Beads of sweat were gathering on his forehead and he wiped his hand across it to clear the moisture, only it didn’t work. His heartbeat was getting faster and faster as his eyes darted around the full playground looking for his daughter. Her auburn head was no where to be found. They had been playing with a pink baseball he’d gotten her as a ’just-because’ gift. It was their special time, Saturday mornings where their time. Sometimes it was just breakfast at the lake, or playing at the park, or roller-skating. Anything that she wanted to do, he did the same with Carter on Sunday.

But now he couldn’t find Tehya. She had just been there and he’d only looked away for a minute, he needed to take the call that had rung through on his phone. He didn’t normally answer his phone for anyone but Pam during that time, but he’d been waiting on a call about a possible job and he couldn’t miss it.

It had been literally five minutes he’d been on the phone. Just long enough to set up an interview and express how thrilled he was to be considered. She had been throwing the ball up in the air catching it in her matching pink baseball glove when he’d last glanced at her. She was smart, even at six and knew not to wander away on her own.

He called out her name and didn’t get any response. No one around him seemed to acknowledge his existence, even when he continued to yell at the top of his lungs for his daughter.

Time seemed to be slowing down, everything in slow motion as his eyes finally glanced over to the road. Where her auburn red hair caught the light of the sun to grab his attention. He knew this was what was coming. It was an intense sense of déjà vu that he couldn’t shake. Time was going slower, everything around him at a literal stand still. His feet wouldn’t move from the spot he’d been rooted too.

Then it happened, the screech of the tires he all the sudden knew that he had been waiting for, without even realizing it.

He opened his mouth to scream but nothing came out.

He wanted to close his eyes, to shield his mind from what he knew was coming. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t look away. No matter how hard he tried.

Then as soon as it started it seemed to be over. But the mood was different and the sirens seemed to be growing louder and louder. He knew they were coming for her. For his baby girl and yet he still couldn’t move.

The crowd around the ambulance, that seemed to appear out of nowhere, parted and he could see her face. Still, pale, and life-less. And that is when he lost it. A scream bubbled up from his chest and it took him a minute to realize he’d been screaming the whole time.

Jim bolted himself awake, nearly sending himself flying off the couch. The only thing that held him there was the pressure of Pam across his torso. Jim laid his head back down against the hard armrest and focused on breathing. He had to calm himself down.

“You were dreaming,” Pam’s voice met his ears, another shock to his system. He hadn’t noticed her eyes opening and studying him. The tone in her voice made him know it wasn’t a question. He nodded solemnly. “How often do you still dream about…”

“Too often,” he answered with hint of bitterness in his voice. “I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“I wasn’t sleeping,” she told him simply threading her fingers through his and when he felt the cool metal of her wedding and engagement rings he nearly fainted from joy. “I was thinking.”

“About…” Jim probed. He wanted to know whatever was going on inside her head.

“Us.”

A flash of panic rose in the forefront of Jim’s mind and he shook his head to free the feelings. He could deal with whatever she said, he had to.

“Okay.”

The room was awkwardly silent for the first time in hours that he could remember and Jim hated the noiseless exchange. He needed words. He needed her words.

“I really want this to work.”

“Me too.”

“I know.”

“I want you to know that I’ll do whatever it takes Pam,” he assured her, “I will…”

“Except going back to Scranton.”

Jim paused for a moment and ran his hand through his hair, “Pam…”

“If you can’t, I’d…understand.”

“Would you?”

“Yes,” Pam told him, “I would. I just…I would miss that house. We have so many memories there.”

“I know,” Jim sighed, “and that is what makes it so hard for me. So many memories with her in them. I’m not sure…”

“Jim,” Pam stopped him placing her fingers gently against his lips, “I’ll move for you. I will, I don’t care.”

“But you do,” Jim argued, “and you can’t say really that you don’t. Your friends are there, family, your job…”

“I can get a job anywhere,” Pam told him, “and I can make new friends while I stay close to the ones there. I’m not afraid to be away from my family, it might give Emmy a reason to finally get out of that dead end town. As long as I’m with you Jim, I’ll be fine.”

“Pam…”

“I’ll call the school right now and put in my two weeks notice if you want,” Pam interrupted him. “I’m not sure how else I can get through to you.”

“What about your students?”

“They’ll get a sub,” Pam shrugged, “there are only a few weeks left in the school year. It’ll be fine.”

“Pam…”

“What else can I do Jim?” Pam asked him, his eyes closed tight. “I’m beginning to think…”

“What?”

“Nothing,” Pam said hurriedly, “It’s nothing.”

“That isn’t true.”

“Jim, let’s just drop it.”

“No,” Jim insisted, “we have to work on our communication if this is really going to work Pam. That has always been our weak link.”

“So you want this to work?” Pam asked shyly and Jim groaned, “I’m just not sure with you.”

“God Pam,” Jim said in exasperation, “how can you think that?”

“Because you don’t seem to want me to move here,” she said, “and you already made it clear you won’t go back to Scranton. What else am I supposed to think?”

“That this is difficult,” Jim answered. “That as much as I want this to work, I’m scared shitless about would could happen it if didn’t. What that would do to us, to the kids.”

“You think it won’t?”

“I don’t know. God, I just don’t know. I want to believe that it will, that we are meant to be together forever, but…”

“But you can’t say that.”

“Can you really say that about anyone?”

Pam was silent for a moment and Jim was worried about her reaction. He wasn’t sure why they were still fighting. This is what he had wanted for so long, but there was just something that kept is guard up. Something he had never dealt with before in his relationship with Pam. It was a weird feeling for him to have.

Pam’s voice was quiet when she finally answered. She pulled herself away from Jim and sat on the end of the couch, her head in her hands, auburn hair spilling over to cover her face.

“Yes,” she said slowly, “yes I believe you can say that about the right person. And I would say that about you Jim forever.”

Pam stood and walked away before Jim could react. He heard the door to Lizzie’s bedroom close and he could have swore he heard the lock latch into place, but he stayed where he was. His fear paralyzing him.

Taking a deep breath he pulled himself up off the couch and headed off in the same direction that Pam had disappeared.

--

Pam lay, curled up on her daughter’s bright pink comforter with matching pink fuzzy pillow clutched to her chest. Her eyes stung with unshed tears and she focused on breathing in and out to keep her anger and hurt in check.

This was not how she had expected this whole encounter to go. She knew that jumping back into Jim’s arms and life was not going to be a completely easy task, but she hadn’t for once thought he would fight her this hard. She didn’t understand it.

She thought that this was what he wanted. His family back together, she knew that it was definitely what she wanted. It didn’t make sense to her that he was fighting it, fighting her. Did he really think she still blamed him?

She didn’t. She had convinced herself of that already. Besides, that was unfair. It wasn’t his fault. It was that jerk that was driving the car on the wrong side of the road. But not Jim’s. Pam wasn’t sure what else she could do.

The stillness of the night was almost disturbing. The lights from the street outside danced on the pale pink walls. It felt like ages before she heard the door handle move slightly and Pam cursed under her breath when she realized that he had a key for the locked door. Of course he would, he was never to be unprepared.

Pam stayed as still as possible, facing the wall, focusing on keeping her breaths as even as possible. Maybe if Jim thought she was asleep he wouldn’t bother her. Moments later when she felt the bed sink under his weight she knew she wasn’t fooling him. He laid down next to her, and Pam fought every urge to snuggle into his chest.

His hand found his way to her waist and the heat from his fingers was odd against the coolness of her skin. She felt her resolve weakening.

“Pam,” his voice was hoarse and she could hear the unshed tears in his voice, “I’m so sorry. For everything.”

When she didn’t answer he kept talking.

“I never wanted this to happen. I always saw us as forever, I still do.”

Pam felt the wetness on her cheek and struggle again to move. She was determined to stay still, to have him bare his soul before giving in.

“When we first got together, even before that, I saw myself with you. Our future was a perfect picture in my head, I should have known then that nothing is ever perfect.”

Pam nodded and felt Jim’s hand graze slowly over the exposed line of flesh on her waist. Pam moved just enough to thread her fingers through his in order to convince him to keep going.

“I don’t think I could have ever imagined that we would have gone through what we did, or separated, or anything like that. It shook me more than I think I could admit. And then…and then even talking about it, opening up about it seemed wrong because you weren’t there.

“I was sitting in this dim room, talking to a complete stranger about our relationship, our past and the stories. It felt wrong, but I couldn’t help but feel relieved after my first session. So I kept going back and every time it became easier and easier to talk about. But even that didn’t squash the guilt that was festered deep inside of me.”

Pam pulled his hand to her lips and met his warm skin with her lips. She felt him shudder and pressed her eyes closed.

“This weekend,” Jim started, his voice deep and hoarse, “this weekend those feelings were front and center. It was overwhelming and knowing that we were going through it apart, that just about killed me. I wanted nothing more than to have you in my arms and I knew I couldn’t. I was miserable.”

“Me too,” Pam’s voice squeaked out and Jim buried his face into her hair.

“Having you here,” Jim began again, “is like a dream to me. Something I’m afraid I’m going to wake up from and you’ll be gone, forever this time and I can’t deal with that. I guess that is why I’ve been so…difficult.”

“I’m not going anywhere.”

“I know,” Jim’s voice broke, “and that scares me too. I’m a mess.”

“You aren’t the only one.”

“I’d be lost without you,” Jim breathed against her ear, “please don’t leave me.”

Pam finally turned over to face him and brought her lips to his. He returned the kiss with intensity wrapping his long arms around her body.

“Just promise me you won’t leave me again either.”