrasing)

Well, not just—

MICHAEL

(interrupting)

What the hell people?

The volume fades out as the camera shifts from MICHAEL to JIM, who is looking tensely to Reception, where PAM is now looking down at something on her desk.

 JIM TALKING HEAD [Conference Room]

(determinedly)

I am not going to screw this up.

(pauses for a moment, and looks off camera for a moment before returning to it)

More than I already have.

(sighs)

I mean [beat] I’ve got to just stop thinking about it being perfect and do it, you know?

(pauses again for a moment, and then continues in a slightly lighter tone)

Or just kill Andy. [beat] Or maybe both.

CUT BACK TO OFFICE

The previous scene continues with MICHAEL behind JIM’s chair, and next to the stars chart.

MICHAEL (cont.)

(addressing office)

Alright, Creed, I’m subtracting….

MICHAEL turns around and faces the chart, however he freezes as he looks at it. The camera shifts to show that CREED’s row has fourteen stars in it.

MICHAEL (cont.)

(surprised)

How did you get fourteen stars?!

CREED

(calmly)

You gave them to me.

MICHAEL

(pauses for a moment considering if he actually did)

No [beat] No I didn’t. Alright, you know what Creed?

CREED

(still calm)

Yes?

MICHAEL

(overly and exaggeratedly exhales)

You’re disqualified.

(holds up his hands to temper the non-existent reactions of everyone)

 I don’t want to, but cheating kills morale.

(very seriously to CREED)

 And now [beat]

(points to Reception)

you can’t hug Pam. Or win the grand prize.

DWIGHT

(stands up)

You should be ashamed of yourself Creed.

MICHAEL

Sit down Dwight.

DWIGHT immediately sits back down at his desk. The camera then shifts from him across the office to show CREED.

 CREED TALKING HEAD [Conference Room]

The bossman said that Creed was disqualified. He didn’t say anything about aliases, nom de plumes, or the names on my passports.

(leans in towards camera slightly and speaks in a low voice)

I can grow a mustache in three days [beat] how’s Annie going to recognize me then?

 DWIGHT TALKING HEAD [Conference Room]

No, I did not notice Creed’s malfeasance, I have been [beat] busy doing other things.

Using the internet I found a campground in Vermont that is only accessible by boat, has no public water, primitive toilet facilities, and…

(looks at camera with a cocky smirk)

I’ll be bringing scented candles.

(pauses for a moment)

Love will be in the air.

CUT TO:

INT. The Office, Conference Room

PHYLLS is sitting at the head of the table, while ANGELA, PAM, MEREDITH, KELLY, and HOLLY sit on either side. We come in at the beginning of the meeting.

 ANGELA

Why is Holly here? She’s HR, and nobody knows her.

PHYLLIS

She’s been working here for over a week and I asked her.

PAM

Yeah, she’s really nice Angela.

MEREDITH

I don’t know, I don’t like her much either.

HOLLY

(looks at camera quickly before speaking)

Um, I-I’m right here.

There is a silence in the room for a moment after HOLLY’s words, as everyone attempts to not make eye contact with one another.

PHYLLIS

Okay, so as you all know we’re having a morale boosting party tomorrow for the office. [beat] Which is being sponsored by Vance Refrigeration.

KELLY

Why is our party being sponsored?

 PHYLLIS

I thought we might be able to have a better one that way.

(smiles)

ANGELA

And so you can win a week’s paid vacation.

PHYLLIS

(annoyed)

Maybe.

ANGELA

You’ve only got five. Jim and Holly both have twelve.

PHYLLIS

Yes—

ANGELA
(interrupting)

Even Pam has seven.

KELLY

(quickly)

How many do you have Angela?

ANGELA

(looks over at KELLY for a moment and then turns away)

One.

PAM

(said with mock curiosity)

And [beat] how did you get it?

ANGELA

(with controlled anger)

It was laundry day [beat] and all I had to wear—

PHYLLIS

(interrupting)

Okay.

KELLY and PAM both smile at each other a little covertly, while ANGELA rigidly turns back to PHYLLIS.

HOLLY

(interrupting)

Can I just ask something quickly? Um, why is everyone on the Party Organizational [beat] Group….

(ANGELA visibly grimaces)

….a woman?

At HOLLY’s question, everyone is silent and look at one another for a specific answer to the question.

MEREDITH

Oscar was on the Committee once [beat] because he’s gay…

Before HOLLY can answer, MICHAEL comes into the Conference Room, smiling happily and picking up where the conversation stopped.

MICHAEL

And Mexican! Because we celebrate all cultures or ways of, you know, doing it. But, that is an excellent question, Holly, gold star.

HOLLY

(smiles)

Thank you, Michael.

ANGELA

(flustered)

How did that improve morale?

MICHAEL

(talking down to her)

Because Angela [beat] she allowed me the opportunity to [beat] you know, talk about how fabulous Oscar is.

(to PAM)

Is that the word, Pam?

PAM nods back in reply, and the camera stays on her as the conversation resumes amongst the people at the table.

 PAM TALKING HEAD [Conference Room]

A little while ago, Michael decided he needed to know some, um, special words when he talked to or about Oscar. And, uh, yeah, so I guess he started watching a lot of television, or something.

(shakes her head a little)

 I don’t really know where he got them from….

CUT TO:

FLASHBACK: INT. The Office, MICHAEL’s Office

MICHAEL is sitting at his desk, reading off a piece of paper to PAM, who is sitting on the other side in a chair.

MICHAEL

(off the paper and then looks for a reaction for each word)

Fierce?

PAM

Mmmm. Maybe.

MICHAEL

Cosmo?

PAM

(confused)

Like the drink?

MICHAEL

(confused)

Maybe. [beat] Um, okay, fabulous?

PAM

(nods)

That one’s nice.

MICHAEL

(smiles)

Yeah, I like that one. Do you think I should snap my fingers when I say it?

PAM

No.

(looks at camera)

END FLASHBACK, CUT BACK TO SCENE

MICHAEL has now pulled up a chair and is sitting at the table between PHYLLIS and ANGELA. We come in mid-conversation.

 MICHAEL

Alright, so this party—

PHYLLIS

(interrupting)

Which is being sponsored by Vance Refrigeration.

MICHAEL

Yeah, whatever, so…

(PHYLLIS frowns)

….we can’t have another one outside again [beat] the police said.

PAM

You need a permit to shoot off fireworks, Michael.

MICHAEL
(frustrated)

We know that now, Pam. Thank you.

MEREDITH

(interrupting)

And to have a Ferris Wheel.

MICHAEL

(stares at MEREDITH for a second, then continues)

So what are we doing for this one?

PHYLLIS

Because it’s being sponsored by Vance Refrigeration…

(looks over carefully at MICHAEL, who is looking at the ceiling and not paying attention)

…and its summer time, we’re going to do a cool theme.

MICHAEL

(interrupting)

Obviously it’s going to be cool, Phyllis. It’s Dunder-Mifflin, and I’ll be there.

PHYLLIS

No, Michael, I mean, cool as in cold, like a refrigerator [beat] from Vance Refrigeration.

MICHAEL

(still oblivious to PHYLLIS’ product placement)

Oh. Right. I was thinking more like, you know, summer-time, bikini…

(trails off and looks down the table slightly at HOLLY who is watching him, he then stops and coughs a little roughly)

…yeah, winter-time, bobsledding thing. Okay. Good job, meeting adjourned.

MICHAEL smiles a little too widely, and then gets up from his seat and walks out of the Conference Room. The camera stays where it is, however.

PHYLLIS

(to everyone)

I guess we can start now. 

END ACT THREE