About an hour later Jim was pulling his SUV into the parking garage of his Philadelphia apartment complex with two very hungry kids bouncing around the backseat. The drive had been long, which was normal, but the kids had kept him entertained with stories of baseball games and dance class. Hearing those stories made him regret even more living so far away, he missed so much.

“I like Miss Adrianna okay I guess,” Lizzie was explaining to him, “but I wish that Mrs. Kelly would come back. She’s my favorite dance teacher ever!”

“Isn’t she the only one you’ve ever had besides Miss Adrianna?” Jim asked her daughter and she shrugged. “When is Kelly coming back to class?”

“She said she’ll be back when the baby is a little older,” Lizzie continued, playing with the end of her ponytail, “I hope it is soon.”

Jim remembered when Kelly had told them she was going to be starting her own dance studio. It was everything he could do to not burst out laughing, but when Lizzie had shown interest in dance, Jim turned suddenly grateful. Kelly insisted that she would not take their money so Lizzie danced for free. Kelly and Daryl had been married five years now and just had their first baby.

“I forgot she was pregnant,” Jim said more to himself than to the kids, “so what did her and Daryl end up having?”

“It’s a boy,” Carter told him, “mom took us to visit Uncle Daryl and Aunt Kelly last week in the hospital. Mom held baby Winston.”

“So Kelly named him Winston after all,” Jim mumbled with a smile, “I knew that she was arguing for that name. How are they doing?”

“Good I guess,” Carter said shrugging, “Aunt Kelly seemed happy.”

“I’ll have to give Daryl a call this week,” Jim said aloud and made a mental note, “okay guys, you ready for a night in with dad?”

“I’m really hungry daddy,” Lizzie complained her auburn ponytail bouncing as she climbed down from the car. “Can you make us grilled cheese for dinner?”

“Sure princess,” Jim agreed, “if that is what you want.”-

Both little heads nodded and Jim smiled, “grilled cheese it is then! Let’s get your stuff inside and I’ll start dinner.”

They rode the elevator up to the eleventh floor, the home of Jim’s apartment, and skipped down to the end of the hall. Jim’s apartment was not the typical bachelor pad that most people expected. It had elements of that, of course, but it was also filled with pictures of his kids and family members. Toys that Lizzie and Carter kept at his house were found all over, not just in their personally decorated rooms, and then of course there was his and Pam’s wedding picture that he refused to put away.

There was of course though video game systems that were always pulled into the TV and games were stacked nearby along with the endless amounts of movies Jim had come to own over the years.

Carter and Lizzie took their bags to their rooms and Jim was glad he had decided to go ahead and pay more for the extra bedroom. Even though they only came and stayed with him every other weekend and some holidays he wanted them to feel at home.

Lizzie’s room had been painted in a bright bubblegum pink color and the Disney Princess bed set just added to the girly-ness of the room. Her room back in Scranton was similar, only Pam had painted a mural on one of the walls there. Carter’s room was all boy. It was completely sports themed and Jim had even managed to grab some authentic Phillies and Eagles gear for the room.

Jim poured each kid a glass of their favorite fruit juice and sat it on the counter next to the stools they would always come and sit at while he was making dinner. It was tradition. They would continue telling him about the things they’d done since the last time he had seen them and Jim would laugh at their stories and tell some of his own about the athletes he’d interviewed.

Carter was the first one to join him in the kitchen.

“So sport,” Jim started after Carter climbed up on the bar stool. “You never finished telling me the story about your baseball game last week.”

“Oh yeah,” Carter exclaimed his face lighting up, “so, it was our last game of the spring and we were playing this really hard team from a city over. We’d been playing really good, but it was all tied up and we had 2 outs already. Then I was up to bat. Dad I was so nervous…”

“Why?” Jim asked, “You’re my little slugger, those guys should have been shaking in their cleats.”

“Well,” Carter laughed, “after I had two strikes I was really doubting my chance, but then I remembered something you told me.”

“And that was?”

“You told me once, right after I struck out of my first Little League game, that no matter what - win or lose, you and mom would still love me and that it didn’t matter. You told me that as long as I was having fun that was all that mattered.”

“And so?”

“He hit a homerun daddy!” Lizzie supplied and Carter shoved his little sister as she spoiled his news. “What?”

“I wanted to tell you,” Carter complained to Jim, “but she ruined it.”

“She is just happy for you,” Jim explained, “and so am I. That is awesome Carter. You won your team the last game. How cool did that feel?”

“It was totally awesome,” Carter gushed, “we even went out afterwards to celebrate and mom let me order whatever I wanted. It didn’t even have to be on the kids’ menu.”

“What did you get?”

“I got chicken tacos,” Carter said, “I like those a lot.”

“Nice choice,” Jim agreed nodding his head, his eyes otherwise focused on their dinner. “I’m really proud of you sport.”

“Thanks dad. I wish you could have been there though.”

“Me too buddy,” Jim agreed and tried unsuccessfully to not be upset at himself for missing another event in his child’s life. “Okay, dinner is served.”

They sat around his small dining room table eating grilled cheese sandwiches and chips and Jim knew the only thing that would make it perfect would be to have Pam sitting there with him. Jim shook his head to clear his thoughts and focused his attention on Lizzie’s story about the stray kitten in their neighborhood.

--

Pam wove her car through the streets of her subdivision before pulling into her driveway. The house was dark and quiet and Pam knew she was in for a long weekend of nothing.

“Hey!” a voice caught her by surprise and she looked up to see her sister coming down from the front porch. “Where have you been big sis?”

“I had to drop the kids off,” Pam supplied, “it’s his weekend.”

“Oh,” Emmy Beesley answered and pulled her sister into a hug. “How did he look?”

“Don’t do that Emmy,” Pam begged, “please. Not today.”

“Pam…”

“No,” Pam stopped her. “I have to stop doing this to myself and you bugging me doesn’t help any.”-

“Pam you know that I’m not doing it to hurt you,” Emmy assured her sister. “I just don’t want to see you giving up.”

“I did not give up.”

“You didn’t?”

“No,” Pam said, “he did.”

“You know that isn’t c completely true.”

“Yes it is Emmy,” Pam said and sat down on the porch steps. “He shut me out. He wouldn’t talk to me and I couldn’t take it anymore. I tried. For six months I tried to get him to open up and to talk to me but he wouldn’t.”

“He was hurting.”

“And I wasn’t?” Pam cried, the tears spilling over her cheeks. “I needed my husband and he shut down.”

“You should give him another chance Pam,” Emmy insisted sitting down next to Pam and wrapping her arm around her sister. “I think you’ve both suffered enough.”

“He doesn’t want me anymore,” Pam said, wiping at her eyes. “Why else would he have moved to Philadelphia?”

“Because he needed to get away,” Emmy suggested, “he wanted to give you space. After everything with Tey…”

“Don’t Emmy,” Pam gasped, choking on a sob, “please don’t? I don’t think…I can’t. Not right now.”

“Okay,” Emmy relented, “I won’t right now. But you have to talk about it Pam. It’s been nearly a year.”

“I know how long it has been Emmy,” Pam said, her voice laced with a hint of bitterness, “I know to the day how long it has been. I’m sure I’ll always know that.”

“And you need to talk about it,” Emmy insisted, “that is the only way you’ll be able to heal completely.”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Pam.”

“I don’t, why doesn’t anyone understand that?”

“Why didn’t you?”

“What?”

“Jim didn’t want to talk about it,” Emmy said simply, “and you pushed him. That is when he shut down. He needed time to deal with it all.”-

“I needed my husband.”

“I know,” Emmy said, her voice softening, “but…”

“Can we drop this?” Pam asked suddenly. “I don’t want to talk anymore.”

“And that is your problem right now,” Emmy told her with a shrug. “But I’ll drop it for now if you really want me too. I didn’t come over here to argue with you.”

“I know you didn’t,” Pam told her sister, “it just happens.”

“I just think…”

“I know what you think,” Pam interrupted, “but I think it’s too late.”

“It’s only too late if you give up on it,” Emmy told her. “Which, I don’t think you want to do.”

“What makes you say that?”

“You’ve haven’t filed for divorce,” she said simply and Pam looked up at her. “And neither has he. That makes me believe you have a fighting chance.”

“I wish it was that simple.”

“It is.”

“No it isn’t,” Pam said tucking her knees into her chest. “It isn’t that simple to just let go.”

“Pam?” Emmy asked after a silent moment, “Do you blame him?”

“Sometimes…I can’t help it.”

“Pam,” Emmy’s voice said with so much sadness that Pam lost it again.

“I don’t want to,” Pam cried, the tears streaming down her face, “but…”

“He blames himself enough,” Emmy said, “he doesn’t need you to blame him too.”

“But…”

“I want you to do something for me,” Emmy said, stopping her sister. “I want you to go and talk to someone…”

“A shrink?”

“I think it would help you,” Emmy added, “a lot.”

“I don’t know,” Pam said, “I don’t really want to talk to anyone…anyways, I could just talk to you.”

“You may not want to,” Emmy said, “but it will help. Trust me. And you know that I can’t treat my own family. I have a lot of colleagues though who specialize in grief management…”

“But…”

“Think about it,” Emmy said and went to stand. “I’d better go. I’m sorry Pam.”

“Don’t be,” she replied and flashed her sister a smile. “Thanks for caring.”

“You’re welcome,” she said smiling. “Give those kids of yours hugs and kisses for me, okay? And give me a call if you need a number…”

“I will,” Pam insisted, “to both.”

“Good,” Emmy said. “Bye.”

“Bye.”

Pam watched her sister drive away with tears streaming down her cheeks. Emmy was right. Pam knew that. Pam didn’t want to see a shrink though; she didn’t want to take responsibility for what happened between her and Jim. It was much easier to deal with when it was pinned on him. But that wasn’t fair to him.

Maybe she would give one of Emmy’s friends a call. Talking to someone would make her deal with it all, and as much as it scared her, she knew it was probably what she needed to do. For Jim, for Carter and Lizzie, but most importantly, for herself.

She sat out in the cool night air and cried until her head hurt. When she finally regained enough strength she unlocked her front door, closing it quickly behind her. Making it as far as the living room she collapsed onto her couch, tears still filling her eyes, and fell into a deep sleep.