Despite, or really because of, the uproar in the church her collapse had created, Pam didn’t allow herself to “wake up” until Roy had carried her limp body out of the sanctuary and into a small dressing room nearby, where he deposited her gently on the couch.

Then she slowly opened her eyes, fluttering them a bit in an attempt to realistically portray the one came out of a faint.

“Pam, thank god.” It was Roy, who was kneeling next to her. Pam saw her parents hovering anxiously behind him, and Roy’s parents and the minister and the bridesmaids all crowding the room while trying to keep a discrete distance. They weren’t doing a very good job.

“Somebody get her some water,” her mother said to the crowd behind her. “Pam, are you okay, honey?”

“My head hurts,” Pam blurted.

Great. Not only was she a coward, but she was a horrible actress as well. ‘My head hurts?’ Really?

Nobody seemed to think that her response was odd, however. They buzzed around her, getting her a pillow, straightening her skirts, helping her sit up to swallow the small cup of water that Roy’s sister had brought her.

“Pam, what happened?” her father asked anxiously.

Pam clutched the cup close to her chest and kept her eyes cast down, finding it impossible to meet anyone’s eyes.

“I don’t know…I…”

And then the tears came.

“It’s okay, Pam,” said Roy, who was now sitting beside her with his arm around her back and a hand on her knee. “It’s not a big deal…”

“You’ve been under a lot of pressure, honey,” said her mother, coming to sit on her other side and handing her a tissue. “All this fuss about the wedding, and…everything. It’s no wonder it all caught up to you like this.”

Pam, sniffing, finally looked up to meet her mother’s eyes. Better than anyone, Carol Beesly knew exactly what kind of pressure Pam had been under. For a moment, the two women simply looked at each other, and then Pam knew her mother understood everything.

They smiled sadly at each other, and then Pam looked back down at her cup.

“I want to be alone with Roy for a few minutes, please,” she whispered.

Her mother stood immediately and started the process of herding the crowd out into the hall. Pam knew the gossip was already starting—she could hear the whispers. But she didn’t care anymore. Her mother shot her one last encouraging smile before shutting the door behind her, and then she was alone with Roy. Pam took a deep breath, and turned to face him.

It was the most difficult thing she had ever done.

*************

It rained that night. A loud, crashing storm beat against the windows of the spare room in her parent’s house, and Pam was glad. It seemed only fitting that the weather should match her emotions. She was supposed to be sleeping—her grandmother had given her some of her pills—but Pam had just pocketed them. Instead, she was pacing back and forth, a cordless phone clutched in her hand, and trying to think about something other than the events of the past few hours.

It had been every bit as horrible as she had feared it would be, and then it had gotten worse.

At first, Roy had refused to believe what she was telling him, and then he had gotten angry. Really angry. She had humiliated him in front of all his friends and family, and Pam didn’t think he was ever going to be able to forgive her.

But his anger was nothing compared to his mother’s. When Pam had finally left the church with her parents after changing out of her dress and giving the guests time to be completely gone, she had found Mrs. Anderson lying in wait in the parking lot.

She had totally let loose, screaming in Pam’s face, her eyes bulging with anger. Pam had cowered back, completely shocked and too ashamed to retort. Thankfully, Pam’s mother had stepped in to defend her daughter, hurrying Pam into the back seat of their car and putting an end to Mrs. Anderson’s tirade with a few cutting remarks of her own.

Pam was crying again as they pulled away. She had never been able to build a close relationship with Roy’s mother—they had just never really clicked despite repeated attempts on Pam’s part to bridge the gap. Despite this, Pam had had no idea that the woman would be capable of unleashing such venom on the girl who had practically been her daughter-in-law for all these years.

When they had finally reached her parent’s house, Pam had been forced to face the family members who were staying there. Some were sympathetic and some were disapproving (although at least they tried to hide it), but they were all unwelcome.

Pam had finally found solitary refuge in this small bedroom where she had grown up. She locked herself in, determined not to open that door again for anything. She didn’t want to be around anyone right now, even her mother. She didn’t care if she saw another relative or friend or coworker in her life, with one exception:

Jim.

She longed for him to be here now. To hold her, to comfort her, to make her laugh. He was the only person in the world who would not judge her for what she had done.

But Jim was in Australia—had left two days ago.

She could call him. She knew the name of his hotel, had looked up the number on the Internet. It was the middle of the night here, that made it the middle of the afternoon in Australia—a perfectly decent time to call. This is why she was pacing with the phone in her hand. Even if he couldn’t be here with her now, at least she could have the comfort of his voice.

But something held her back.

Maybe he wouldn’t want her to call. Maybe he was over it. It had been a month now since that horrible night when he had confessed his feelings for her and she had rejected him—twice. Oh, why had she done that? She had been such a fool.

It had ruined everything—their friendship had been nonexistent from that point. Going in to work every morning had been torture, knowing that she had to sit there, only a few feet away from him but unable to make things like they had been again. One day in the break room, she had made a feeble attempt to joke with him about something Dwight had said, and Jim had just looked at her, his eyes dead.

“I'm sorry, Pam,” he had whispered. “I can't. I just can't.”

He had gone back to his desk, and Pam had escaped to bathroom, feeling as though she had received a dagger to the heart.

Jim had announced his impending transfer, and then had actually made the move the weekend before the wedding. When he came back from Australia, he would come home to Stamford.

Pam didn’t know whether to laugh or cry over the fact that despite all of this, she had somehow still expected him to be there for her today—to give it one last try. What a selfish little brat she was.

And that was why she couldn’t force her fingers to dial the numbers. She didn’t deserve him. Didn’t deserve his love. He had given her everything—for years, he had stood by and supported her, loved her, sacrificed his own happiness for her. And she had given him nothing but rejection and pain.

How many times had he listened in silence to her complaining about Roy? How many times had he done thoughtful little things for her just to brighten her day? How many times had he rescued her from Michael or Dwight and their insane demands?

And in return, she had flirted with him, used him, given him false hope until he got too close, and then she pushed him away, not caring if she hurt him if it saved her own conscience.

And then she expected him to show up at her wedding and risk it all again.

She owed him. She owed him more than a pitiful little phone call—“I didn’t get married. I’m sorry, I was wrong. I love you. Please forgive the last three years and come comfort me.”

He deserved so much more than that.

He deserved a grand gesture—something to really prove to him that she would make it all up to him if he would just give her time and one more chance. But what?

After only a moment’s thought, she knew what the answer was. The idea terrified her—what if he rejected her? It was a huge risk.

Suddenly, she hated herself. If she wasn’t willing to risk this, then she really didn’t deserve his love. Before she could second-guess herself again, Pam put the phone back in the receiver and sat down at her laptop. She would have to act quickly.

************

Two hours later Pam sneaked quietly downstairs, a suitcase in one hand and a bag over her shoulder. She headed for the kitchen to leave her note on the fridge, and was surprised to find the light already on. Her mother was there—fully dressed and nursing a cup of tea at the table. She looked up as Pam walked in and smiled.

“Mom, what are you doing up? It's four in morning,” said Pam.

Carol simply shrugged.

“I thought you might need a ride.”

Pam felt a wave of love and gratitude sweep over her as she returned her mother's smile.

“Thanks, Mom,” she whispered, tears welling up once again.

“Well, let's go. I'll explain to your father and everyone when I get back.”

Carol grabbed her purse and keys off the counter and they headed towards the garage together. As Carol opened the door for Pam, she asked, “Did you pack some warm clothes, honey? You know it's winter now in Australia.”