Well, I thought about going shopping, but decided not to. New clothes aren't that necessary for blind dates, are they?
To tell the truth, I'm actually not that nervous... I mean, we're both artists in one way or another, so there's something in common. And there won't be too many awkward silences with Kelly around, I'm sure. Maybe awkward moments in general, but no silences. That's a good thing, right?
On the other hand, I guess I'm not that excited either. I'm sure it will be fun to go out, but I'm just not that into the idea of finding someone to date. Hmmm... maybe that's because, hypothetically speaking, I already found someone. Speaking of tonight...
"Oh my God! Are you so excited for tonight? I am so excited. You guys are going to click, I can feel it. So what are you wearing?"
Maybe I should have gone shopping...
"This."
Oh... definitely should have gone shopping...
"You look so pretty."
Kelly is really really bad at lying. I can feel it.
"Thanks."
And now I'm definitely nervous...
"Well, remember, no matter how much you may want to, do not sleep with him on the first date. It gives him all the power."
The only thing that could possibly make this conversation worse is...
"Sleep with who? Whom, whom... whom?"
Michael.
I was so embarrassed at this point, I just wanted to tune them out. Did they really have to bring up the wedding dress? That is just so incon-
"-ose things breathe. Any message you want me to relate to Jim?"
Oh my God... what?! Jim? Say something!
"Um..."
"Um. Okay, um."
"Um."
"You got that?"
"I got it."
"Write that down."
"I got it."
No. You have got to be kidding me. I... I have to go... somewhere.
"Excuse me, Kelly."
"Oh, yeah, sure! TTYL!"
The roof was the only place I could think of to calm down. So the message I chose to "relate" to Jim was "Um?" Really? Um? What else was I going to say? I'm sorry about breaking your heart and crushing your hopes and dreams... have you patched that up yet? Or maybe, thanks a lot for sticking around and being a friend while I had to make the biggest decision of my life? Maybe um wasn't such a bad message after all.
We had shared so many moments up here, most not caught by the cameras. Sometimes I would see Jim get up and leave and I immediately knew where he was headed, instinctively knowing whether or not to follow him. He knew with me too, when to give space and when to be there. This was such a subtle thing, but it was part of us. Words could go unspoken and be understood. Well, not all of them.
That night? He had to say it, out loud. I was too stubborn to understand on my own. I had to say it out loud and I didn't. The timing was so wrong and yet, that was the best opportunity he had to say it. All he got out of me was "I can't." And now all he gets is "um."
But looking back on these past few weeks and realizing how I've started to change... it needed to happen this way. Not saying I like it...
What if it's too late?
Back at my desk, I considered going shopping again. Maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea.
"Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Yes, I'll let him know. Thanks."
This should be fun.
"Michael?"
"Hey, Pam, what's up?"
"David Wallace wanted to talk to you about-"
"Yep, yech... no. Tell him I will give him general specifics tomorrow, okay?"
"Okay then."
"Yes. Say hi to Pam!"
That was him. At the end, that was him.
"Hi everyone."
"Pam says hi. Have fun on your date! Very good, talk to you later. Bye."
I hung up the phone in a sort of stupor. He knows I'm going on a date now. Great. Thank you Michael. Actually, no. That's totally cool. He left, so he doesn't care... he probably has a girlfriend now anyway. So thank you, Michael.
I can't deal with my indecisiveness anymore. This is just getting ridiculous.
Shopping it is. I got into my car, not even thinking about the radio. But when I turned the key, guitars and drums began to fill the space, quiet at first. I pulled out of my spot and drove up to the street.
I want something
That's purer than the water
Like we were
It's not there now
Ineloquence and anger
Are all we have
Like Saturn's rings
An icy loop around me
Too hard to hold
Lash out first
At all the things we don't like
Or understand
Why is this car always right?!
And it's beginning to get to me
That I know more of the stars and sea
Than I do of what's in your head
Barely touching in our cold bed
At the next light I turned back towards my apartment complex. Definitely not going shopping.
The answer phone
The lonely sound of your voice
Frozen in time
Maybe I shouldn't give up on him just yet.
I tried to tell you before I left
But I was screaming under my breath
You are the only thing that makes sense
Just ignore all this present tense
We need to feel breathless with love
And not collapse under its weight
I'm gasping for the air to fill
My lungs with everything I've lost
I've said "definitely" like three times today and I'm still not sure of anything. The only thing I can be sure of is that I'm not going to just throw Jim away. Because I wanted to tell him... and now all I can say is "um"... talk about ineloquence. But, god, I'm being selfish... just expecting him to be waiting with open arms, heart still on his sleeve. What might I have done? Maybe things will change. I don't know... time will tell. That was really cliché. Nice going. But honestly, I need to take things one at a time... and right now, I'm going on a date. In my work clothes. Fun.
When will I ever learn not to trust Kelly when it comes to these things? The idiot was practically groping me with his eyes! Just. Not. Fun.
Mentally exhausted, I threw my keys on the small table in my entryway (another small touch I added... planning to découpage it next week). After swapping my apparently boring outfit for a raggedy t-shirt and sweats, I checked my personal email. My heart skipped a beat.
JHalpert?
From: JHalpert@mail.com
Subject: Hi
To: BeeslyArtist@mail.com
Hi Pam, I haven't talked to you in a long time, so I thought I'd send you a note. Jim told me what happened, I'm just really sorry for the both of you. He's doing ok in Stamford, but he's not really himself. I talk to him on the phone every weekend (much to his chagrin) but I haven't seen him in a while. I'd really like to see you sometime again, and I'll be in town this week and the next. Let me know if you'd like to get together.
Best Wishes,
Jonathan
To say the least, I was pleasantly surprised. More than pleasantly surprised. Surprised, relieved, excited, just really happy for the first time in a while. Jonathan was so easy to talk to and I knew he'd understand, or at least try to understand, what I was feeling. Inviting him over and showing him my new place seemed the best thing to do. Going out didn't offer enough... privacy... for what we needed to discuss. I wasted no time in responding.
