INT – Art gallery
Pam and Jim are standing by Pam’s wall of artwork as Michael approaches them.
MICHAEL
Pam-a-lama! Pam-angelo!
Michael runs up to Pam and gives her a giant hug, lifting her off of the floor in the process.
PAM
Whoa! Michael.
Michael places her back on the ground, but keeps his arms around her in a bear hug.
MICHAEL
Oh, Pam. I miss you so much.
PAM
Ok, Michael.
Michael finally pulls away.
MICHAEL
Ugh, you wouldn’t believe the low-life they sent to replace you. She is just… awful. She always writes in these bright colors like fluorescent pink or purple… You know, I think she’s trying to make me go blind on purpose.
PAM
Well, why don’t you just tell her to use a different color, Michael?
MICHAEL
No. I’m too nice to say anything about it, you know? That’s just who I am.
PAM
I know.
JIM
Hey. I am going to go check out the gift shop.
PAM
Oh, great. I’ll go with you.
MICHAEL
Don’t worry. I’ll keep an eye on your wall. Make sure it doesn’t get stolen.
Michael looks at Pam's art and points at the portrait of Jim. He looks at the camera, showing them the picture.
MICHAEL
That is Michael Phelps. This guy won a couple of Olympic medals. I think.
Kevin and Andy approach Michael.
KEVIN
Michael. You've got to come pee with us.
MICHAEL
That's gross, Kevin.
KEVIN
You don't understand. You get to pee in this giant sink. And then it flushes all by itself.
MICHAEL
That's just... weird.
ANDY
Come on. Go to the bathroom with us. It'll be fun.
KEVIN
Like an adventure.
MICHAEL
No, thanks guys.
KEVIN
Hey Andy, guess what. I have to pee again.
ANDY
Let's go.
Andy and Kevin run off.
INT - Art gallery.
Oscar and Natalie are standing in a different wing, looking at a piece of art.
OSCAR
And each of the six panels represents an aspect of life in Harlem.
NATALIE
It's really cool. The artist reveals the private moments of tenement life as well as the exhuberant humanity that existed in your typical New York City block.
Oscar seems impressed with her knowledge.
OSCAR
Have you heard of the Finer Things Club?
INT - Wing that holds Pam's gallery.
Dwight runs in from another room and approaches Michael.
DWIGHT
Michael, Michael. Come look at what I found. You’re gonna love it.
MICHAEL
Knowing you, it’s probably something stupid like the Chewbacca costume from Star Wars.
DWIGHT
Not possible. Chewbacca is very real. This is way cooler. Follow me.
Michael rolls his eyes and reluctantly follows Dwight into another gallery. The room is void of people, but full of what look like colorful African tribal masks.
MICHAEL
Oh. Wow.
DWIGHT
See! Isn’t this cool?
MICHAEL
You were right. This is very cool.
Michael picks up a mask and holds it in front of his face, giggling like a little schoolboy.
MICHAEL
Look at me, look at me. Hi, my name is Howard. I have a long nose.
DWIGHT
Look at me, look at me, look at me.
The camera swivels to show Dwight holding a different mask in front of his face. Dwight deepens his voice a bit to get into character.
DWIGHT
Hey… What are you lookin’ at? Hey. I’m from New York. Hey. I’m a tough guy.
Dwight and Michael burst out laughing, still hiding behind the masks. Michael starts impersonating a New York accent.
MICHAEL
Watch this, watch this… Hey! I’m walkin’ here!!
DWIGHT
You talkin' to me?
MICHAEL
You got it tough guy!
DWIGHT
Are you talkin' to me?
They continue trading off in different characters as the camera catches Jim walking by. Jim comes to a stop and enters the gallery.
JIM
Guys! What are you doing? Put those down.
MICHAEL
Hey Jim, watch this, watch this. What cha gonna do about it?? Huh?
JIM
Michael! Put the mask down.
DWIGHT
Look at me, look at me.
JIM
Dwight! Put. The Mask. Down.
A security guard steps into the room behind Jim with a look of astonishment on his face. None of the guys notice him.
JIM
Michael, Dwight. Stop it!
Michael and Dwight just laugh.
JIM
Seriously, guys!
SECURITY GUARD
What. In the hell. Are you doing?
Both Michael and Dwight look up, still holding the masks in front of their faces. Jim turns around in shock.
INT – A small office.
Jim and Dwight are sitting in two out of three chairs that are placed in front of a small desk. Kevin and Andy are standing against the wall by the door. Michael is pacing around the room with his hands in his pockets, looking at the various portraits on the wall. Michael stops in front of an oil painting.
MICHAEL
Hmm. This one’s still wet.
Michael reaches out to touch the painting and almost knocks it off the wall.
JIM
Dammit, Michael. Would you sit down, please?
MICHAEL
Whatever you say, Jim.
Jim sighs in frustration as Michael takes a seat on the other side of Dwight. Michael looks over at Kevin and Andy.
MICHAEL
Why are you two here?
KEVIN
We started throwing stuff in the giant sink. It clogged up really bad.
Two security guys in uniform enter the room, shutting the door behind them. One of the guards notices the camera.
SECURITY GUY #1
You need to turn that camera off right now.
MICHAEL
He’s cool, he’s with us.
SECURITY GUY #1
That’s exactly why I want the camera off.
MICHAEL (rolls his eyes)
Wow. This guy is a real buzzkiller.
The cameraman makes an effort to hide the camera in the seat beside him, but continues to film.
SECURITY GUY #1
Now. I’m sure you realize why you’re here.
MICHAEL (turns to his employees)
It’s ok, I can handle this. I learned this in my deposition meeting.
Michael turns back to the security guard who takes a seat behind the desk.
MICHAEL
We all swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but it, and the truth is we plead not guilty, your honor.
KEVIN
Not guilty! ... Your honor.
Michael turns to the guys and gives them a wink. Dwight nods in confirmation. Jim just shakes his head. The security guard stares at them in disbelief. A third security guard opens the door and walks in with Creed.
SECURITY GUARD #3
I got another one for you, Ed. We found this one swiping silverware from the cafeteria.
SECURITY GUARD #1 (to the guys)
Does this man belong to you?
MICHAEL
I’ve never seen him before in my life.
CREED
Hey. Michael, Dwight, Jim! Hey, Kevin. Andy.
JIM
He chooses now to remember our names.
The third security guard is emptying Creed’s pockets, which contain watches, keys, badges, brochures...
SECURITY GUARD #2
Hey! Those are my keys! How did you get those?
CREED
Are those yours? I thought those were my car keys.
The security guard holds up his keychain which is holding way more than 50 keys.
SECURITY GUARD #2
You thought these were your car keys?
CREED
I own a lot of cars.
INT – Art gallery.
Kelly is talking to Pam.
KELLY
I’m so glad you moved to New York, because it has taught you all about fashion. Seriously, those cardigans you wore made you look like an 80-year-old librarian. And the J. Crew sweaters were cute and all, but seriously J.Crew was only popular back when Dawson’s Creek was still on the WB.
PAM
Wow. Thanks, Kelly.
Angela walks by wearing a scarf on her head and shades.
PAM
Hey, Angela .
ANGELA
Pam.
PAM
How’s the wedding planning going?
ANGELA
It’s not.
PAM
Oh. Ok. How are things with Andy?
ANGELA
Terrible.
PAM
Right.
ANGELA
He wanted his family dog to be the ring bearer.
PAM
Oh. Well, that’s kind of cute-
ANGELA
Are you kidding? We misewell let a rabid squirrel walk down the aisle.
Pam’s cell phone rings. She takes her phone out of her purse and holds it up to Angela.
PAM
Phone call.
Pam walks away and answers the call.
PAM
Hey. Where are you? (beat) Why are you outside?
EXT – Stairs of the Met.
Jim, Creed, Kevin, Michael and Dwight are sitting on the steps and we hear banjo playing in the background. The camera zooms out and we see Andy sitting beside them, playing his banjo and singing “Super Freak” by Rick James.
ANDY
She’s a super freak, super freak. She’s super freaky, yow! Temptations sing, come on guys-
He waves at the guys to join him in singing. They refuse.
ANDY
Ohhhhh ohhhhh. Come on, join in. Ohhhhhhh ohhhhh.
A patron walks by and drops coins in Michael’s top hat which is sitting on the steps beside him.
ANDY
Thank you, my lady!
JIM (to Michael)
I can't believe you got us kicked out.
MICHAEL
Why are you looking at me? Dwight's the one who started it. You're my best friend, Jim. I would never do anything to make you upset. You know that.
JIM
I'm not your best friend.
Dwight raises his hand.
DWIGHT
Right here.
MICHAEL
Sure you are. And when I get married, you are going to be my best man.
JIM
No, I'm not.
Dwight raises his hand again.
DWIGHT
As your best friend, I will be your best man, Michael.
MICHAEL
You're not my best friend.
DWIGHT
I'm your only friend. Which automatically makes me the best.
Pam comes walking down the steps.
PAM
You were kicked out of the Met?
Jim stands up.
JIM
Not only that, but we were banned from coming here until 2010.
PAM
You’re kidding.
JIM
No.
PAM
Wow. I never knew you were such a hooligan, Jim.
JIM
Yeah, but I guess this means we’re even.
PAM
What do you mean?
JIM
Well thanks to Michael, we'll never get to enjoy all of the fine art that The Met has to offer. And thanks to you, I won’t be able to enjoy Chili’s for the rest of my life. Not unless we dress you up in a clever disguise.
Pam smiles.
PAM
Whatever.
JIM
Hey, I want my Chili's baby back ribs. They’re delicious.
PAM
Hey, you know today’s Friday. Which means I have the rest of the weekend off. And I have everything I need at our place back home so… I’m thinking I can ride back with you guys.
JIM
That just might make the unairconditioned ride worth it.
PAM
Oh, right. I forgot about that. Never mind, you go home in the stinky bus. I'll just stay here for the weekend.
JIM
Well you can't because I'm kidnapping you.
PAM
Really? Can I at least get a pretzel for the ride?
JIM
Hmm... I guess so.
They walk towards a pretzel stand on the corner.
PAM
And a Diet Coke?
JIM
Definitely not.
PAM
You're going to have me eat all of that salt and not have anything to drink? I believe that's in clear defiance of the Geneva Convention.
JIM
Wow. That's a little drastic, don't you think? You're hardly a prisoner of war here.
Pam laughs.
JIM
I'm sorry we ruined your night.
PAM
You didn't ruin it. All of these cultural New Yorkers, they're all kind of... pretentious and snobby anyway. Who cares what they think?
JIM
You do.
PAM
Yeah, you're right. But I'm marrying the best paper salesman in the world. Pretty soon, we'll be able to buy the museum and fill it with our own art.
JIM
Ooh, we can put a monorail in it.
PAM
A monorail?
JIM
I've just always wanted to ride on one.
They laugh and walk off screen.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Still don't own anything.
Chapter End Notes:
:) Hope you enjoyed this little episode!
Nightswept is the author of 12 other stories.
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