INT – Bus Interior
NATALIE Talking Head:
Of course Michael would confuse a New York City baseball team with a world-famous art museum. Of course Michael would tell our bus driver that we were going to SEE The Mets instead of going TO The Met. Of course we would end up sitting in the same spot on the Long Island Expressway for 35 minutes, because Michael took us to Shea Stadium in Queens, instead of The Met which is Manhattan. It would usually only take us 22 minutes to get to Manhattan from Queens… That is, if there was no traffic, which never happens during rush hour, so it will probably take us 22 minutes, give or take an hour or three. With no air conditioning. In August. I mean, it’s Michael. I wouldn’t expect any less.
INT – Inside of the bus
The camera focuses on various pairs on the bus. Angela and Andy are playing Mad-Libs.
ANDY
Alright, give me a noun.
ANGELA
Cat.
ANDY
And another noun?
ANGELA
Cat.
ANDY
Now I need an adjective.
ANGELA
Hmm… Fluffy.
ANDY
Another adjective.
ANGELA
Cat-like.
The camera focuses on Stanley and Kevin who are playing cards. Kevin is holding about 15 or 16 cards. Stanley is holding one.
KEVIN
Do you have any sevens?
STANLEY
Go fish. Do you have any threes?
Kevin silently curses to himself and hands Stanley a card which allows Stanley to win.
STANLEY
End of game.
KEVIN
Dammit! I HATE this game. I knew we should’ve played War. I’m so much better at playing War.
STANLEY
Mmm-hmm. Gimme my five dollars.
The camera focuses back on Andy and Angela. They’ve completed their mad-lib.
ANDY
Alright, got it. “Once, there was a fluffy cat and his nice owner, Andrew. The owner, Andrew, thought his cat was very white. The cat disagreed. The cat thought he was very holy and cat-like. The cat clawed the owner; the owner had no idea the cat could speak! The owner jumped out of his cat house in amazement! ‘Yeah, I can run,’ said the cat. "Yeah," said the owner. "You run just like Harry Connick, Jr!"
Angela laughs.
ANDY
That is really good. Hey, you know I was thinking, at our wedding, we should-
Angela immediately stops smiling, and switches to her “stern” face.
ANGELA
No.
ANDY
But you haven’t even heard my idea yet. I was going to say we should Mad-Lib our wedding vows. Isn’t that genius?
ANGELA
No.
ANDY
You don’t like my idea?
ANGELA
I don’t want to talk about the wedding.
ANDY
But… you haven’t even started planning the wedding, Snookie.
ANGELA
Don’t call me Snookie.
The camera is now focused on Jim, and Phyllis and Natalie who are sitting behind him. They are sweating profusely. Jim looks like he has taken a shower with his clothes on and his hair is matted to his forehead. Natalie has shedded down to just a tank top and her hair is pulled up in a sloppy ponytail, Phyllis’ hair is a disaster and her eye make-up is starting to streak down her face.
JIM
I knew we should have gotten off and taken the subway.
PHYLLIS
Why didn’t you tell that to Michael?
JIM
Because Michael is someone who only appreciates bad ideas.
ANDY
I have an idea! How about we play a car game.
Everyone groans.
ANDY
Oh, come on.
DWIGHT
We can play Slug Bug.
EVERYONE
No.
ANDY
Ooh! I got it. Let’s play Who Am I? I’ll start. Alright, everybody guess who I am. I am awesome. I have the voice of an angel. And I went to Cornell.
JIM
Cornell. What is that? Is that like a rehab center?
ANDY
No. Cornell is an Ivy League school, where I happened to go to college.
JIM
Oh, you mean your anger management college?
ANDY
What? No, it’s-
MICHAEL
Ok, ok, my turn. Ok, I am gay, and I like to sleep with other men.
Oscar rolls his eyes.
JIM
Wow. Really?
MICHAEL
What, no. That’s… You’re supposed to guess who I am describing.
PHYLLIS
Are you describing yourself, Michael?
MICHAEL
Blech. No.
JIM
Todd Packer.
MICHAEL
No! And I was born in Mexico, and I have the same name as a character on Sesame Street.
NATALIE
Elmo.
MICHAEL
What? No.
JIM
Snuffleupgas.
MICHAEL
No, who would name their child Snuffleupgas? Come on.
NATALIE
Grover was always my favorite.
PHYLLIS
Oh, I like Kermit the Frog.
HOLLY
Kermit was such a push-over, though. He let Miss Piggy walk all over him.
ANGELA
Miss Piggy was a whore.
OSCAR
I thought Kermit was on The Muppets.
NATALIE
He was on Sesame Street when it first came around, but then he left for The Muppets. I think Disney bought him out or something.
JIM
Sell-out.
MICHAEL
Can we get back to the game, please?
ANDY
What about The Count? One bat, two bats, AH, AH, AH!
HOLLY
Cookie Monster was my favorite.
NATALIE
Now what starts with the letter C?
Everyone except Michael and Jim shout the answer and starts singing.
EVERYONE
Cookie starts with C! C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me. Oh, C is for cookie. That’s good enough for me.
MICHAEL
You still haven’t guessed who I am describing.
EVERYONE
C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me. Oh, cookie, cookie, cookie starts with C!
MICHAEL
Its Oscar!! Come on, gay, born in Mexico? Oscar the Grouch?
JIM
Wow. I never would have guessed.
OSCAR
I was not born in Mexico. Just because I’m Mexican does not mean I was born in Mexico, ok? I was born here, in America, just like you. We’ve been over this several times.
ANDY
I always thought Oscar the Grouch was kind of a douchebag.
There’s an awkward silence after Andy’s comment. Michael turns in his seat to face Andy.
MICHAEL
Way to kill the party, douche-racist.
NATALIE (to Jim)
That's really douchist of him to say that.
JIM
Douché.
EXT – Stairs of The Met
Sunset.
The bus pulls away from The Met. Michael bounces up the steps to the museum while the employees drag their feet behind him. The men are perspiring heavily through their shirts. Most of the women have stripped down to whatever sleeveless tops they were wearing under their blazers on sweaters. Michael and Jim’s hair is disheveled and matted to their foreheads.
NATALIE (to the camera as she walks up the steps)
Four hours later on a two-hour trip and we finally made it.
The camera focuses on Kevin who is struggling behind her.
KEVIN
Need… air… So… hot. Skin... melting.
INT - Inside of museum.
Michael walks inside and passes by the ticket counter, walking straight towards one of the exhibits. A lady in a uniform stops him before he proceeds.
TICKET LADY
May I help you, sir?
MICHAEL
Uh, nope. I’m good. Thank you for asking.
He attempts to pass her again, and she stops him.
TICKET LADY
Do you have a ticket, sir?
MICHAEL
Oh. I’m sorry. I wasn’t aware we needed tickets. Where do I-
JIM
Over here, Michael.
Jim nods from where he’s standing at the ticket counter, already being helped.
MICHAEL
Oh.
Michael walks over and stands next to Jim.
MICHAEL
Hello. I would like fourteen tickets, please.
LADY AT COUNTER
That will be two-hundred and eighty dollars.
MICHAEL
What?
LADY AT COUNTER
Two-eighty.
MICHAEL
You have to pay money just to look at finger paintings that any five-year-old with a crayon set can do? Can you eat the art? Is the art going to give me a massage? I mean, we’re just going to look at it.
JIM
Michael, come on. Don’t cause a scene.
MICHAEL
No. I won’t not… not cause a scene, this is ridiculous.
JIM
Ok, Michael, you know what? Look, I’ll pay for my own ticket. Ok? One, please.
Jim lays a bill on the counter and the lady hands him a ticket.
JIM
Thank you.
Jim walks off and Michael turns to face everyone.
MICHAEL
Alright, everybody, I need you to come over and pay for your ticket.
PHYLLIS
But you said you took care of everything and we wouldn’t have to pay.
MICHAEL
People lie all the time Phyllis. That's just the dealio of life. Twenty dollars. All of you, come on.
Everyone groans and starts pulling out their wallets.
STANLEY
I better see a reimbursement for this on my next paycheck.
MICHAEL
Take it up with HR.
HOLLY
Oh, but you didn’t clear this trip with anyone, Michael. I can’t-
MICHAEL
I didn’t mean you, sorry. I’m used to letting Toby deal with all the crap I don’t want to put up with. You, just… don’t worry your pretty little head about it.
INT – The Met
The camera follows Jim into a wing of the museum. The lights in the gallery are dim, and a banner that reads “Pratt Institute” hangs from the ceiling. Jim scans the crowd, which consists of small clusters of people, all dressed rather professionally and drinking from wine glasses. The camera spots Pam, conversing with an older gentleman. She’s standing by a wall of what appears to be her work, wearing a blue lace dress. She’s straightened her hair and has it pulled back in a tight ponytail.
The camera turns back to face Jim who is still searching for her. Jim turns to the camera.
JIM
What?
The camera turns to focus on Pam, then returns back to Jim who finally spots her.
JIM
Oh. Thank you.
Jim starts moving towards Pam, who is still talking to the older gentleman. The man's voice is muffled as Pam just nods.
PAM
No, I think he’s great, too.
Pam continues to listen to what the man is saying, but looks up and notices Jim. She immediately starts beaming at the sight of him.
PAM
Hey!
Jim shoots her a coy smile.
JIM
Hey.
The man pats Pam’s shoulder and makes a gesture to show that he’s about to leave.
PAM
Yes, thank you.
Pam turns and smiles at Jim.
PAM
Hi.
JIM
Another word for “hey”. But… sure. That works, too.
Pam shuts him up by throwing her arms around him in a hug. She quickly pulls away, scrunching her nose in disgust.
PAM
Wow, you… stink.
JIM
Thank you. Four hours in an un-air-conditioned bus will do that to you.
PAM
Yikes.
JIM
Yeah.
PAM
I got your text messages. So… Michael really brought everybody.
JIM
Oh yeah.
PAM
Is it too late to hide?
JIM
I don’t know. Last I saw of him, he was asking the lady at the ticket counter if the museum had any edible art.
PAM
Wow.
JIM
Yeah.
Jim finally stands back to take a look at her art work.
JIM
Speaking of wow…. Look at this.
Pam tries to hide a smile as Jim takes it all in. She’s obviously very proud of her display, which consists of seven colorful illustrations. She’s clearly moved on from her original “office art”, as her drawings now depict the New York City skyline, a child holding a balloon in Central Park, a taxi, the outside of a bakery on a city corner, fireworks over water, an arched bridge, and a final black-and-white drawing of a smiling Jim.
JIM (points at his picture)
I do not look like that.
PAM
Oh yes you do, actually.
Jim just smiles proudly at her.
PAM
So… what do you think?
JIM
I think pretty soon they’re going to have to give you your own wing. This is amazing, Pam. I mean, this is just so… awesome. You’re featured at The Metropolitan Museum of Art… I can’t think of any one else who deserves this more than you.
PAM
You have to say that because you’re my fiancé.
JIM
You’re right. Your art is horrible, actually. Just terrible.
Pam slaps him playfully. Jim just laughs.
JIM
What? You wanted me to be honest.
Pam just shakes her head at him as he beams down at her.
JIM
I am very proud of you.
Pam smiles and he gives her a kiss on the forehead. The camera focuses on Holly, who approaches them.
HOLLY
Hey, Pam.
PAM
Holly! Hey!
HOLLY
Wow. Are these yours?
PAM
Yeah.
HOLLY
Wow. They’re really good. You could be a professional.
JIM
Oh, she’s a professional.
Pam just laughs off his comment.
PAM
Whatever.
A loud banging noise comes from the background and the camera turns and focuses on Kevin who’s standing by a huge sculpture that looks like an enormous roll of duct tape. He’s kicking it repeatedly, for whatever reason. A security guard approaches him.
SECURITY GUARD
Sir, please don’t kick the sculptures.
Kevin just looks at the security guard and nods. As soon as the guard walks off, he kicks it again. The guard turns and glares at him. Jim and Pam share a look. The camera focuses on Meredith who can’t even walk in a straight line, and is stumbling down a hallway holding a glass of wine. We see Creed dumping wine out of the wine glasses and hiding them in his jacket like a kleptomaniac. Dwight is standing behind a woman in the gallery, sniffing her hair. The lady turns in surprise.
DWIGHT
Your hair smells like beets. What kind of shampoo do you use?
Michael, wearing his top hat, is moving towards them, taking in his surroundings.
MICHAEL
Wow, look at this place! This would be a good place to host the Dundies. (Recognizes Pam.) And there she is! The lady of the hour. Pamcasso!
PAM
Oh, God.
Author's Chapter Notes:
I apologize for the long delay between chapters. Summer school just ended, and I picked up on my fall semester today, but luckily was inspired to finish this little story up on the train ride back from the city - and after picking up my Season 4 DVD. :) Thanks for sticking with me, guys.
Chapter End Notes:
I always see the Dunder Mifflin gang as the embarrassing family that you can never take out in public. Haha. The closing act should be up shortly. :) And as always, I'd love to hear what you all think.
