My eyes fluttered open to the light coming in from my bedroom window. I just lie there, not moving, enjoying the peace. But then my eyes began to burn from yesterday's breakdown and the disgusting crust around them made it difficult to see clearly. I noticed black mascara stains all over my white pillow case and I felt a little light headed from not eating any dinner last night. So much for staying in bed and not doing anything. Except for moping. Well, even that's a little too pathetic.

At least it's Saturday.

I slowly slid out of bed, realizing I still had yesterday's button-down and skirt on. Comfy p.j.'s first... then food. I dug out my favorite pair of cotton pants. Roy always used to make fun of their bright color and childish appeal. "Those pants look so silly, babe. C'mon, haven't you grown up?" he'd say. It always pissed me off because I thought they were comfy... so what if they had pink giraffes and purple elephants on them? Without thinking, I gravitated towards my 76ers sweat shirt. The one that's way too big. It was a gift, well, sort of. I was cold and Ji-... never mind.

Today, I fully intend to only eat, sleep and watch TCM. Absolutely nothing more. That's what those characters in chick flicks do when they're upset right? Sounds like a plan to me.

I made my way to the refrigerator and opened the door. No milk. Okay then, how about an omelet? No eggs. Well I should have... nope, no mixed berry yogurt. Well, cereal without milk is fine with me. I opened my small pantry only to find I had no cereal, no granola bars and no bread. I checked the freezer. No ice cream?! You have got to be kidding me. It made sense, though. I had gone two weeks without grocery shopping. Crap.

Still dressed in my mismatched pajamas, I found my keys and headed for the door. It took me a second to realize I had a new car when I didn't recognize any in the lot. But there it was. For some reason, after that song played on the radio yesterday, I had a weird feeling about the little Yaris. That's silly. It's just a car. Once inside, I noticed I had left my cardigan behind the night before. I didn't want to think about that right now. Just go and get back as quickly as possible.

I turned the key in the ignition and the radio came to life again. Wait, is this swing?

Come fly with me
Let's fly let's fly away

Since when does the same station play Death Cab for Cutie and Sinatra?

If you can use so-

I wasn't exactly in the mood for something that upbeat, so I turned the dial. Static. Every single station. That's really weird. Sinatra it is.

In llama land there's a one man band
And he'll toot his flute for you
Come fly with me
Let's take off in the blue

As I was driving to the store, I couldn't help but feel a little perkier with this music. I wonder if this car has a magic radio or something. Ha ha, now I'm really going crazy.

We'll just glide
Starry eyed
Once I get you up there
I'll be holding you so near
You may hear
Angels cheer because we're together

It was another quarter of a mile before I was singing along, and I never ever sing in the car. Ever. I felt like the car was singing to me, like I should come fly with it. This. Is. Insane.

Weather wise it's such a lovely day
You just say the words
And we'll beat the birds
Down to Acapulco Bay

As the song ended, I pulled into Rite Aid. Should be enough to buy milk, cereal and ice cream for now. I strolled up and down the isles, not minding the strange looks people gave my appearance. Hey, I can't help it if they've never seen a purple elephant before. A box of Wheaties, a gallon of milk and two tubs of mint chocolate chip ice cream later, I was back in my car with the radio off. At least I'm in a better mood... and weather wise, it is a lovely day. Maybe things are looking up.

(Pam never even realized she had just gone to the same Rite Aid she and Jim visited on Michael's birthday.)

Back in my apartment, spoon and mint chocolate chip ice cream in hand, I settled in on the couch. My couch. The cushions aren't worn and the edges aren't frayed. It has this elegant wood detailing and a subtle pattern on the cream colored fabric. When I saw it, I just had to have it. It looked... artsy... but not super modern. Besides, its high arm rests and squishy feel made it perfect for cuddling, even though I have no one to cuddle with.

Movies continued to play throughout the day, but I couldn't pay attention. I wanted a distraction and this just wasn't working. I finally curled up under my throw blanket and willed myself to sleep, but I just couldn't. The weight of everything that had happened to me over the past few weeks settled in my chest and wouldn't let go. I can see it now, though. I can see why Jim looked the way he did that night... I know why he looked the way he did. I think I feel a part of it now for myself.

Memories we had that used to confuse me... like the time I jinxed Jim and told him he could tell me anything. He had this... this sort of dark expression where the light left his eyes and he couldn't look at me. Our "date" on the roof and why it was so important that swaying counted as dancing. The silent pause on the boat the night Roy finally set a date (after multiple snorkel shots). His anger when I didn't want to go after the design internship because of Roy. Why he complained about me planning my wedding... why he planned an outlandish trip so he wouldn't be able to come. All of these moments gave me little inklings that they meant more. I just didn't allow myself to think about them, I didn't want to. The possibility of completely rearranging my life quite honestly scared the shit out of me. Hell, it still does.

But I'm doing it. It's happening right now.

Maybe time and space are what I need to learn to rely on myself. Do I even really know me anymore? The fact that I have to ask that question is an answer in and of itself. It's like my emotions are tangled heap of jewelry. I have to just sit down and untangle it before I can admire each individual piece. Right now, there are two clumps: the weight of what Jim means to me and and void he left behind.