Secret #2:
At one point in my career, I had to give up my position as Lackawanna County Volunteer Sheriff's deputy . Though I enjoyed this position, I traded it in for one with more direct investigative opportunities. I was designated official security supervisor of the branch by the Regional Manager, Michael Scott. One of the many promotions and accolades I've received throughout my career.
Officially, this position came with very few perks. Unofficially, I've used this title to achieve many goals and become privy to many secrets. The building's one and only elevator is equipped with sufficient surveillance, though it lacks infrared thermography. I've advised the building's property management of the deficiency, but they have disregarded my concern. It is often my most disregarded concerns that end up proving to be the most relevant. It is unfortunate that citizens have to die or suffer injury before my concerns are recognized as founded. It is not, however, unfortunate for me. I enjoy being proved right, regardless of the casualties.
The existing elevator surveillance gives a unique window into the grooming habits of my coworkers. I've studied the footage with great attention to detail and can now reveal these secrets:
Both Toby Flenderson and Kelly Kapour are chronic nose-pickers. Their nasal passages are in need of a daily Neti-pot regimen. Nature cannot help those who refuse to help themselves.
Andy Bernard has a habit of applying cologne in the elevator. He is trying to hide the smell of fear that he emits from his pores. He must be aware of his impending entrance to the office, in which my masculinity can be sensed by all five senses. #1: Obviously, the scent is noticeable to both my sexual prospects and those who wish to rival my power. #2: My masculinity is visually evident in my posture, #3: audibly evident in my bilingualism (Ich stelle die Maennlichkeit dar.), and #4: physically evident in the texture and sinews of my biceps. #5: Rest assured that the taste of my masculinity is dominant.
On multiple occasions, Regional Manager Michael Scott has attempted to carry items too large for the space into the elevator. He attempted to bring an enormous casket-like device for a magic show, a 3-person backpacking tent that was already pitched, a basketball hoop, and a Pirates of the Caribbean pinball machine. He suffers from a disoriented sense of volumetric judgment. The treatment for such an ailment is unknown. In the wild, such a creature would not survive a fortnight.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Mr. Schrute's CIA confessions, cont'd:
Chapter End Notes:
Just a short update. I've got something Jammier on the way.
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