Jim woke up with a start, the apartment dark and silent around him, with just the lights from the city peaking through his closed blinds. He took several deep breaths trying to calm his heart rate and wiped the back of his hand across his forehead removing the sweat that had settled there. Rolling over he glanced at the clock and couldn’t stifle his groan. It was only three am and he knew that he wouldn’t be getting much more sleep that night.
Leaning over to his nightstand he flipped on the reading lap that sat there, pulled out a small spiral notebook and opened to the last page marked. Quickly he scribbled the date and made a tally mark. He didn’t want to count the rest of the tally marks on the page, but he couldn’t help it.
Four.
Four tally marks since his last session, not quite a week ago. At least the number was going down. Jim recapped the pen and closed the notebook before returning it to its spot tucked far into the back of the nightstand drawer. Jim turned back over and lay on his back, his eyes refusing to shut as he knew the images that were waiting for him if he did.
Images and sounds that he was fighting hard to forget. Fighting to fade from his memory.
Kicking his feet around the side of the bed he pulled himself up and headed out of his room and into the kitchen. Being extra quiet because of Carter and Lizzie, he poured himself a glass of water and settled in on the couch.
Jim felt the tears fall down his cheeks and did nothing to try and stop them. He didn’t want them to stop. It was his release and the only thing that would allow him to get any sort of sleep that night without the haunting images coming back.
Slowly, Jim walked over to his entertainment center, and pulled down a picture frame from far in the back. On the outside, peering back him from behind the glass was a picture of him and Pam with Carter, right after he was born. Jim took the frame and held it against his chest, the silver cold against his fingertips. Sitting back down on the couch he flipped it over to show the black felt backing and slowly pried away the clips holding it in place.
His hands were shaking; he couldn’t remember the last time he’d actually allowed himself to look at pictures. It had been too hard. Pam had pulled all the pictures down after everything had happened and he’d barely managed to pull this one out before they were stored away. He knew where they were kept in the house and knew that once in awhile when Pam was feeling really down she would go through them. He wondered when the last time she had down that was. He wondered if she would do that today.
He hadn’t looked at the pictures since she stored them away, since he’d taken this one and put it behind the other picture in this frame. It was a frame that had sat on a shelf in his home office before he’d moved; she didn’t know he’d taken it.
Lifting off the back cover he held his breath. Staring back at him was a pair of emerald green eyes, just like her mother, and a bright smile with two front teeth missing. The tears came faster and Jim squeezed his eyes shut.
Amidst the sobs that raked his body he whispered, over and over again, “I’m sorry…God, I’m so sorry Tehya...”
--
Pam woke with a start, the sun in her face, and it took her a few minutes to realize where she was. Pulling herself up of her couch and rubbed the back of her neck. It was sore; probably from the way she slept on it, and stretched her legs out in front of her. The house was already too quiet and she flipped on the TV to drown out the silence.
She poured herself a cup of tea and sat down on the bar stool in the kitchen, running a hand through her unkempt hair.
“Get it together Pam,” she scolded herself, “this isn’t the first weekend without them.”
Pam knew why it was getting to her so bad today. She glanced up at the date and a tear collected in her eye. Pam climbed the stairs and sat down on her bed. She knew what she wanted to do, but it had been months since she had last allowed herself to really remember.
Pam looked out of her bedroom door to the attic door directly across from her room. The
door was locked; she knew that and the key was tucked away in her jewelry box. She didn’t want Carter or Lizzie to go up there. She didn’t want to answer the questions she knew they would ask.
She debated over and over again of whether or not she wanted to go up there. She knew she should, but actually getting her feet to agree with her mind was a struggle.
Twenty minutes later she was standing inside the attic door at the bottom of the steps. Taking the steps slowly it was another five minutes before she got up to the top and the tears were streaming down her face by the time she got to the top.
In the back corner there was a set of about twenty boxes, all marked TH and Pam ran her hand gingerly over the sides and the letters allowing herself to take everything in.
She, for the briefest moment, wish Jim was by her side. Going through these with her. But he wasn’t. He was taking care of their kids, probably remembering this day himself, and she knew that she missed him.
She wondered if Carter or Lizzie remembered what today was. She wondered if they would say anything to Jim and how he would respond. She wondered what kind of explanation he would give, if there was one to even vocalize.
She pulled the top box down off the pile and sat cross-legged on the floor. Her jeans were wrinkled from sleeping on them all night and her shirt was grungy from over twenty-four hours of wear but she didn’t care. Slipping her hand underneath the lid of the box she quickly opened it, before she could change her mind.
Pam bit her lip and blinked her eyes a few times in attempt to clear the tears that had settled there. Through the haze of her tears the light yellow and green book stared back at her. The monogram letters of T.H.H. were embossed on the cover and Pam held the baby book to her chest.
Pam let the tears flow; she knew trying to hold them in would be futile, so the streamed down her face. When Pam finally convinced herself to open the book she saw the picture of her, very pregnant, with Carter, just over a year, in his highchair right next to her.
She was smiling brightly, her left hand resting on her protruding stomach, and she knew that Jim was behind the camera. She remembered the day she found out she was pregnant again.
Pam was curled up on the couch, her favorite blanket tucked around her waist, while 7-month-old Carter slept in his fold-out playpen. She had stayed home from work again today after feeling crappy in the morning and had finally agreed to go to the doctors.
Now she was waiting for Jim to get home, her mind wandering, not sure about the news she had to give him.
“Hey honey,” she heard his voice against her ear, “how are you feeling?”
“I’m a little better now,” she answered with a smile and kissed his cheek. “How was work?”
“Too long,” Jim answered and came to sit down next to her. “Michael had to call Dwight off of some insane hypothesis about your sickness and Kelly talked my ear off all day since you weren’t there, thanks for that.”
“Sorry,” she said with a giggle, “now you know what I have to deal with…”
“And I’m stunned you can do it,” Jim teased, “I’d blow my brains out.”
“Sometimes I want to,” she admitted and Jim laughed.
“How is the little guy?”
“Sleeping,” Pam told him with a sigh. “He’s been good today. Mom said he was an angel while she watched him.”
“That’s right,” Jim said with a nod, “you went to the doctor’s today. What did they say?”
“Well,” Pam took a breath, “I’m going to be sick for awhile.”
“Why? Honey, what’s wrong?”
“Well…”
“Pam, you are really starting to scare me here.”
“Jim,” Pam said, a smile tugging at her lips. “You make such a good daddy…”
“Thanks Pam,” he answered and she knew he was getting frustrated, “but would you please tell me…”
Pam tried hard not to smile as a look of revelation crossed over his face.
“Wait a second,” he said and took her face in-between his hands, “are you trying to tell me that you are pregnant? Again?”
Pam nodded and he looked at her in shock, “but…how?”
“Jim honey,” Pam said with a teasing tone, “I think you know how…”
“Well yeah, but…”
“The doctor said that it happens sometimes,” Pam said, “I guess woman have increased fertility for a few months after she gives birth.”
“Wow.”
“I know.”
“How far along are we?”
“About two months,” Pam told him, “which makes sense. This new little one is due April first.”
“April Fool’s Day!” Jim exclaimed excitedly. “I hope she is born on that day, I could have so much fun with that.”
“I pray she isn’t,” Pam argued, “for that reason alone. And what makes you think it is going to be a girl? This is going to be stressful, Carter will be barely one.”
“We’ll be fine,” Jim promised, “it’ll be an adjustment, but we’ll make it work. Call it a father’s instinct, the baby inside you is totally a girl.”
“Are you sure about this?”
“I am,” Jim told her, “and I‘ll start cleaning out one of the extra rooms.”
“You don‘t have to do that right away Jim, we have a few months to get ready.”
“But I don‘t mind starting right away,” Jim said with a shrug, “I don’t see why I shouldn‘t.”
“We’re going to be parents,” Pam said, “again.”
Jim leaned over and pressed his lips to Pam’s as she wrapped her arms around him. She couldn’t help but giggle and nod as he whispered, “I love you,” into her ear.
Pam jerked herself from the memory and wiped her tears away. That had been such a perfect moment. He’d been able to calm the fears that had plagued her all afternoon with three simple words and a kiss. He’d always been able to do that.
He’d been the perfect husband through the pregnancy, just as he’d been with the first. He was up to the challenge of supplying the foods she craved, which was a lot of pasta the second time around. Jim gloated when the second ultrasound confirmed it was a girl and worked hard on setting up the nursery just the way Pam wanted it. She was blessed having him for her husband.
Tehya Helene Halpert was born on April second; just twenty minutes past midnight and Pam had taken the opportunity to tease Jim endlessly. Their daughter was just as stubborn as he was, insistent on waiting past midnight. Jim teased back making sure she knew that he was the one who told her it would be a girl, long before the ultrasound confirmed it.
She flipped the page of the baby book and smiled at the next picture. It was Pam, about an hour after Teyha was born, with the little girl in her arms. Jim was holding Carter as they sat together on her hospital bed. She couldn’t remember who had snapped the picture, but she the feel of her little girl in her arms was like no other.
Pam flipped through the remainder of the book. Pictures of her first birthday party, her first steps, her first day of kindergarten, dance recitals, and every other moment they had caught on camera were throughout the pages, with notes in hers and Jim’s handwriting making sure they had the dates and details of each moment.
Pam sat in the stuffy attic for hours, going through the boxes of her daughters’ belongings, from dance recital outfits, to teddy bears, and Barbie’s. Her entire room was boxed up and put up in the attic. The room was then painted a stark white and the door closed.
It had sat empty now for the past nine months.
