MICHAEL TALKING HEAD

The American Red Cross is coming today to collect blood. They are a legal vampire of sorts. A Nosferatu in a white coat. And I am making everyone go be bitten by this vampire. Because everyone wants to be a hero. And it’s not every day that someone gets this chance to be a hero. People don’t keel over having heart attacks that need CPR every day. Not everyone gets to win all the gold medals in the Olympics every day. So today is our day to be a hero. Today we will save lives and be bitten by volunteer vampires.

INT OFFICE: DWIGHT stands in front of reception holds a clipboard high above his head. HE has to clear his throat twice in order to get everyone’s attention.

DWIGHT

Attention everyone! Here is a clipboard. On it are slots for each of you to sign up for a time to donate your blood. Everyone must go donate today- Michael’s orders. It takes an average of twenty-seven minutes to donate, so all of you will have that time deducted from your lunch break. Be sure to sign up within the next six minutes. That is all.

MICHAEL

(jogging over from his office)

Let me be the first to sign!

HE looks over the clipboard, murmuring to himself.

DWIGHT TALKING HEAD

Michael wants us all to donate blood. I find it a very noble act, and I will be the first to donate. I’m not afraid of needles. I welcome needles.

TOBY TALKING HEAD

I kinda like Michael’s idea to make everyone donate. It’s a good thing to do and yeah, it can save lives. I want to be able to tell Sasha I’m a hero. And I can. And I can tell her that her mother isn’t a hero, either.

(He smiles sheepishly to himself)

Sasha’s gonna be so proud. But yeah, I’ll feel good too.

KEVIN TALKING HEAD

I don’t like donating blood. They never pay me. I tried to bet an organ once, but the website couldn’t take it.

MEREDITH TALKING HEAD

I’ve donated blood before. They always make me take a breathalyzer test before I can donate. And they’ve let me donate. That one time.

ANGELA TALKING HEAD

I find it outrageous that Red Cross blood donation is only available to humans. I prefer the feline blood donation center out in Oregon.

ANDY TALKING HEAD

Blood donation is a habit of mine. If there was one thing I learned at Cornell, it was giving back to the less fortunate. When I was there I’d always double. Took me an hour. I pulled off the bandage and had them take more blood from the other arm. I’d be dizzy for hours afterwards. But it was so worth it.

KELLEY TALKING HEAD

I hate needles. And I hate blood. But Ryan’s not going to do it, so now’s my chance to be more charitable than Ryan. And when he gets back, I’ll be like ‘dude, I saved people while you were away. Took me ten minutes. What did you do out in Thailand for three months? Pass out on the beach? Fall on your ass surfing? Yeah, I thought so.’

PHYLLIS TALKING HEAD

Bob and I donated together last year. We’re going to do the same thing this year. It’s nice to give back. Even after we got back from Africa.

CREED TALKING HEAD

They want blood?

(holds up a gallon size ziplock bag filled with a red liquid.)

I’m all set.

MICHEAL is still pacing in front of reception with the sign up clipboard.

MICHAEL

Hmm, I don’t want to go during my lunch break… I wonder if there’s an optimal time to donate, y’know, like when a girl’s trying to get pregnant- Hey Pam?

PAM

I don’t think you need to worry about that, Michael.

MICHAEL

Yeah, you’re right. Do you?

PAM

Do I what?

MICHAEL

(hesitant; she should know what he’s talking about)

Need to worry about, y’know, your optimal time to get, y’know…

PAM

(after a sigh)

No, Michael.

MICHAEL looks from HER to JIM, who is watching them with his chin on his fist and eyebrows raised.

MICHAEL

Do you want her to worry about…

JIM

Not really important. When are you donating blood?

MICHEAL

Ah, yes. I’ll go in the afternoon, right after I meet that new client.

HE scribbles on one of the lower lines on the clipboard and hands it to Pam. She gives JIM a pained but thankful look before writing her name.

PAM TALKING HEAD

If Jim and I were worrying about… that… we wouldn’t tell Michael. (beat.) Or you guys. Sorry, but that’s… too much.

JIM TALKING HEAD

Pam and I haven’t really talked about kids but we’re definitely getting married first. But we made a pretty big decision this weekend, and well, we’re going to get a dog.

INT OFFICE: JIM is standing behind PAM at reception, both of them looking at the computer screen.  They are on the local animal shelter’s website, scrolling through dog pictures.

PAM

This one’s cute. You want a little dog don’t you?

JIM

(gives the screen a surprised look)

Is that a dog or a dust mop?

PAM

(grimaces)

Yeah, he is a little too fluffy.

PAM TALKING HEAD

One of the nice things about owning a house is that we can do basically whatever we want. Like paint the walls different colors. And attack the living room walls with a crowbar to get the paneling off. And now we can get a dog. It’s kind of a cool feeling.

INT MICHAEL’S OFFICE: MICHAEL is reading through some papers when the phone beeps.

PAM (through speaker)

Michael, the new client is on the phone.

MICHAEL

Thank you, Pamgaroo. Pamgaroo Jack. Pamgaroo Jim.

PAM audibly sighs.

MICHAEL TALKING HEAD

We have a potential new client! Speedway Management, Inc., who own a bunch of NASCAR tracks. It’s a big chance for us to get an exclusive deal and I’ll get the commission. It’s big sale, so I’m the one need to take care of it. But I don’t want to sound like an idiot, so I’m doing some research.

(fake southern accent)

Don’t wanna lose no more clien’s. Y’all come back, alri’?

(laughs.)

INT MICHAEL’S OFFICE MICHAEL is looking at NASCAR.com.

MICHAEL

Hello, Ms. Jennifer O’Brien!

JENNIFER

(on speakerphone)

Hello, Mr. Scott.

MICHAEL

You aren’t related to Conan O’Brien, are you?

JENNIFER

(laughs) No, sir.

MICHAEL

Just checking. Have you gotten the proposal yet?

JENNIFER

Yessir. My boss said it looked good, but we’ve got a few more questions and some specifics to go over this afternoon.

MICHAEL

Our door is open. By the way, do you want to donate blood?

JENNIFER

I donated last month. Are y’all having a drive?

MICHAEL

That w’all are, and wow, good for you.

JENNIFER

Thank you.

MICHAEL

Now, Jennifer, uh, can I ask you a few questions?

JENNIFER

Uh… yeah, sure.

MICHAEL

Who’s your favorite NASCAR driver?

JENNIFER

(laughs.) Depends. Are you a Kyle Busch fan?

MICHAEL

Should I be?

JENNIFER

Well, I’m a Dale Jr fan, so…

MICHAEL

(does some frantic clicking, looking for a “good” driver’s name)

I like Jeff Gordon.

JENNIFER

Gordon’s alright. Surprised the hell out of me last year when he didn’t win.

MICHAEL

Yeah, uh, that was weird.

JENNIFER

Li’ something out of the Twilight Zone. Well, I’ll see you around one o’clock, Mr Scott. Thank you for seeing me.

MICHAEL

No, thank you. I’ll see you at one. ‘Bye.

There is a click as JENNIFER hangs up. MICHAEL starts to frantically type.

INT MICHAEL’s OFFICE: DWIGHT is now standing next to MICHAEL, who is reclined in his chair.

MICHAEL

What do you know about Jeff Gordon?

DWIGHT

Very small stature for his skill level. I’m actually surprised a man his size can maneuver a vehicle so well.

MICHAEL

So he’s a midget?

DWIGHT

No, he’s just a few inches shorter tan the average human male. Maybe five- eight, five-seven.

MICHAEL

I’m five-eight… and a half.

DWIGHT

Yes, but you’re not maneuvering a vehicle at a hundred and eighty miles an hour every weekend. You sell paper and manage this branch, which takes considerably more brainpower.

MICHAEL

So, he’s an idiot?

DWIGHT

No, but your IQ is probably fifteen points higher. His hand-eye coordination should far surpass yours, and his refluxes are-

MICHAEL

Shut up, Dwight. Don’t you need to go donate anyway?

DWIGHT checks his watch.

DWIGHT

That I do.

(rushes out)

INT DONATION CENTER: DWIGHT is sitting behind one of the cardboard barriers. He pokes it and it almost falls.  A VOLUNTERR walks over and he hands her a packet.

DWIGHT

All my current medical information. My blood pressure is a steady 120/79 and my pulse is-

(he puts two fingers under his jaw and looks down at his watch for ten seconds)

72 beats per minute.

The VOLUNTEER stares.

VOLUNTEER

I still need to prick your finger. And unfortunately you need to answer all the questions on the computer.

DWIGHT

Your addiction to that device will be your downfall.

(He holds out a finger)

BLACK