Oscar's “Welcome Back Fiesta” had migrated mostly out into the main office, providing Jim Halpert with some much needed solitude. He sat, hunched over, staring unseeingly at the front of the room. Every single time, each and every one, every time that he finally began to think he'd figured things out and that he'd started to move on, something happened.
'Just when I think I'm out, she pulls me back in,' he paraphrased to himself with a detached amusement that never escaped onto his face.
He tried not to do it, but he couldn't help it. For years and years, he'd spent hours each day reading the hidden meanings into every event in the office. Did it have to mean anything that Karen had refused to help him out with Andy? She was just busy, that's all. He knew it was incredibly unfair of him, but he couldn't stop thinking it:
She always puts work ahead of fun, ahead of you. Cracking the codes to Dwight's client list was more important to her than helping you when you asked. She likes you, but her career comes first. She just doesn't get you.
The prank had worked well, too well truthfully. They were like a well-oiled machine, even after all this time. He barely even had to tell her what he wanted to do. She just knew. Since he'd been back, he couldn't remember her looking so happy, either.
There was once. When you walked in the door for the first time and there she was and her eyes lit up and her smile was blinding and then she was hugging you and she smelled like strawberries and felt like home and you were both so happy for just that one single moment before you remembered.
He almost wished he could get the camera crew to show him the footage. He and Pam, in those ridiculous sombreros, examining the hole in the wall and just laughing together. In that moment, it was as if he'd never left, as if she'd said 'I can' instead and he'd stayed and helped her get past Roy and then finally, it had been their turn.
What are you doing? Who are you trying to fool? Pam? If so, that's just petty. Karen? That's just cruel. Yourself? Pathetic.
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She knew she should probably just leave it alone. Just ignore it. Let him have his nostalgia trip but then remind him tonight what he had with her. He was hers now, after all. But ignoring things was just not Karen's style. Karen had learned long ago that the way to get through life was to take it on, headfirst. No one was going to hand her anything. She needed to reach out and grab the things she wanted.
She watched him for a moment, sitting there alone, obviously in deep thought, and she could guess what was going on in his head. Still, she needed to hear him say it. She'd figured out early on that he didn't like confrontation, that he'd happily leave things unsaid or expect her to read his mind or his dopey expressions. She'd worked long and hard to change that about him, to make him grow up and share his thoughts openly, like a man.
She moved in beside him swiftly and didn't hesitate.
“Do you still have feelings for her?”
She'd assumed he'd lie about it, but almost as soon as the words were out of her mouth, his head started nodding up and down.
“Yes.”
And there it was.
She could slap him, yell at him, humiliate herself in front of her boss and co-workers.
She could just walk away. She could save it for later, for late-night emotional conversations.
Or, she could just deal with it. She'd asked and at least he'd had the decency to be honest. Only after she'd asked, of course.
“I'm not going to play this game, Jim. This isn't high school This isn't a bad romance novel. I'm not going to try to compete with your memories. I care about you, but I deserve better than this. So, until you figure out once and for all what you want...” She was proud she made it that far, but now it was all rushing toward her and she knew she didn't dare stay any longer. With a fierce resolve not to break down in front of these people, Karen marched out of the conference room, gathered her things, and left the office.
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He knew he should try to chase her down, to take it back, to deny it, to beg her to stay and listen, to talk it out. He could see it all playing out in his head, but his body refused to cooperate and Jim just stayed there, staring at the floor.
It didn't surprise him when Pam came in a little while later. Somehow, he'd known she would. Unlike Karen, Pam came in tentatively and when she sat down next to him, she didn't say a word. He knew she'd seen what happened. He realized now that this year must have been for her what the past few had been for him, forever watching from a distance, watching and waiting and wondering. She had to guess what it meant when Karen stormed off like she had without a word to anyone. Still, though, she waited quietly, just sitting nearby, offering, but not asking anything of him.
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She wasn't sure exactly what had happened, but she knew when something was wrong. Until now, today had been wonderful. She knew she wasn't his first choice to get back at Andy and that did hurt, but as soon as she'd said 'Yes' and his eyes had lit up, it hadn't mattered any more. Working with him, then laughing about it together later, she remembered how wonderful their friendship had been, how simply right the world was when they were together like that. She knew now that she wanted more, but if she couldn't have that, then she could at least be happy with this, if this was all he could offer.
Pam had seen him, of course, earlier. These days she always knew where he was when he was in the office. He looked upset and she yearned to go in there and talk to him, but something stopped her. He probably felt guilty, regretted sharing that prank with her instead of Karen. If that's how he felt, then she'd only make it worse by going to him. In fact, as she expected, Karen herself went in after only a few minutes. Pam knew Karen wasn't the type to simply let Jim be, especially after today.
She watched discretely as Karen said something and Jim nodded and then Karen said something else. Then, Karen left, looking upset. Thus far, this was essentially what Pam had expected, but then Karen grabbed her purse and her coat and then glared at her with such... well, hatred... that Pam almost took a step back. And then Karen left, without another word to anyone.
Jim just sat there, staring at the floor, and he looked so alone and so...vulnerable... that she couldn't stand it any more. She went in, watching to see if she was welcome. When he didn't object to her presence, she took a seat next to him. Pam knew him well enough not to pry. He could have dismissed her with a look, a gesture, but he didn't, so she waited. It took awhile, but she would have waited all day.
When he finally raised his eyes to meet hers, he looked empty and lost and she could feel her heart breaking for him. She gently laid one of her hands on top of his and nodded encouragingly.
“I don't know who I am anymore, Pam,” he whispered, his gaze falling back down to the ground. “I came back to Scranton, to this office, but I feel like a stranger in my own life.”
She didn't interrupt, but squeezed his hand gently to reassure him. She wouldn't allow herself to start wondering what this meant or where it was leading. He needed her attention here and now, not wandering elsewhere.
“I really tried, Pam, I did. I keep trying, but I just can't get away from it,” he continued, sounding utterly defeated. “For just that one moment today, everything suddenly felt right and then...”
The words stopped. She slid closer to him so that her side was pressed against his. He felt cold and she hoped that her presence would warm him a little. She didn't know if this was the right time and she wondered if she was just being selfish, but he had to know. She owed him that much.
“Jim, I know a lot has happened,” she began cautiously, “and we've both said and done some things. Worse, we've not said and not done even more. I don't know what she said to you or what you said to her. I'm not trying to mess you up, but...”
She took a deep breath and started again.”I just want you to know that I care about you, Jim, and I'm here for you. If that can only be as a friend, then I'll just deal with that, because I can't imagine my life without you in it, somewhere. I don't want to. I love you, Jim.”
Slowly, he looked up at her and she could see the thoughts and emotions in his eyes: regret, sadness, hope, and a lot of confusion. She'd said a lot of words, but she suddenly knew she still wasn't being completely honest with him.
“I love you, Jim,” she repeated, “but I'm also in love with you. I have been for a long time now.” The tears fell freely now and Pam heard herself sniffle. He'd gotten away with just one tear, but apparently her eyes were a bit more forthcoming.
He just stared at her. Quickly, she stood and tore her gaze from his. “I'm sorry, I know that's..”
Jim rose as well and took her hands in his. “... weird to hear,” he finished her sentence. The light was back in his eyes and a small smile was forming. “Yeah, and the timing really isn't great.” She choked out a small laugh amidst the tears. “But I don't think either of us is misinterpreting anything,” he went on.
“We didn't the first time,” she admitted softly. She looked up at him through misty eyes, her own smile tentatively joining his own, “Jim, I want to be more than that. Is that still possible?”
For a moment, he thought about pulling her close and showing her exactly how possible it was, when he remembered where they were. Instead, he took a hand in his and gently pulled her out into the office.
Jim grabbed his coat and gestured for Pam to do the same. “Michael, we're going on a tequila run, be back soon,” he shouted.
“Okay, Jimbo! Get some with extra worms!”
On the roof a few minutes later, with the snow dancing and swirling around them, coating their hair and their skin, Jim and Pam gently began to explore the possibilities.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
I think you all know the drill by now: another what-if, unconnected to the first two. Enjoy!
Desslok is the author of 1 other stories.
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