Pam could not breathe.
That was that.
But Pam did not think it was because he hurt her. She did not think it was because of how badly she yearned to be in his arms. Pam did not even think it was because she was aware they could not be anything more than best friends. Pam couldn’t breathe because everything she wanted was in front of her, staring into her deep, tearless brown eyes.
And there was nothing she could do about it.
Jim.
Pam’s mouth opened slightly as she took in a shallow breath. She felt perspiration forming on her hands and her eyes were unable to move from Jim’s.
“Can we talk outside?” Jim said faintly. He slid his hands into his pockets, keeping his eyes on hers.
Pam nodded and blinked a several times trying to regain focus. Her eyes darted to the floor as she paced towards the door, Jim following behind her.
Pam and Jim walked through the office hallways, down a silent elevator ride, and were soon outside.
It was cold outside, not surprising for a February day in Scranton, Pennsylvania. The brisk winds stabbed at Pam’s fair skin, causing her to clench her teeth. Then the reality of Jim with her, the two of them alone, left Pam breathless.
Again.
“So…Pam…” Jim began, searching for words. His hands were jammed in his pockets and Pam could sense he was nervous. Jim, too, could feel how nervous Pam was.
Pam gazed into Jim’s eyes, longing to stand closer to him – against him.
Jim.
This is just Jim, Pam thought, trying to convince herself to stay calm. Be yourself.
Jim closed his eyes and turned away. He took a deep breath and then retained his gaze with Pam’s.
“I’ve been trying to act like things are okay,” Jim began, Pam intently listening; her eyes wide and mouth ajar. “But I don’t think they are. For me, at least, they aren’t. And I just want you to know that I tried,Pam. I tried. Maybe I shouldn’t have done anything that night. Maybe I was too caught up in the moment; too overwhelmed with the idea of you. I don’t know…”
Jim paused and took a deep breath, his eyes wandering. Pam felt as if she was going to burst.
“I do know that all of whatever is happening between us right now has to stop. I can see it’s been hurting you, and I know it’s been killing me.”
A cold breeze blew between the two as they shivered from the cold and their own nerves. A tear fell from Pam’s eye, slithering toward the hill of her cheek. Jim gently reached up and used his thumb to wipe away the tear. The warmth of his hand caused Pam to close her eyes and quiver with shaky gulp of air.
“Please don’t,” Jim spoke softly, his eyes pleading. Both of his hands held Pam’s face so she was facing him. Her lips pursed together as her brow furrowed with such sadness and worry that Jim, too, wanted to cry.
Pam opened her mouth but the words didn’t come.
“I just need you to know that I tried. Pam, I wanted you - want you - so badly. But Roy…and, and… Karen… I just,” Jim stuttered, unable to choose the right words - the ones to help Pam understand.
Jim’s grasp around Pam’s face tightened slightly as Pam continued to stare into his eyes. Her refusal or unsuccessfulness of saying anything to response was destroying Jim.
How could she not say anything? How could Pam not say a word to Jim when she had been spending sleepless nights thinking of everything to say? Pam never dreamed of denying the words. Pam’s silence enforced Jim’s belief that Pam didn’t want him.
“Do you want this - us?” Jim asked with a mixture of anger and utter grief.
“Do you?” Jim repeated, still holding Pam’s face in his warm hands. Pam wanted to feel strong but was as weak as a rusting picket fence.
Pam could not respond. She knew the answer – oh how she knew it so well. There were no but’s or if’s. There were no extra words or spelling changes – nothing to cause reading between the lines. Pam knew what would happen if she said yes or no, one catastrophic and the other incredible to her ever-changing life.
“If you want this,” Jim said through clenched teeth as a tear trickled down his face. He looked completely vulnerable and forsaken. “Have it.”
Jim’s eyes darkened as he pulled his hands away from her face. His brow went from a saddened pose to a frustrated bend as he stalked away not able to look back.
Right there, between the office building and the empty street and under the setting sun, Pam once again could not face the one small truth in her life.
Jim.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Pam forgets what to say yet knows all the answers.
Chapter End Notes:
Hope it was enjoyable, as always! One more coming... left this one on a cliff-hanger! Hopefully you will be surprised...
