The cameras came back today.

And of course, they had to make a big deal about me calling off my wedding.

I didn't want more attention drawn to myself, shouldn't people mind their own business when it comes to something like this? Its just a little too early for me to deal with this kind of thing. Maybe that's not what's bothering me.

I opened a new game of solitaire. 3:30pm... assuming Michael doesn't decide to hold one of his "meetings" in the conference room, I have an hour and a half to go. Too long. That's what she said. Uhhg! I wish...

My gaze fell from the clock to the desk a few feet away from me. I had to snap out of it when I realized Ryan was staring back with a confused and slightly disgusted look on his face. That's the fourth time I've looked over there today... I guess I tend to look at Jim's old desk everyday, but today I'm just more aware of it because the cameras keep catching me. Frankly, it just sucks not having him and his warm greenish-hazel eyes there. I call them greenish-hazel because sometimes they're green and sometimes they're hazel. But they are always warm. I guess I used to look into his eyes a lot. More than I should have. I've been putting way too much thought into this...

I just really want to go home right-

"All right, everybody in the conference room! I don't care if you are gay, or straight, or a lesbian, or overweight! JUST GET IN HERE! RIGHT NOW!"

Shit.

4:45 sounds close enough to 5:00 to me. Especially after that. I started shutting down my computer and boarding the phones when Michael came over.

"Hey, you holdin' up?"

"Yep."

"Where ya goin'?"

Quick! I need an excuse... got it.

"Oh, I'm painting my new apartment tonight, so I better get going."

"Alone?"

"See you tomorrow, Michael."

I decided to get out while I was ahead. It occurred to me in the elevator that maybe painting wouldn't be such a bad idea. I remember the landlady saying it was okay, and maybe it would do me good to have some color on the walls. Yeah, I think I will paint.

I got into my car and just sat there. A deep breath entered and exited my lungs, almost involuntarily. I don't know how many more long, tedious days like this one I can take without him being there. No one to joke with or share a glance with...

Honey you are a rock
Upon which I stand
And I come here to talk
I hope you understand
Green eyes
Yeah the spot light shines upon you
And how could anybody deny you
I came here with a load
And it feels so much lighter now I met you
And honey you should know
That I could never go on without you
Green eyes

Of course.

Honey you are the sea
Upon which I float
And I came here to talk
I think you should know
That green eyes
You're the one that I wanted to find
And anyone who tried to deny you
Must be out of their mind
Because I came here with a load
And it feels so much lighter
Since I met you
And honey you should know
That I could never go on without you
Green eyes

And then I knew what color I would be painting my bedroom.

Honey you are a rock
Upon which I stand

I realized I had been driving in a sort of blur when I suddenly noticed the glaring blue sign of Lowe's on my right. I turned as smoothly as I possibly could into the parking lot. Thank god this isn't the truck.

I still wasn't sure what kind of color scheme I wanted to go for. The rows and rows of paint chips overwhelmed me a little as I stopped at a collection of greens... limes, forests, olives, emeralds... nothing was quite right. And then I saw it. One paint chip was lying on the shelf like it fell down. Chopped Chive. Who cared if the name was a little ridiculous? This was the color. It didn't match his eyes, it just reminded me of them... I can be so pathetic sometimes. I'm painting my room this Chopped Chive color because it reminds me of Jim and I heard this song in my car because it has a mind of its own. Yes... yes I am.

I started finding other colors I liked; Lavender Quartz for the living room, Late Day Sun for the kitchen and Tidal Wave for the halls. It seemed like a crazy color scheme, but I liked it. It just felt right to me.

I started taping off the door frames and molding in my apartment. Even if I didn't have the time or energy to finish much of anything tonight, I could still get going on it. Goal: finish the painting by Sunday. I can do that.

Over the next few days I tackled each room, little by little. When I finished, I felt like I was living in the apartment of an artist (smugly thinking to myself, "That's because I am one.") I figured I could always improve it with framed prints... or my own work. When I went to bed Saturday night in my green room, the song from a few days ago inevitably came back to me.

I don't think I can go on without him... but I'll be fine for now. I think.

(At 11:42 PM, Pam's laptop announced the arrival of an email from JHalpert...)