Author's Chapter Notes:
Oh boy oh boy oh boy! This is my longest chapter so far, and probably the heaviest, too. But, I just had to get it out. I hope everyone enjoys!
She was supposed to meet Will out front one half hour before the wedding started. They had talked on the phone (Karen had given her the number after she was sober and well-rested Monday morning) and he had seemed nice enough. He told her he’d be wearing a green tie, which seemed weird to her because he’d be clashing horribly with the décor, but whatever. He was late, in any case.
She stood outside the church, leaning against one of huge columns that lined the outside. Her dress was light pink, shiny silk and strapless (with a shawl around her shoulders, of course. She was still Pam,) with a fitted bodice that flowed gently from her hip to past her knees in layers. Leaning against this pole was probably not making it look any better, but what did she care? This wasn't her day to make an impression.
Pam ran a frustrated hand through her loose curls and clutched her small purse in her hand. In it was nothing but her cell phone and two envelopes, one containing a check for Karen and Jim’s wedding present, and the other a note just for Jim that she had no intention of giving him but had brought along anyway. Maybe, in a moment of boldness, she would shove it down his throat during their vows. Probably not. Pam shivered and pulled her shawl tighter around her shoulder.
Pam shook her head in disgust. She couldn’t actually believe that this was happening. Jim and Karen were getting married. That bitch was going to be Karen Halpert. Pam nearly vomited at just the thought of Karen and Jim sharing a honeymoon. Ugh.
And what was worse, Jim was just so cavalier about the whole thing. He acted like he and Pam had no history, no connection. Like he had never felt her lips on his, he had never loved her. Been in love with her. She wondered if Karen knew about that casino charity thing in the warehouse, if she knew the real reason Jim moved to Stamford. She highly doubted that Karen knew the truth. Then again, Karen and Jim we’re so happily in love, she doubted that either of them would care if she revealed it to the entire wedding party. They were just so heartless, both of them. Couldn’t Jim tell, couldn’t he see that she was (still) in love with him? Didn’t he care?
And suddenly, it dawned on her. This was how Jim had felt. This is how Jim had felt for three years, or however long he’d been in love with her. She realized that she was kind of a little bit lucky. Jim and Karen’s engagement had lasted, what? Two months? They wasted no time at all. It really was a whirlwind courtship. Her and Roy? She had made Jim feel like this for three years. How absolutely horrible was she! It wasn’t like she couldn’t tell Jim sort-of liked her. And it wasn’t like she didn’t secretly like him, too. In fact, that was the reason she didn’t tell him to knock it off, no, she totally lead him on.
Because truth be told, it made her feel good. It made her feel desired and even kind of powerful. That she could toy and play with a grown man who had a thing for her. God, she was cruel. And here she was, feeling angry and blaming him and Karen for all the anger she felt and cursing them every night before she went to sleep. What was wrong with her? Jim didn’t do anything wrong. He had moved on, plain and simple.
And another idea struck her. (Seriously, this day was totally full of epiphanies. Why the hell could she have figured all of this out ages ago?!) Jim was moving on because Pam didn’t love him. Because the woman he loved, his first choice, was out-of-bounds, off-limits, not interested. Or so he thought. Maybe, just maybe if she could get him alone and tell him exactly how she felt, he would…
’He would what, Pam? Leave his fiancé, the woman he was about to be forever bonded to in less than an hour, to be with you? You are so selfish. He moved on because he doesn’t want you, either. Not because he had to.’ the voice in her head taunted.
But if she could just tell him to let him know she would never ever, ever give up on him, because he was the only one for her! She just had to find the right opportunity, she just had to grow a pair and tell him! If only should had the right opportunity, an open window…
Pam was startled out of her reverie moments later by a soft tap on her shoulder.
“Pam Beesly?” a tentative voice asked behind her, and she turned. In front of her was a very handsome man dressed in an expensive looking black suit with an olive colored tie. He was tall, about six foot, with coiffed black hair and smiling blue eyes. His mouth, however, was more scowling that smiling, however.
“Will? Will Mattera?” she knew it was him; he looked exactly like what she’d picture Karen’s best friend would look like: city, dreamy, a tall-dark-and-handsome type.
“Yeah, that’s me. Uh—nice to meet you.” He stuck out his hand and she shook it. There were no sparks or electrical currents. His palm was actually really sweaty.
“You too. Uh, I guess we should go in…the ceremony’s gonna start soon.” Pam jerked her thumb towards the Church entrance, where a large sign proudly proclaimed “Wedding of James Halpert and Karen Filipelli”. Will nodded and held the door open for her and she thanked him politely, cordially. They were so not making out in the coat room later.
Pam and Will took seats in the very last pew, which Pam didn’t mind at all. Sure she was shoved between some old lady who was rambling on about her pet duck, and the still-scowling Will, but she was the farthest away from where the “happy couple” would be, so it was fine. She did glance to the front, however, to get a glimpse of the family in the front row. Karen’s mother, who looked exactly like her daughter: smooth olive skin and sleek brown hair, was already crying, her husband holding her hand and her sisters clutching handkerchiefs in anticipation.
On Jim’s side, his mother and father were having a whispered discussion that looked harsh, but Pam dismissed it as a trivial disagreement, probably about the reception or something.
“If you’re Karen’s best friend, why aren’t you, you know…in the wedding?” Pam blurted out after about three minutes of awkward silence. The duck lady was trying to show Pam a picture of her grandchildren, and even in her strapless dress she was starting to feel kind of hot. So whatever if she was blunt today. Today, in Pam’s opinion, she could feel whatever she wanted to.
“Oh, um, well…it’s kind of a long story.”
“I’ve got time.” Pam looked up at Will, who’s face had scrunched up into a twisted sort of frown. He looked like he was trying really hard not to…cry? That’s weird, Pam thought, but continued to wait for his reply.
“Yeah, um, I didn’t really want to be. Doesn’t matter. Hey, um, I’m gonna go have a smoke. You want one?” He held out a nearly empty pack of Marlboro Lights but Pam shook her head.
“No, I’m good, thanks. But, um, the ceremony’s about start…” she fiddled with the hem on her dress and dropped her gaze to her lap.
“I’ll be quick.” He replied gruffly, hastily exiting the pew and walking out the front door.
“Uh, okay…” she mumbled as Will dashed out. The duck lady leaned towards her.
“That man is very peculiar.” She whispered, patting Pam’s arm comfortingly. Pam mumbled something and settled back against the pew bench, leaning her head against the wall, letting out an exasperated sigh. She must have zoned out for a few minutes, too, because the next thing she heard was the notorious sound of the organ playing. And what was weird, Will still hadn’t come back.
Everyone stood and turned to look at the bride as she entered, her father on her arm. Pam, on the other hand, wanted to look at Jim, to gauge his reaction. To see if he looked completely taken with his soon-to-be wife as she strode down the aisle in her $3000 wedding gown, her hair in tight up-do and her veil framing her exotic features. Pam had to admit, she really did look very beautiful.
So why wasn’t Jim gazing, lovingly, adoringly, at her like she was the light of his life, his one true love, the ying to his yang?
Why was he staring at her? Her being Pam?!
He looked away hastily when she caught him, and went back to beaming at Karen as she slowly made her way down the aisle. And everyone applauded as she made her way to the front and the guests took their seats again. But Pam was still pretty shell-shocked. On his wedding day, as his bride was walking down the aisle, Jim was absolutely undeniably staring at Pam. What the hell?
And while she was shocked and confused and totally spacing, she made a decision right then and there. To tell him. To tell him soon. She just had to find out when, exactly.
While the priest rambled on in a tired, feeble voice about “unions” and “holy matrimony” Pam tried to block it all out, to stop her heart from twisting into unpleasant positions. She was actually really curious to where Will had gone. After awhile, she decided he either ran away or choked on his cigarette.
Neither of these possible scenarios were correct however, as he slunk back into the pew just as Karen was saying “I do.” And then, another epiphany struck Pam as the next words left the priest’s mouth,
“…speak now or forever hold your peace.”
This was it. Her window. She just had to...had to...
Pam mustered up all the courage she had, and, shutting her eyes tight, tight, tight, she stood.
“I object!” One, two, three voices rang out in unison.
Chapter End Notes:
Oh my gosh. Whew. You have no idea how awesome it feels to have this up. I know it's really long and really emotionally magnificent, but stay with me here! I think we'll have about one or two more chapters, plus an epilougue. Next up: Well what do you think? :D
