.
Pam aimed for love.
She really did.
She never wanted tearless eyes or an aching heart.
But life isn’t always perfect and pain is what she got.
Nonetheless, Pam had determined that she was going to stop crying. She was going to stop falling for his eyes and dreaming about his smile. She was going to stop all of the broken-hearted nonsense and move forward, unwavering from her plan to make him see the new Pam.
Easier said than done.
Pam realized that her goal was going to be hard to accomplish, considering her current condition. Though she wanted so badly to move on, it felt like there were strings holding her back; something was in the way of letting it go.
Jim.
Pam constantly replayed moments in her head. More specifically, moments with Jim. Like the time she fell asleep on his shoulder at a meeting. Pam didn’t realize she dozed off, but when she opened her eyes and looked up into his, her heart skipped a beat and she forgot how to breathe. Or the time at Chili’s at the Dundie Awards. Pam knew she was completely drunk, but a part of her wasn’t. She figured she could get away with kissing Jim, just once – just to see how it felt. She can remember distinctly how his lips matched with hers and how she felt nauseas when their lips parted – nauseas over the fact that there was something there. Something Pam couldn’t do anything about.
Sometimes, Pam would catch herself replaying moments in her head that never actually happened. She would think about memories so much that they started to twist and become askew. But still, Pam found herself wishing that maybe someday those memories would happen just the way she wanted them to – the way she dreamt of.
The thoughts of Jim crossing Pam’s mind made her shake her head anxiously, wanting them out. If she was going to move on and let it go, she had to forget about him and her stupid, lovesick emotions.
Jim was the only person she would give it all for. Pam would give up anything for Jim, and that included her sanity. If giving up herself meant helping Jim out, then by all means she felt inclined to do just that.
Lose everything she was to make things better.
The awkward moments and tense stares between Jim and Pam were getting to Pam’s nerves. She decided that the only way to make them stop was to keep her distance from Jim. Maybe Jim was having a hard time living his life with Pam around. Or maybe Jim wanted to move on and away from her. Either way, Pam yearned to make Jim happy and even risking their friendship couldn’t get in her way.
All Pam was concerned with was him. If he was happy.
Jim.
But what Pam didn’t realize was that Jim didn’t want Pam to stop. He wanted Pam in his life. Not out of it. Pam had the whole state of their relationship mistaken. While Pam thought he wanted her to step back for a while, Jim wanted Pam to step forward.
Pam fumbled around at her desk, looking through various files on her computer and organizing her desk drawers to waste time. Michael stayed in his office most of the day and for her sake it was for the better. Thought Michael was oblivious most of the time, Pam was sure he stayed in touch with his feminine side enough to be able to realize something was off-beam with Pam.
The day droned on until finally, five thirty hit. Pam was going to leave shortly before the others, just so she didn’t have to answer any questions. Pam didn’t want Kelly or Phyllis to be curious about her saddened appearance. Or worse – another encounter with Jim. She didn’t want him to find out how hurt her heart felt or how it hurt to blink.
Pam lifted her coat off the rack against the wall and pushed her desk chair in. She walked to the door and was strong enough to walk away but broken so much she looked back.
Jim.
Pam though it was over; that she was done with fighting her heart and emotions over him. But then there he was, standing there, right in front of her, and she couldn’t breathe.
Jim.
.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Pam was willing to lose everything to make him happy.
Chapter End Notes:
Hope you all liked it!
More soon!
More soon!
