"You wished things were different. And they are, aren't they?” Creed asked.

“What?” Pam was dumbfounded. “When did I wish that?”

“Yesterday, before you left the office.” he answered matter-of-factly.

“But... maybe, but... I think I actually wished everything was different.” she pointed out weakly.

“That would be a little too much to ask, Sam. Don't be a complainer,” Creed rolled his eyes. “I did what I could.”

“You did this?” Pam could almost hear the thud of her jaw hitting the floor. Certainly, Creed was weird, but this...

“Of course,” he shrugged.

“But how?”

“I can't tell you, I'm afraid. If I told you, I...”

“You'd have to kill me?” Pam finished incredulously.

“No, who do you think I am? I wanted to say I'd lose my job, that's all. Just don't ask and you won't be lied to.”

Pam sighed.

“But Creed, you need to tell me what actually happened. What did you do? Why is Jim gone? Did I just wish him into inexistence?” she asked quietly, afraid of his answer. Creed shook his head.

“No one can do that. It doesn't work that way.”

“Well, tell me how it works, then!” she insisted.

“Do you know what a kaleidoscope is?”

“It's a toy? I think I had one as a kid,” Pam recalled.

“Well, yes, there are toy kaleidoscopes. Do you know exactly how it works? It's a tube of mirrors that contains small coloured objects. When you turn the tube, the objects create a different pattern every time, and it's multiplied by the mirrors. But the point is, you get a different pattern with every turn. The beads or pebbles or other objects are still there in the kaleidoscope, but the way they are arranged is never the same. Sometimes you can't even see some of the beads too well. But there's no doubt that they are all still in the kaleidoscope. Are you following?”

“I guess,” Pam nodded.

“So if we assume that life is like a kaleidoscope, do you understand what that means?” Creed asked.

“That the bead that is Jim moved?” she guessed.

“Yes, it moved and created a completely different pattern,” he axplained. “What you see is only a glimpse of the changes, but you must realize there are other out there.”

“Like?”

“Well, there are other people whose lives he never got to affect. His friends, even some strangers, and you have to remember that his family probably lives somewhere else now. They could be anywhere in the world, making a difference in the lives of people they never met in the previous pattern. Really, that creates a very complicated chain reaction.”

“But he exists, right? Like the beads in the kaleidoscope, he's still here. He is somewhere?”

Pam needed this fact confirmed like she never needed anything in her life. And even though it was all overwhelming, at least it was starting to make some sense. Very, very bizarre sense.

“Most likely, yeah, he is,” Creed replied.

“I do not like the sound of it, Creed,” Pam complained nervously.

“I can guarantee you that he was born. But his life took a different route and we can't be sure that on this route a truck didn't smash into him when he was twelve years old.”

“What?” Pam's eyes went wide.

“Calm down, it's just a possibility,” Creed waved his hand dismissively. “As I said, he's probably well and alive,”

“This isn't much of a consolation when he can be practically anywhere... God, can he really be anywhere? Like, I don't know, in China?”

“I'll have you know that China is a very nice country,” Creed produced a nostalgic smile.

“I'm sure it is, but I'd rather Jim didn't speak Mandarin Chinese in this freaky universe!”

“You're right,” he nodded. “I myself prefer Cantonese, too.”

Pam just ignored this comment.

“Listen, Creed. It's all very interesting, but why did you think taking away Jim was what I needed?” Pam asked in disbelief.

“Come on, wasn't he your problem?”

“No!”

“But he kissed you when you were engaged, he made you rethink your relationship with that guy, you were unhappy. Wasn't that enough to eliminate him?”

“Okay, please don't say eliminate,” Pam protested, not even wondering how Creed knew all of that. “And... it's true, I was unhappy, but... It wasn't his fault...”

It was my fault, Pam thought. If I have to blame anyone, I can only blame myself.

She folded her hands.

“Creed, I hope you realize you have to turn it back,” she looked him sternly in the eye. “You misinterpreted my wish. You're a salesman. Consider it a letter of complaint.”

“I'm afraid that's not possible,” Creed replied. “It's not like selling paper, Sam. You can't just replace the wrong shipment. I am just one of many, well, many in this industry, and all our actions must be approved by the boss and synchronized in the headquarters, because if it gets out of control, the world will drown in chaos. And one of the rules is, no turning back. Once the kaleidoscope is turned, that's it.”

“Can't you pull some strings?”

“I can try, but I'm sure it won't do any good. The boss makes no exceptions.”

“Can I see the boss?” she asked hopefully, but Creed just laughed. “Okay, can you at least find out where Jim is?”

“The headquarters don't provide us with such information.”

“Fine, I'll just look for him by myself,” she said stubbornly. “Whether it's Pennsylvania, China or Poland, I'll find him. We live in a global village, for God's sake.” There was a minute of silence, before Creed said seriously:

“He won't recognize you. You two have never met.”

Pam stared intently at her shoes.

“I don't care,” she said quietly. “I just don't care.”

And she didn't.

“Okay,” he gave up. “You can search if you want, and I'll try to see what I can do, but don't get your hopes up, alright? I think you need to go home now and process it. You can just pretend you're not feeling well, or something,” he suggested.

“Oh, believe me, I don't have to pretend,” Pam assured him bitterly. “If this office was ruled by anyone but Michael, I would be fired like that! I went home earlier yesterday, and now I'm going to leave again, even though I barely got here an hour ago.”

“Not really,” Creed smiled. “You actually worked full hours yesterday.”

“Right,” she muttered. “I didn't have to leave yesterday because Roy and I haven't broken up and Michael didn't want to throw a group therapy session. Wait, Creed,” she pulled on his sleeve before they entered the office. “I have one more question. Why I am aware of all of this? Why do I see all the changes? Why didn't you just make them and let me think I have lived like this, no Jim, all along?”

“So you can appreciate it,” was his answer.

Oh, the irony.

“Creed,” Pam started slowly. “Whatever your job is, you totally suck at it.”

---

When Pam came home, she couldn't help but look around all the time. It was... strange. Strange and empty. It was stupid, she knew. The changes at the office were bound to be much more significant than here. Jim never even visitied her here.

But she still felt the emptiness creep out of every corner.

Because no matter how small, the changes were here. Maybe the biggest one of all was that she had, in the new reality, never thought of Jim here. Maybe she was just talking herself into believing in it, but she could really feel the difference. Before, she used to sit next to Roy, on the couch, and stare mindlessly at the TV, at the same time thinking of the latest prank Jim pulled on Dwight or a funny story he had told her. She prepared dinner in the kitchen and smiled when his ham and cheese popped into her mind.

But that was all before Creed turned her stupid kaleidoscope.

Where are you, Jim, she thought sadly.

There was nothing here he touched or saw or gave her. And she needed something badly. Something, anything.

When a certain idea hit her, she almost let herself smile. Wherever he is... maybe he still likes that song, this band, she thought hopefully. This is the only straw to hold on to that she could think of now.

Pam kneeled in front of the CD rack. The albums were organized alphabetically and her finger traveled to the letter T.

The disappointment was painful. Well, of course. It wasn't here. “The Invisible Band” wasn't here. How could she be so stupid to believe it would be? It didn't only remind her of Jim, she also bought it off his recommendation. She started pulling out more and more CDs – she knew she used to have Travis's “The Man Who” as well, but it was gone too. And so was Ash, and Supergrass, and The Charlatans, and Turin Brakes.

That was the last drop.

Pam bit her lip so hard that she could feel the taste of blood in her mouth.

She had managed to stay relatively calm during the conversation with Creed. She was composed when she asked Michael if she could leave and when she took the bus home.

But now she just snapped. It was too much.

She had never felt like this – so angry, frustrated and furious with her own helplessness. It was a powerful feeling, it crawled up, tightening her chest and throat, staining her cheeks with red spots and creating a buzz in her ears.

She found herself frantically clearing out the CD rack of all the albums – she pulled them all out and started opening the cases fervently, as if she could find the lost CDs there. Every open CD was thrown on the floor and she moved on to another.

It was unfair. She didn't deserve it. No one deserved to have their life turned upside down like this!

She just wished everything was different. People do that all the time! Why did her wish had to be granted?

And why did it take Jim away from her?

Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, she repeated fervently, as if this could bring him from wherever he was.

That much was clear. She just wanted Jim.

And swaying is dancing, damn it!

Pam didn't know how long it took her, but finally the floor was covered with plastic cases, booklets and silver CDs. Not quite satisfied with the mess she made, she reached for the DVD shelf, fully intending to wreak havoc with it. She was quite sure that a few movies had to be missing there as well. But she stopped dead in her tracks when she spotted a tape labeled simply: Dundies 2005. Oh yes. Michael presented them with those every year.

Pam took a steadying breath.

This was her chance to see one event without Jim play out.

She popped the tape into the VCR and pushed play.

Needless to say, he wasn't there.

She sat frozen in front of the TV. Watching this new version of the Dundies was almost more surreal than all the changes she noticed that day in the office.

It began just like she rememembered, with Michael singing and than making some stupid joke. Then it was revealed that everyone had to pay for themselves and shortly after, Roy, Darryl and on-screen Pam left Chili's. Michael handed out Phyllis's award and then put on false teeth and glasses. The show went on and when Ryan got his Hottest in the Office award and Pam still hadn't come back inside, she realized that it wasn't going to happen.

She felt a wave of shame wash over over. That was it? She went back because of Jim? She was that dependant on him? Apparently without him in the picture, there wasn't even a point in fighting with Roy. Or maybe they fought, but she just gave in.

She never thought she was so weak.

On the screen, Michael kept announcing the awards and trying to entertain his audience. Pam watched in sudden apathy as Angela and Kelly reacted to their Dundies. It wasn't until another of Michael's song that she felt a spark of curiosity again. Because his fascinating rendition of Tiny Dancer was cut off in the middle and the interior of Chili's was replaced with a shot of Michael's office. With a smile he explained that due to unavoidable circumstances the ceremony had to be cut short and the rest of the staff received their statuettes in much less glamorous surroundings. Next day at the office, he added.

The video ended and the screen went black.

Well, Pam thought, this makes sense. She remembered those guys mercilessly mocking Michael and how she and Jim cheered him on and encouraged him to continue the Dundies. But this time, they were not there. And obviously no one else came to Michael's rescue.

He must have just given up and edited the mocking part out.

It was surprisingly heartbreaking. She wasn't the only one worse off without Jim.

She reached for the cupboard right next to the TV. That's where she kept the Dundies in a cardboard box. She would have much rather thrown them out – she hated them – but Roy insisted on keeping the awards. Something to show the grandkids, he said. Pam had no idea why they their grandchildren would enjoy seeing that it took their grandfather long years before he finally decided it was time for a wedding, but she complied.

She opened the box.

Her Dundies. She sighed shakily. The number was correct, but the tags were wrong. There was one more Longest Engagement Dundie than normally and no Whitest Sneakers Award.

So that was Jim's doing too? Did he just go to Michael and ask him to give her a different award for a change? He must have known how much she hated the engagement Dundies humiliation, but what sense did it make? If he really loved her, wouldn't it benefit him more if Michael once more dragged out her neverending engagement to the light of day? It would certainly only fuel her irritation with Roy, and if you were in love with an engaged girl, something like this had to be good in your books, right?

But he still did this for her.

Because he loved you even more than that, you idiot, she told herself as the realization dawned on her. Because he loved you so much that for the longest time he just wanted you to be happy, even if it meant you were happy with with another man. He had to suffer so much and you never saw it. And when he finally couldn't take it anymore, you took his heart and ripped it into pieces.

The tears started flowing freely now and for the first time that day, she made no attempt to stop them. She sat on the floor, her face buried in her knees, surrounded by open CD cases strewn around everywhere.

For the next hour, Pam Beesly was nothing more than a sobbing, pitiful bundle of regret.

---

When Roy came home after work that afternoon, he found the room as tidy as usual, without any trace of what happened before. All CDs were in their respective places. Pam managed to collect herself and now here she was, her face rosy from the crying, but washed, her eyes only slightly puffy, a sparkle of strange determination in them.

She was sitting in the living room on two fully packed suitcases with her arms folded in a defensive gesture and it didn't take Roy too long to figure out that there probably wasn't going to be any wedding.